I Sunk the Ship, Part II

What came next with Shane? Well, I was suddenly afraid to pick up on her signals, and I made reactions that were... unfavorable on my end and, in a way...stupid.

For instance, during lunch time, we were outside of one of the many food stalls on a food court. I asked her, "So that's what you want for lunch?"

"Yeah..." she replied, sounding dull as if she had repeatedly eaten the same food many times. "I wanted to try the chicken meal you posted on your stories."

I bought the chicken meal that was quite the walking distance from campus. It was from a popular shop, and it was delicious too. I posted the story the night prior to this.

I replied, "Then go buy one at where I bought it from, Leon Guinto St. It's too hot to go there because of the heat wave."

Then she frowned a bit, in a way that she tried to not make it obvious. I noticed it.

I told my friends about this instance, especially the girls who proceeded to slap and punch me for it. I should have asked her to walk with me, even if the weather was hot and a heat wave was present at that time. I should have eaten a chicken meal with her.

All my friends, and probably some of her close friends, were riding with the ship. It was up to the sailor, me, at this point...and I failed them.

What happened after were just an exchange of mixed signals, I assumed, and liking each other's stories. Even worse, I could not bring myself to have a conversation with her because of how "torpe" I was. I really thought I was ready, but as someone who never expressed romantic feelings before, this was hard to do. I kept overthinking what would happen if I tried escalating things between us, and I feared so much of the worst possible outcome.

Eventually, those acts that came from her died down. She would usually be the first to see every story I would post and liked it. Now it stopped, and she would rarely see Even if the wingmen I hired told me that I had a chance, I was a coward. There was a huge difference in difficulty for me when approaching girls online and in real life.

One night, I was walking back to my condo coming from my internship along with a girl who was a close friend of Shane's and happened to be my co-intern from the same company in the oil and gas industry and lived in the same condominium as I do. I worked as a Network Engineer Intern by the way.

And at that time, Shane and two of her close friends became my capstone groupmates, including my co-intern.

And as we walked the streets, we talked about the project's progress and about Shane. Much was said about her and when we arrived in the hallways of the condominium, my co-intern said, "Ahhh yeah, you have a crush on her right?"

I immediately turned red and denied it, but my facial expressions said otherwise. It was obvious I fell for her.

"Come onnn, it's obvious. Everything you did for her, it was obvious," she continued.

"Do you think she knows...?" I asked.

"I don't know..." she said, "We never really talked about you."

I doubt that.

"What do you mean?!" I exclaimed, thinking that it was a surprise. "You two are close with each other..."

"That doesn't mean we talked about you..."

I still doubt that.

"Anyways, you really should just confess. It's obvious and she should find it obvious. If you never confess, then she won't look at you differently."

Hearing those struck me as a revelation. I remembered hearing the girls of my friend groups saying that everything changes for a girl when the guy confesses. Her perspective of him would change as it was concrete that the guy likes her instead of basing it on signals that were probable.

However, the fear of the unfortunate outcomes of confession were too strong for me to handle that I resorted to the mindset of, If I'm her type or she finds me interesting, only then will I pursue her.

I made an agreement with my co-intern. I offered her a taxi back to the condo next week if she gave me intel about whether or not Shane was interested in me or found me to be her type.

The next week in the office, she told me, "I have information. Wanna treat me to a free ride back home?"

I said, "Yeah sure."

"Wait, how about next week instead?" she insisted.

I immediately thought, This may not be good information. Shane may not be interested in me at all.

If it was good information, then there was no need to delay the free ride until next week right? I could not bring myself to delay it further, I wanted to settle it.

"No, let's settle it later when we get home."

"Alright. I just don't know how you will take it."

I'm cooked, I thought to myself.

After our shifts ended, we took a taxi back home.

In the taxi, I asked her, "I can tell it's not good. The fact that you wanted to delay it felt...unfavorable for me."

"Yeah..." she sighed. "If it was positive, this would have been a huge boost to you."

All of us were capstone groupmates after all. If I found out that Shane was into me, that could have been surreal motivation for me.

"I just don't know how you would take this," she continued.

"Don't worry I can take it," I confidently said, but deep in my chest I felt something sharp was about to stab me.

"You're...not her type."

That hurt a bit. I felt some weight in my chest.

"What's her type then?"

"We never really talked about that even if we're close. But from what I know, her type is someone that is manly..."

She wanted someone manly. If she defined manly by the physical and visual aspect, then I may have failed. I was not lanky nor jacked, I looked alright. I have good hygiene too.

"She also wants someone who has ambition in life..."

Does she think that I'm someone who has no ambitions? I thought to myself. I get that she prefers someone that is manly, but if she viewed me to be ambitionless... What a turn off...

When I heard that, I did not know what to feel. I have clear ambitions and dreams for my life that I do not talk to anyone about, merely or lightly. I have a life to live as well. I could only decide on what to feel if it really came from Shane that I did not look ambitious.

My outfits and fashion sense were pretty basic everytime I go to campus. It was just the most comfortable for me. I knew when to and when not to dress myself in quality.

"She also wants pure princess treatment. Like she prefers if the guy would full-on chase her."

"Would she at least reciprocate?"

"Probably not... She's used to it that way."

"Ah, I see," I frowned and sighed.

"You should still confess to her though," my co-intern said as if there was still hope. "It really changes everything when the guy confesses, honestly," she insisted further.

I replied, "Nah, I'm good. Even if there was still a chance, I would not take it. I might get hurt..."

"Or you might be happy..." she said. "You never really know until you did it."

"Just to be safe, and for the betterment of our capstone group, let's put all of this in the past," I firmly declared.

My co-intern showed me proof that I was not her type, even though I did not ask for proof. I was sad about hearing all that, and I was even more concerned about how embarrassing this was as the taxi driver heard everything until we got home.

What can I do about it? Nothing. I had the mindset of, if I was not her type, I would not pursue. I do not want to force myself in pursuing someone who does not want me. No one would want to be forced, right? Well, that was my opinion anyways. It was still an option to go against the odds, but I would rather be at a safe position.

I decided to drink alcohol to forget my feelings for her and not think about her that much anymore.

Eventually, my feelings faded and I easily moved on from it. I managed to easily detach myself emotionally which was a surprise for me.

We became friends at most though, and we pulled through in the first phase of our capstone project together.