Say my Name

Sometimes, I think back to all the times I've ever regretted something. Big or small, mild or serious—it's a lot. Way too many to count. I might even go as far as to say that my depression stems from regret, because the past always has a way of catching up to me.

And right now, as I stand here with five pairs of eyes locked onto me—one glaring far more intensely than the others—I find myself adding one more thing to the list.

"What do you mean, 'Noa,' huh…?" Manager Na muttered. "Since when did you guys start referring to each other by your first names?"

A lump formed in my throat—something that's been happening a little too often lately. Of all the times for him to walk in, why now?

"I, uh…" I gulped, but no words came out. Nothing.

Then, Yoko stepped forward, touching Manager Na's arm with a hand.

"It was my idea, Manager Na," she smiled. "I thought it'd be more convenient for us to speak informally, especially since we're comfortable with each other now."

"I get that," he sighed. "It's just... Look, I like you guys, and I trust you. I mean that sincerely. But this... It's hard for me not to draw my own conclusion. That goes for anyone who might overhear you guys referring to each other by your first names."

"Don't worry, Manager Na," Nabi said. "It's not like anything weird is going on. We're just... friends now, I guess. And as friends, shouldn't we be a bit more laid back?"

"...Friends, huh?"

Manager Na looked at me, and although there was a doubt written all over them, there was a slight sense of relief. He cracked a smile and let out a slight chuckle.

"Finally managed to do that, eh?" he said. "Never thought I'd see the day."

"Hah," I scoffed.

This guy... In the end, he still cares bout me, huh?

"In any case, you said so before, Manager Na," I reminded. "That my name and the word, scandal, don't belong in the same sentence. As dumb as that sounds, I plan to keep it like that, but if you don't trust me, then just terminate my contract."

"Still on that, kid?" he chuckled. "Again, it ain't up to me. Besides, aren't you guys friends now? Do you really wanna terminate your contract? Or are you just saying that?"

"W-wha...?"

My eyes involuntarily tilted over at the girls, who were waiting patiently for my answer.

"Don't you guys have somewhere to be right now?" I mumbled as I walked forward. "Rehearsals, right? Good luck with that."

The moment I was about to reach for the door, Mira caught my arm.

"As our assistant, don't you think you should be tagging along?" she asked with a coy smile.

"F-for what?"

"What else? Give your inputs, opinions, and things you want us to change or keep the same. You know... like an actual assistant."

I couldn't say anything to that, so I ended up tagging along. While the girls went through the routine of their show, one song after another, I sat there with Manager Na, watching.

Not too long ago, I used to think nothing of this. Getting a front row seat to Sunayomi's rehearsals? Anyone would go crazy over that, but not me. That's what I always said... so why am I trying so hard not to smile?

After a set, Suzu approached me.

"Hey, Noa. Watcha think?" she asked.

"Of?"

"Eh? The set we just did. You know... The dancing, the singing... Any inputs?"

"What? Ha~... This is exactly why I keep saying that I'm not suitable to be your assistant. I don't know a single thing about dancing and singing, so my input is basically nonexistent."

Mira stepped over with her arms crossed. "Just tell us what you think, Noa. Don't gotta make it so difficult."

"So, what? Am I supposed to say that I think it looked and sounded great?"

"Yes. That."

"And... That's supposed to be enough?"

"Hehe, enough for us," Yoko giggled. "No need to think too hard, Noa. We appreciate any feedback you give us, even if they're just simple compliments."

"And how is any of that supposed to be helpful?"

"It isn't. It just makes us feel better."

I put my hand over my forehead with a sigh. "My head is starting to hurt. I'm gonna sit out until showtime."

Yoko scoffed. "Sure. Don't get lost, hm? Noa?"

"...Sure."

After a short hike, I found myself sitting on a bench in a small corridor. Even from here, I could hear the commotion from the stadium. Seems like there's gonna be a full house tonight.

I threw my head against the wall and let out a long, exhausted sigh, the kind that felt like it came from somewhere deeper than my lungs.

"Sheesh, what’s got you breathing all heavy like that?"

I glanced over to see Manager Na settling down beside me, two cans of soda in hand. He placed one next to me before cracking open the other and taking a slow sip.

"Normally, a kid your age would be ecstatic to have their favorite idols calling them by their first name, yet here you are, sulking like it's the biggest headache in the world."

"First of all, they're not my favorite," I grumbled.

"Oh? Then who is?"

"That's…"

I trailed off, gripping the soda can without opening it.

Yeah, I'm totally lying my ass off right now. Before, I didn't really care about Sunayomi. They were just another idol group—background noise in a life too loud with problems I couldn't fix. But now that I know them, that detachment isn't so easy to keep up. They are my favorites, but not just because of their music.

"Fine. Whatever. Let's just say they are my favorite," I sighed. "And second of all, it really is the biggest headache in the world."

Manager Na leaned back against the wall, smirking. "How so? Is it off-putting to have these beautiful women calling out your name?"

“…Actually, it is."

The words slipped out before I could stop them. I didn't mean to ruin the mood, but I couldn't hold it back. My name—my name—isn't something I necessarily like. It's not a name I wear with pride... because it belongs to me.

"Talk to me, kid," Na said, his tone shifting, quieter now. "Don't be giving me any bull shit now. Just this once… tell me what's on your mind."

For a while, I hesitated.

Talking about myself, about what's buried inside, is something I've always hated. Not sure why. Maybe because if I say it out loud, it makes it real. Maybe because I don't want people to worry about me, because I wouldn't even know how to handle that. Even Nae doesn't know everything, and she's my own sister.

Should I just say it? Just this once… maybe I'll stop being so selfish.

"This name… mirrors my biggest regrets," I muttered. "Mom, who cursed it after I took Nae away from her. Kimiko, who cheated on me while saying it with a smile on her face."

I blinked a few times to keep the water in my eyes from falling. Deep breath. Once, then twice. Then I continued.

"It's tough. Hearing this name of mine. Because the only people who ever said it like it meant something… were the ones who mattered the most to me... and the ones who broke me."

Suddenly, the sound of a shuffle caught my ears. I quickly stood up and turned my head to the left, catching a glimpse of blondish hair peaking out from behind a corner.

"Um... N-Nabi...?" I called out, unsure if it was really her.

The next second, she poked out with sullen eyes that told me she heard everything I had said just then. She walked over slowly, guiltily, as if she had committed some kind of crime. Without saying a word, she abruptly wrapped her arms around me, burying her head in my chest.

"I... won't hurt you, Noa," she whispered, her voice muffled beneath the fabric. "I promise..."

Then, just as quickly as she appeared, she ran off, leaving me to stand there and ponder those last ten seconds.

"Still think your name is all that bad?" Manager Na snickered.

"Shut up..." I grumbled.

"Heh." He stood up and threw his empty soda can into a nearby trashcan. "The girls are up in twenty minutes. Get your ass in the VIP section. I left a surprise there waiting for you."

"A... surprise?"

"Heh. You'll see."

He walked off and left me to wonder what this surprise could possibly be. Only one way to find out, I suppose.