Super Useful Map! 💖

“You keep tabs on our positioning,” I told Fence, who was holding the foldout map, “and I’ll lead the way.”

“You got it, dude.”

“Sweet. Let’s do this.”

Making sure to follow the map to a T, we began our trek into the woods. It was easy going at first, the map just directing us down the winding dirt trails. The actual wooded areas remained off to the sides of us. But then…

“Hang a sharp right right here, dude.”

Into the thick of it we went, trudging through patches of green underbrush and pushing past bushes and branches alike. The further we ventured in, the denser and wilder the vegetation around us grew, and the more distant I could tell we were growing from civilization. The sounds and smells of the forest were now all around us, the air cool, damp, and humming with all sorts of life. We kept following the map, delving deeper and deeper, further and further away from the outside world.

“Are you sure we’re going the right way?” It felt almost like we were getting lost ourselves.

“Positive, dude. In fact, according to the map” — Fence was holding the thing about a quarter of an inch from his eyeballs — “we should be right there right now, dude. I think it’s just past those trees over there.”

I gulped. We were there. It was do or die time, apparently. What would we confront once we had entered the secret hideout? Would we be able to face the kidnapper and live to tell about it? Or did we not even stand half a chance? Was this some sort of trap? What was going to become of us?

Nervously, carefully, slowly, with all these thoughts and more spinning around in our heads, we rounded the trees Fence had pointed out and found ourselves…

… right back where we started.

Fence went silent. In response, I said absolutely nothing. The only sound was the frequent whoosh and occasional horn from the cars on the highway.

When I finally picked my jaw up off the ground, all I could manage was a “Huh? I thought we were? Weren’t we just? I—? Huh—? Wha—?” And then finally, once I managed to unscramble my brain a little: “But weren’t we, like, venturing far off the beaten path? Diving ultra deep into nature? The wilderness? Where no one’s ever gone before?”

“I don’t think we were ever more than 20 feet away from a path, dude.”

“Aw, come on! So you mean all that stuff about leaving civilization behind was just my imagination?”

More silence. The awkwardness hung in the air like a stale fart.

“Ugh.” I groaned. “Whatever. So we screwed up.”

“What else is new?” Fence added unnecessarily.

“We’ll just have to start looking for the hideout all over again.”

Fence scratched the back of his head. “Uh. According to the map, we’re there, dude.”

“Are you serious? You’re still saying that? Look around! Does it look like we’re quote-unquote ‘there?’”

“I mean, kind of? Like, maybe—”

“It was a rhetorical question… Sigh.” For some reason I just said the word “sigh” instead of actually sighing. “We’re obviously right back where we started. Probably cause you were reading the map wrong.”

“Me?”

“Yes, you.”

“Couldn’t be.”

“Then who, you nincompoop? You were the one with the map the whole time.” I was starting to lose my patience, which was saying something considering how much of the stuff you tend to build up when you have a Snowball in your life. “Are you sure you weren’t, like, holding it upside down or something?”

“Well, I was at first but” — the slap of my palm against my forehead interrupted him — “but then I realized and turned it right side up. See? Like this. Err. Wait. Hang on. Maybe this way is right side up? No, maybe, uh, this way? No, wait, now it’s on its side. Err…”

By the time Fence was done, his arms looked like a pretzel.

“Oh, for the love of— Give me that.” Unable to stand the stupidity any longer, I snatched the map for myself. This time, I decided, I would lead the way and make sure we were actually headed the right direction. You know how the saying goes: if you want something done right… err… wait, how did it go again? Ok, so I forgot that one too. Sue me. All you need to know is that by this point, it was clear I was gonna have to do all the heavy lifting here, and that included reading the map.

Fence had other plans.

“No, dude. I got this. Trust me.” Untangling his arms shockingly fast, he managed to grab the map back before I could stop him.

I wasn’t about to have that though. Just as I wasn’t about to let Fence have the map after he’d completely failed to read it once already. “No you don’t. You don’t have anything but your head on backwards.” Pretty good one, huh? And I came up with that on the spot too. I took the map back, smoothing it out against my shirt. Our back-and-forth was starting to crumple it up.

“Give it here!” He grabbed it back though, grasping the flimsy paper it was drawn on hard.

“Oh no you… rrgh… don’t!” I grabbed the map back for myself, but this time, Fence wasn’t letting go. I pulled with all my might.

“No way, dude! I’m… grr… reading the map and that’s final!” Fence pulled back with all his.

“You can read it all you want… rrrrgghghg... when we’re done here! Just give it to me!” Wow, I thought as I struggled. Maybe if I had put this much effort into the tug-of-war a few months ago, I wouldn’t have gotten an F- in PE last semester.

Nah. Who was I kidding? I still would have gott—

*SHREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED~!*

A single satisfying-sounding shred, right down the middle of the sheet we were fighting over, interrupted my random thoughts.

A rip, in other words.

Also, R.I.P.

To the map.

We hardly knew ye.

Fence and I froze as the two equally sized halves of what was once the map floated lazily to the ground.

No, wait! They weren’t equally sized! On closer inspection, mine was roughly three yoctometers longer than Fence’s. Haha! Take that! I always knew I was stronger than him!

As I was fist pumping, Fence was actually being the pragmatic one for once. He knelt down to pick up what was left of the map. Which, all things considered, was still quite a lot. “It’s fine. It only ripped in two. We can still read it as long as we work together instead of fighting amongst ourselves. You hold one side, and I’ll hold the other. Teamwork. Guess that’s a life lesson for us, huh? Here, let me just pick these u—”

And that was the exact moment when a single gust of wind — the only one that day — blew in, and then blew out just as quickly, taking both pieces of the map with it.

“Oh, come on!”

To be continued!