Anxiety Prayer

Azreal knelt in prayer in the ruined church. He still went back and forth on whether God listened to him, but he wasn’t going to stop doing what he felt was right just because of his self-doubt. He agonized and overthought everything and, at this point, God was probably the only one left who could truly understand the tangle of emotions and contradictory thoughts spiraling through his mind. He needed to know that someone understood everything and was in control, cause he sure as hell didn’t feel like he knew what he was doing half the time!

At the very least, his driving goal in life was to do right by the people around him whenever he could. He wanted Nanny and Sori to be happy and free from the traumatic circumstances that he’d met them in. He took the responsibility of having lives depend on him seriously.

And now...he had a girlfriend? If Mari had her way, in any case? He didn't know how this would turn out but, truth was, he felt drawn to her like a moth to a flame. Her carefree personality was a bit overwhelming, but she was full of life and joy. In the mere hours they had known each other, he felt comfortable with her. 

For whatever reason, she intentionally chose him. But he wasn't too hung up on what the future could hold. Right now, he just wanted forgiveness and answers. 

Even though he knew his job was wrong and despised it, he kept killing. He already bore the stigma of being a hired blade, so he had no other choices. That was nothing new; he’d been yearning for some sort of mental and emotional relief for years now.

But he wanted answers for this chaos that had been sprung on him, too. He was weak-willed and a killer, at the very least. If only virtuous people or innocent children could see unicorns, even if he wasn’t as bad as he thought, there was no way he was that good.

So then how in the world was he, of all people, the one exception? What did it mean that he could see Mari? What was he supposed to do now?

‘God, I really don’t get it but...I’m yours to do with what you will. I trust you. Your goodness keeps me going despite how terrifying this world is...’

He shuddered and thought of the impending war. Battlefields were hell and this one was particularly pointless; no one knew what Tempest wanted. They’d turned the port at Ibis into a fiery hell and done unspeakable things to innocent civilians. Those troops from Tempest were intent on total domination, willing to erase anything in their way.

‘Just help me be good, God, and fix this mess. Amen.’

Everything was bathed in darkness. “It’s this late already?” He hadn’t realized how long he’d spent vomiting out his thoughts to God. Everyone else was likely in bed.

Slowly, Azreal hauled his numb body up and shuffled his way out, tripping over rubble and holes in the floor as he went. This church in the woods was his safe place. It had been abandoned decades ago because there wasn’t money to repair it. Even in a state of decay, it offered a sense of comfort and peace.

It was fortunate, since he wasn’t allowed to enter the cathedral in Nacre. The priests and the holy knights refused to let him come anywhere near it. The one time he had tried to go in and pray when he was younger...it hadn’t ended well.

Azreal shook his head. ‘Stop dredging up old memories. You’re just going to reawaken pain for no reason.’

Azreal knew his way through the pitch-black Forest by instinct. He’d been trained at a young age to see and sense to a near supernatural level. He had every skill needed to survive and kill in even the harshest of environments. No matter how different the two were, he and Mari at least had their abnormally strong senses in common.

The house was dark as he approached. As he crept inside, Azreal reflected on the sudden intrusion on his life.

He was used to living in a state of flux, even after finding somewhere to settle down. At any moment, he could be summoned to the palace or sent instructions for his next mission.

While Mari was barely controlled chaos and likely to test his patience, he was used to the unexpected. Her presence was a happy, positive uncertainty, unlike not knowing where he’d be able to find food or having to sleep on the street...

He smacked his head, knocking away more memories. ‘Shut up, brain! We aren’t going to think about that anymore! I’m safe and happy. I have a family and a home now. We aren’t ever going back!’

Azreal carefully shuffled his way to his family's shared bedroom, not wanting to wake anyone up. He paused in front of the door.

‘Is this...really okay?’ He thought. ‘We had to have met for a reason but...I’m scared of hurting Mari. No, that’s not quite it. What I’m really scared of is disappointing her. She thinks I’m some amazing person but...I was broken a long time ago. I’m not the abnormally good person she thinks I am. I’m...human. And...do I really deserve to be happy?’ Azreal rested his head on the door for a moment.

‘I...I’ve killed so many people. Innocent families. Evil people. Spies and assassins. Normal people. I may have killed more “bad” people, but that doesn’t change or excuse the fact that I live using money I earned in exchange for someone’s life. I’m not the judge of who should live or die, and I knew nothing about most of them, but still killed them. Even if I’m allowed to be happy, it seems unfair...’

Sighing to himself, he nudged the door open. He had to keep living. Even if he felt like he’d be eaten alive by his doubts and memories, God had kept him alive. It would be selfish and ungrateful to waste his chance at life by wallowing in his misery.

At least now, he could throw himself into sleep and not have to endure the turmoil of thinking or feeling for a  bit.

Azreal was about to flop into his bed on the floor, but luckily, he looked first. Sori was sprawled out; snoring heavily and drooling.

‘Dork.’ Azreal snickered as he quietly slid onto the mat next to his brother.  He brushed some of Sori’s hair out of his mouth and smiled. His little brother made him indescribably happy. He could be annoying at times, but the level of unconditional love and trust Sori had for him was amazing. He wanted to be with his big brother and was endlessly curious. 

As Azreal covered Sori with a blanket, he glanced up and broke into an even bigger grin.

Mari was sharing the one real bed with Nanny, and she was sleeping just as hard as Sori. Her head was propped on her hand and her body was half out of the bed. Nanny was sleeping peacefully with her arms wrapped around Mari. The two looked so much like mother and daughter.

‘Too cute...they’re so sweet...’

Nanny had always said that she wished she could have had a daughter of her own. He'd known that she’d take to Mari, but it still made him happy to see how relaxed and content his family and her were around each other already.

Azreal couldn’t help being captivated by Mari sleeping Her long eyelashes were incredibly delicate and she looked so innocent...he blushed and curled up next to his brother.

In his sleep, Sori squeaked and rolled so that his head was resting on Azreal’s shoulder.

 ‘I’m so very lucky.’ The mercenary reflected gratefully as he closed his eyes, finally feeling a bit of peace and calmness.