Why don’t I feel sad?

It was Friday, the end of the school week, which meant I got to hang out with my girlfriend, Onna. We were both so busy with school and out part-time jobs that we agreed to not meet up during the school week. The weekend would be fine for me, but Onna had shifts even during Saturday and wanted to study on Sunday. That left only Friday after school for us to meet. But this Friday wasn’t just any ordinary day. It was our 6 months anniversary, so I got something special planned. I booked us a nice and kind of expensive restaurant and I also bought her a gift for the occasion. It was a pair of matching rings with both our names on them: Onna + Jinko. At first, I felt that it could be a little much for just a half a year anniversary, but when I asked my friends for their opinions, they surprisingly encouraged me instead of teasing me like usual.

I walked out of school with a smile and a lot of confidence and headed for the bus stop. My school was surrounded by a big park pretty much on all sides so I could hear children laughing and birds singing. It felt like the perfect day.

*

“I’m breaking up with you.”

“Huh?”

I was stunned. I just got to Onna’s house to pick her up, all dressed up and prepared with the gift, when she dropped that bombshell on me. I just stared at her for who knows how long, when she spoke up again.

“Aren’t you going to say anything? Why are you just staring at me?”

“What do you mean, you’re breaking up with me? Are you for real? Why? Did I do something wrong? Just tell me and I can do better, I can improve. Please give me a cha-”

“Stop, stop, stop. Just stop. I already made up my mind. I’m sorry, but that’s just how it is. Please go home now.”

“But the reservations...”

“What? You made us reservations? No, it doesn’t matter. Just take someone else.”

“Wait! I even got you a gift, you know, it’s our 6 months anniversary.”

“...”

“Please, just tell me why?”

“Ugh, fine. I owe it to you.”

The next words that came out of her mouth shocked me even more than I already was.

“You’re too clingy, you have no personality and you’re pretty much boring. It’s like everything you do is from a manual on love. You have no hobbies, and you only work because I suggested it. You just have no mind of your own. That’s the main stuff but I can go on if you want.”

I stared at her even harder than last time. After a couple of seconds, I finally managed to speak up.

“...No, it’s fine. I’ll be going now.”

I just turned around without closing the door and went towards the stairs. I at least hoped she would watch me for a while, but the moment I took my first steps, I heard the door close. When I instinctively turned around, the door was really closed. I watched it for a second before finally turning around and leaving the building.

*

When I got home, I acted like nothing happened. I closed the door, said hi to my roommate and went to my room.

After maybe like a minute, I heard a knock on my door.

“Yes?”

When the door opened, I saw my roommate's confused face.

“Weren’t you supposed to be on a date with Onna? What are you doing here?”

Without missing a beat, I answered immediately.

“She broke up with me.”

“What?! Why? I thought things were going great with you two.”

“Yeah, that’s what I also thought, but apparently not.”

It was quiet for a while, before my roommate, Matt, broke the silence.

“So... Why did she break up with you?”

When I told him the reason, he kept looking at me, but his face changed. He had an expression of pity and awkwardness.

That was all the confirmation I needed that day. She had been right, and Matt agreed with her.

*

That night, I didn’t sleep for even a minute. I was overwhelmed by one single emotion, but it wasn’t sadness. It was anger.

I was angry at Onna for breaking up with me, I was angry at Matt because he agreed with her reasoning, and I was angry at myself, because they were right. All I did was go to school, work, study and watch videos online, over and over again. I had no hobbies, no interests and no personality.

When I went to high school, I got asked out by Onna. She was in another class, and I didn’t even know her then, so I didn’t really feel like going out with her. But just when I was about to reject her, I thought to myself, why not try it? So, I agreed. At first, we hung out even during school days, but gradually, she began to distance herself. When I think about it now, it should have been obvious to me back then that she started to like me less and less. But I was clueless. I didn’t really know anything about dating, since she was my first girlfriend, I asked for advice from my friends a lot.
And I followed that advice to the letter. When my friends said to take her to this new romantic movie that came out, I went with her. When they suggested what I could buy her for her birthday, I bought exactly that. For some time, this worked out great, and I didn’t notice anything going wrong. Until she broke up with me.

I didn’t take her to the movies to have fun with her, it was because it was what my friends recommended. It was the same with the birthday gift and the 6 months anniversary. I didn’t do any of it because I liked her, but because I thought that I was supposed to. The night she broke up with me, I didn’t even know if I had loved her, or even just liked her. Now I know I didn’t. I was just pretending. It wasn’t love, I just wanted to fit in. Maybe that’s the reason I'm not feeling sad at all.

*

When I woke up to my alarm, I realized that at some point I fell asleep. The clock showed a minute after 10 in the morning, but I really didn’t feel like getting up. If I had to guess, I had gotten about an hour or two of sleep, max. I just wanted to lie back down and fall asleep again. So that’s exactly what I did.