Little Money Printer

The voice went silent. Finally. Maybe my brain wasn't cooked after all?

The quiet barely lasted a second before the ground rumbled beneath my feet, tilting the concrete like a giant slide. My sneakers lost their grip, and I tumbled forward, the ridiculous costume making it impossible to stop myself. I rolled straight through the barrier and into the containment zone, landing face-first in a pile of ash.

Pushing myself up, I froze. All around me lay the charred remains of what used to be the shopping district - melted store signs, twisted metal, and the skeleton of a delivery truck, still smoking.

Do I frighten you, human?

The voice came again, but this time I could see its source. A massive figure emerged from the shadows between buildings - easily twenty stories tall, with armor-like scales and glowing red eyes.

I brushed ash off my costume. "Honestly? I've dealt with worse customers during rush hour."

The giant kaiju's eyes narrowed, then its chest rumbled in what I could only guess was laughter.

Your species continues to surprise me. Most would have fled screaming by now.

"Yeah, well, running and screaming won't get me my ID back." I brushed more ash off the my costume. Something felt off about this whole situation.

"Hold up. Where's the military? How did your kid even get out?"

The kaiju's eyes gleamed. I cooked them all. The humans in metal boxes made excellent target practice for my volcanic abilities.

"So while you were busy barbequing Shiba's military unit, your kid just wandered off?" My voice came out steady, but my brain was screaming. Stay calm and maybe it won't decide to add a high school student to its menu.

The child grows restless easily. It sensed one of our kind and sought companionship.

"You mean this kaiju costume?" I tugged at the brown fabric. "Look, if it likes me as a friend, maybe it could show it by, I don't know, giving back my ID?"

That is precisely how it displays affection. By taking what interests it from those it admires.

"So what you're saying is... your kid's a kleptomaniac."

Your understanding is… incomplete. Its behavior stems from a deeper evolutionary trait-

"That's nice and all, but can we skip to the part where I get my card back?"

You are... direct. Very well. I have a proposition for you, human.

"Of course you do," I muttered.

I searched this dimension for a suitable caretaker but found none worthy. My plan was to drown this world in magma and seek another. But it seems my child has taken an interest in you. Therefore, I offer you a deal, human. Care for my child until its armor fully develops. One rotation of your planet around its star should suffice. In return, I will delay this world's destruction.

"And after that?"

Once its armor forms, my child will require a proper environment to thrive - one of magma and ash. Your world must be... renovated.

"So either way, Earth gets destroyed? Some deal."

You misunderstand. This is not a negotiation. It is a courtesy. My child's happiness buys your world one rotation, nothing more.

I raised my hand and gave my cheek a solid slap. The sound echoed through the empty street.

What... what are you doing?

"Trying to wake up. Because this can't be real." I slapped my other cheek for good measure. The sting felt pretty convincing though.

Is self-harm a common human response?

Little Shit rolled onto its back, squeaking in what sounded like laughter. It kicked its stubby legs in the air, nearly choking on my ID card in the process.

"Look, I don't know what kind of weird dream this is, but I need to get back to work." I rubbed my now-sore cheeks. "So if you could just tell your kid to give back my ID-"

This is no dream. I'm offering you a simple arrangement. 

"Can't you just... raise it yourself? You know, like a normal parent?"

There are... complications.

"Such as?"

Many seek to destroy me. The humans with their weapons. Other kaiju who view me as competition. Even entities from beyond your dimension hunt me. My child would be caught in the crossfire. It needs time to develop its armor in a safe environment, away from those who wish to harm us.

"And you think leaving it with a broke high school student is the solution?"

You underestimate your value. The child has chosen you. None would suspect a human teenager of harboring my child.

"Fair point. But still-"

The ground trembled as the kaiju leaned closer, its red eyes blazing. The alternative is I take the child with me now, and this world burns tomorrow.

"Okaaay... and what's in it for me? Besides the whole 'world not ending' thing. Because I've got bills to pay, and your kid is just one more mouth to feed."

My child's presence will deter other kaiju from entering your territory. Its volcanic abilities make it a formidable guardian.

I glanced down at Little Shit, who had somehow managed to get my ID card stuck in one of its nostrils. Some guardian.

"Right. Because your kid looks real threatening."

Do not underestimate its potential. Even in juvenile form, its mere scent marks you as under the protection of an S-grade kaiju.

Little Shit sneezed, shooting my ID card out like a projectile. It landed in a puddle of what I hoped was water.

I stared at Little Shit as it went to play with my soaked ID card. Then something clicked in my head.

"Wait a second. S-grade? Like, officially recognized by the government?"

Correct. Your authorities classify us by threat level.

A crazy thought hit me.

"HEHEHE..."

Little Shit paused its antics to tilt its head at me.

But I couldn't help myself. Does it realize what it's offering? Sure, Little Shit probably couldn't even fight off a housecat, but that didn't matter. What mattered was that S-grade kaiju stamp of approval. My mind was already calculating potential revenue streams. Merch, more merch, social media sponsorships…

Tokyo wouldn't just be a dream anymore. I could afford a penthouse in Ginza. Maybe buy out that whole building my manager keeps bragging about. Move over, shitty part-time job. Mama's got a little money printer!

"HEHEHEHEHE!"

Your laughter is... concerning.

"Sorry, just thinking about... investment opportunities."

Then I did some quick math in my head. One year from now would be... March. A week after graduation.

Little Shit climbed up my leg and perched on my shoulder, its weight surprisingly manageable.

"You know what? That timing actually works perfectly." I scratched under Little Shit's scaly chin. "I'd get to see Tokyo before everything goes boom."

You accept these terms with remarkable ease.

"Hey, if the world's ending anyway, might as well."

Then we have an accord.

The ground beneath my feet started to glow red-hot. I stumbled backward but hit an invisible wall - some kind of barrier had formed around us. Little Shit bounced excitedly on my shoulder, its squeaks echoing through the containment zone.

The kaiju reared up to its full height, its bulk blocking out what little sunlight filtered through the darkened sky. It opened its maw and released a deep, resonating sound that vibrated through my bones.

Circles of ancient symbols materialized in the air, spinning around us like a cosmic carousel. They pulsed with a dark crimson light that matched the kaiju's eyes. The heat grew more intense, and sweat poured down my face inside the stupid costume.

Little Shit jumped off my shoulder and started mimicking its parent's movements, though its baby roars came out more like high-pitched squeaks. The sight would have been adorable if I wasn't trapped in what felt like a pressure cooker.

The symbols suddenly burst into flames, forming a spiral that wrapped around my body. The fire didn't burn - instead, it sank into my skin, leaving behind intricate markings that glowed briefly before fading away.

The pact is sealed. The kaiju's voice reverberated through my head. You will care for my offspring until the next summer solstice. Should you fail in this duty, the markings will ignite and consume your flesh in eternal flames.

Wait, since when was spontaneous combustion part of the deal?

A distant whump-whump-whump cut through my thoughts. Military helicopters appeared over the buildings, their spotlights sweeping across the containment zone.

They arrive sooner than anticipated. The kaiju's eyes narrowed. Take my child and go. Now.

"What about you?" I asked, though I was already backing away. The helicopters' mounted guns glinted in the dim light.

I will keep them occupied. The ground will guide you.

The ground beneath my feet suddenly shifted and buckled. A wave of concrete and asphalt rose up like a giant hand, scooping Little Shit and me into the air. We shot backward through the streets as the military choppers opened fire on the kaiju.

Little Shit squealed and clung to my head, nearly strangling me with its stubby arms. The concrete wave carried us around corners and through alleyways, putting distance between us and the fighting.

Remember our agreement. The kaiju's voice echoed in my mind one last time. One year.

Gunfire and explosions drowned out any response I might have made. The concrete wave deposited us roughly behind a bus stop several blocks away, then crumbled back into rubble.

More helicopters roared overhead, heading toward the containment zone. Little Shit squeaked and tried to burrow under my costume's hood.

Just another day in Shiba.