Nothin' prepared me for the weight of my sins

For the rest of the evening, I occasionally went out to check on the situation in the streets, and after quite a bit of waiting, the fuss seemed to die down and we determined it was safe for Eleanor and Arthur to go home. Elis and Alces holed themselves up in the spare room Al had lent, and I returned to my own room to get some much needed sleep.

Of course, that didn’t actually happen.

Between escorting Elis & Alces to safety, making sure Arthur didn’t get in trouble and constantly checking the streets for activity, my mind had stayed occupied throughout the night, but now that I was lying in my bed with nothing but my thoughts, the earlier events of the day came back to haunt to me.

I killed someone.

I’m sure most people have something they believe in to such an extent that they think they can even take a human life for it, and I was always one of those people. But to actually do it… to have that blood on your hands… nothing can prepare you for how horrifying that feeling is.

I saw the face of the guy I stabbed. He could have been thirty five at most, probably younger. For all I know, he had a wife and children back home that he was providing for. He could have lived for decades, but I took that away from him. That’s something I could never undo, as long as I lived.

That haunting feeling kept me completely awake and alert. No matter how tired I was, there was just no sleeping with a heart so full of regret. So much so, in fact, that I actually felt relief at hearing that late night knock on the door.

“Barry? Art þou awake? ‘Tis I, myte I enter?” Came the gentle voice of Alice from the hallway.

“Uh… give me a second…” I said, before throwing my shirt and trousers back on quickly. Unlocking the chain lock and slowly opening the door, I was met with the sight of Alice wearing a purple nightgown, and an expression of nervous apprehension. “Come on in…” I said, stepping out of the way and hoping to god she didn’t notice my face go red.

“I see þou hast not slept eiþer…” she said, nervously stepping through the door. “It haþ been… kwite þe day, to say þe least…”

That was the understatement of the century. It wasn’t until I was finally left alone with my thoughts that I realised just how much had happened today. It was just yesterday that Alice was almost fatally wounded. Everything since then had happened in the span of a single day. To put it frankly, I was exhausted.

“Y-yeah… you could say þat…” I closed the door behind her and took a seat on my bed, beckoning her to sit next to me. “So… what’s on your mind?”

“…if I were to say, þe þing waying most hevily upon me wouldst be… þee…” she replied, shuffling awkwardly as she sat. “T-take þat not þe rong way. I mean to say þat… I am conserned for þee. I… rekall þe nyte I first slew anoþer person. I slept not a wink þe entyre eve. By daybrake, my mind's aye saw naught but þe face of þe man I had killed. I… feared þou myte feel þe same…”

I felt Alice’s hand cupping mine, and I turned my own hand over to clasp hers in turn. It was warm, and it eased some of the weight that was bearing down on my soul, but it was bittersweet. How could such a comfortable moment stem from such horrible circumstances? Why was I allowed to sit here holding hands with the most beautiful woman I had ever laid eyes on while someone else lay dead at my hand? What a cruel joke.

“…I really thought I could just do it, y’know. Tell meself it’s ‘for the greater good,’ steel my nerves, and do whatever it takes to see the job done. Even if it meant… killin' anuvva person. But it’s… so different from what I expected. Nuffin' prepared me for the… emptiness… the pit at the bottom of me stomach, the voice in me 'ead tellin' me I’ve done somefin' unforgivable… it’s so much worse than I ever imagined…”

“…aye, ‘tis so. To be frank, þat gilt never disappears, at least not entyrely. It haþ been kwite some tyme sinse my ferst, and þe wate on my soul haþ never fully lifted…”

“Then… how'd you do it? How'd you go on, day by day, livin' life as if it never 'appened? How do you sleep, eat, go about your day, with this… heavy feelin' weighin' ya down? How do ya stay so composed despite all that?”

“I make myself a promise. I sware to myself þat, to make up for my sins which may never be forgiven, I must do good in þis world þat outweigheþ þose sins. For if one becomeþ a killer, þen spendeþ þeir lyfe wallowing in þe misery of killing, þey die as nought but a killer. But if one instedd dedicateþ þeir body and soul wholly to paying þeir dyues, and to making þis horrid world a plase ware such trajedies need not okur, þat black mark wilt not defyne þem, in lyfe nor deaþ. Mistake me not, þat black mark shall remane forevermore. But what truly mattereþ is þat one moveþ past þe blood on one’s hands and use þem for good. One cannot undo þe past, but one may yet chanje þe present, and in turn shape þe future. When I þink on þat, I understand what I must do.” Alice moved in closer, resting her head on my shoulder, and continued, “I noe þe lyfe I have chosen shall lead to deaþ, and I noe I have alreddy left a trale of deaþ in my wake. But all þis means is þat I must dedicate myself even furþer to lyfe. þat is how I live on.”

To be honest, at first it didn’t entirely matter what she said. Her gentle voice was enough to soothe the storm that tore at my heart. But, as I silently contemplated her words, they sunk in more and more, and I felt like I finally understood Alice Edelweiss.

I had built her up in my head as a pillar of virtue, untouchable and unreachable to someone like myself, but she was just as human as I was. No, maybe more so, because she didn’t seek to hide from her problems the way I did. She confronted them, she accepted her herself wholly, and she worked to better herself and the world along the way. She was truly incredible, but she was deeply, undeniably human. I don’t know how I could have ever thought otherwise.

“…you’re amazin', y'know that?” I said, turning my head just slightly and holding her hand even tighter than before.

“I-I am not so eksepshonal. I deserve no such prase.”

“No, you really are. I 'ave you 'ere wi' me and I’m still strugglin' to come to terms with everythin', but you’ve figured this all out on your own. You’re well and truly incredible, Alice.”

Alice hesitated a moment, then moved her head from my shoulder, looking down at the ground.

“…þou flatter me. ‘tis not such an admirable þing, to lern how to cope wiþ taking lyves. þough I believe myne acshons true and just, ‘tis not a burden I wish to be put upon þe shoulders of oþers. And…” she paused and sighed, before continuing in a lower voice, “I am also not so independent as þou seemest to þink. Befor I met þee, þere wer þose under my family’s employ þat assisted me in difficult tymes. And as of late, þou and Eleanor haþ helped tremendously simply by being þere when I needed þee. Alone… is not someþing I am so comfortable being.”

“But… that’s fine, right?” I replied. “You misunderstand me. No one can be truly alone, everyone needs other people to get by in life. But you’ve done… so much more to help me than I could possibly repay. You saw a random foreigner with nowhere to go and not a penny to his name on death's door, and you not only saved my life and brought me along, you gave me a purpose. Without you… even if I 'ad survived, this world would'a swallowed me 'ole. You… saved me. In every conceivable way. Even now, you’re savin' me just sitting there, listenin' and talkin'. It ain't flattery, and it ain't an exaggeration. Alice Edelweiss, you are… really incredible.”

I felt my heartbeat skyrocket. Of course, everything I was saying was completely embarrassing. But it was the pure, unadulterated truth.

That was what Alice Edelweiss meant to me.

“…’tis þou who failest to understand. For ‘twas þee, Barry Mackay, who set me upon þis paþ in þe ferst plase. Aye, ‘twas Ulric’s attempt on my lyfe þat triggered my chanje of hart, but ‘twas þy words þat truly won me over, and þy acshons to protect me even in þe face of deaþ. Wert þou to ask me what it be’þ þat I fyte for, I would have many answers. Liberty, justice, rychus anger against corrupshon. But if þou were to ask why I continyue to fyte even in þe face of fear and deaþ, I would have but one anser. ‘Tis because of þee, Barry Mackay. Wiþ þou at my syde, I fear noþing. And for þat, I owe þee myne everyþing.” She placed her hand on my cheek as she spoke, and as she finished, she sealed my lips with her own.

The warmth that before came from my hand now spread through my whole body. In that moment, there was nothing in the world but myself and Alice. The feeling of her lips against mine, the smell of her carefully cared-for hair, the sound of her lightly breathing… it’s all that existed.

Which is why I surprised even myself when I pulled away.

“…ys someþing þe matter?” She asked, her voice sounding slightly hurt.

“…yeah…” I heaved a heavy sigh, not sure whether I would live to regret my next words. “…I just think this timin' is wrong. I… want to know for sure that the way I feel about you is real, and not just me seekin' comfort from the closest body. I… care about you far too much to just treat you like an object for me own comfort like that. I’m sorry, it just… it doesn’t feel right.”

I shuffled backwards slightly, and I released my grip on her hand. Part of me well and truly wanted to lose myself entirely in her, to let this moment be what it is and nothing over, but… I just couldn’t let that be.

“I… must admit, I may have allaud myself to fall victim to þe atmosfere as well…” she said, putting her hand to her heart. “And… I, too, may have merely been seeking comfort from myne own worries and woes. ‘Twas… hasty of me to indulje myself so shamelessly in þat feeling…” for a moment, she seemed to look down in shame, but after collecting her thoughts, she looked back up at me. “But… I also do not wish for þese feelings wiþin me to go unresolved. I noe þat tonyte be’þ not þe nyte to confront þem, so I propose to þee þis: one week from today, I and þee will meet onse agane in þis room. On þat day, I shall tell þee eksactly what it is I feel for þee, and I would ask þat þou dost þe same. If… þou and I feel þe same way… we may… resume…”

Despite how deeply she began blushing at the end there, what she said made sense. With emotions running as high as they were, tonight was not the night to decide what our relationship should be. But that didn’t mean we couldn’t have that conversation.

We’d just have to be a little more patient.

“O-okay… alright… I think… I’m on board with that. Next week, I’ll tell you exactly how I feel about you. Nothing held back. Just my true, honest feelings.”

Alice looked back at me with a warm, gentle smile and my heart almost leapt out of my chest. How was it possible for a human being to be so beautiful, even in the partial dark?

“I will awate þe day wiþ antisipæshon. But for tonyte, þe hour ys late. ‘Tis best if we finally let ourselves rest, þink þee not?”

“Y-yeah… that’s probably best.” Not that I’d be able to sleep either way.

But, much to my surprise, instead of standing up and leaving the room, Alice instead shifted herself over to the other side of the bed. Upon seeing my puzzled, look she explained:

“þe nyte I ferst took a lyfe, I had none þere to comfort me. Even myne own faþer was busy wiþ oþer matters. And so, I spent þe night awake, and alone. I would not put þe same fate upon þee.” She outstretched her arms and beckoned me closer. “Come. Spend not þis night alone.”

Hesitantly, I drew closer into her arms, before wrapping my own around her in turn.

And thus, with my heart set at ease, I finally managed to drift off to sleep, in the arms of the woman I held most dear.