Act 1, Chapter 12: Sing For Absolution

Hollow…

Hollow… is everything…

Down to the speck of nothingness.

Death has never been the end of life. It's the beginning of another eternal life. That’s what other keeps describe.

I don’t need to imagine it. I've never dreamed about how heaven or hell looked. Because I’ve experienced it countless times.

Minutes or hours feel like eons with all the void of nothingness. It’s hard for me to tell whether I was standing on the horizon of eternity. Waiting for the final judgment of Ouroboros, deciding for me either the blessing of heaven or the curse of hell.

I wanted to open my eyes with force, but it's impossible. Numb is my body, blurry my vision, and hollow is my chest.

An echo rang throughout the blackened void like a sudden sonic boom, deafening my ears. Just when I tried to peer at it closer, the blackened void suddenly transformed into a different kind of domain.

It looked like heaven. Or so I thought.

A memory of mine, bittersweet to think about it for countless times.

A time when I don’t need to think about conflicts and stresses.

"Mama! Papa! Look at me! I'm about to fly!"

"Be careful, honey!"

Suddenly, the images of my younger self were reflecting in my eyes. It showed my 10-year-old self about to jump from the roof with my horribly made eagle wings. And my mother is recording it, as my father has prepared an emergency mattress on the ground if things go south.

Just as I peered at it closer, a sudden realization struck upon my sanity, harder than a train. At that time, my science teacher told his students to create a crazy invention that the students could create.

So, I had a crazy idea to create an eagle-like wing from hard cardboards. Reason? My father was obviously a fighter pilot, which is where my secret obsession came from—his occupation.

It was hilarious, cringeworthy, and yet heartrending at the same time.

"Sweetheart, if you're about to fall, just land on the air mattress."

“No stupid maneuver, please!”

"Ok, here I go!"

Right after I briefly backed down, I dashed and jumped down from the roof and flew with my horrible cardboard wing, wishing that my stupidity would work.

But lo’ and behold! I wouldn't expect my cardboard wing to work like a charm. Like Icarus flying his wing that was made from wax.

"I’M A FLYING STINGER!!!"

At that time, I was like the happiest child of my life. Nothing else mattered but just me and my good times through the bliss of my stupidity and ignorance.

"Woah! Watch out for the tree, son!"

Just as I arrogantly thought that I was safe, a tree branch suddenly struck upon my eyes. But without throwing away my chances, I did a bank angle like a fighter jet did and succeeded in evading the tree branch.

"I CAN EVADE IT! EASY AS A-"

But shamefully…

BOK

I struck my forehead right on the neighbor's fence, hard. My forehead was slightly bleeding with the stinging pain that was struck upon my forehead like millions of blades stabbing into my head.

It’s obvious my parents are worried about my condition after the fall. As both rushed into me, Mother tended to me with an increasing worry.

"OH GOD! RAY! HONEY!"

However, her worry suddenly mixed with a reprimand that’s somewhat worsening my stinging pain.

"Honey! I told you not to do any stupid maneuvers! You could get into the ICU for a surgical treatment! Do you want that to happen?!”

But to my surprise, my father suddenly patted Mother as he then cleared up everything with a gentle elaboration.

“Honey, this is the part of his growth. Part of growing up is to accept the inevitability of pain. And Ray is—"

Unfortunately, she cut him short with an increasing worry by raising her tone.

“Not like that! He’ll get himself killed like an idiot!”

Despite the damage on my forehead, I stood up at my parents with a painful smile and asserted to both. Barely standing, I winced in my stinging pain to stop their useless argument.

"It's alright! I still can fight! You told me to never give in and never give up, right? Well, here I am!”

“Honey, I get what you mean. But you’re just gonna—"

But I then cut short their argument as I loudened my assertion.

“Mama, Papa, please! You said to me that a man should never cry, right?! Well, here I am!”

I was then no longer bothered with their worry any further as I walked back into my house and tried to tend to my wound all by myself with a somewhat limping posture from the previous impact.

Not until Father held my left hand with an assertion to put me in my place.

“Not like this!”

With that, all of us went back into our house to take care of my wound from my stupidity with a heartwarming laugh to call it a day.

My father, Clarence Yorkshire. A name that no single person in the military should ever make fun of. The 1st Lieutenant of UZEAF, who was rocking 100 kills, led the leadership of Ifrit squadron since the height of the Cold War and the 1990s Gulf Crisis. That’s why other pilots called him the Demon Lord of Ephrata.

My mother, Anabella Cantaloupe. Another name that makes her a no-pushover since. Her strategic tactics in each conflict gave UZEAF chances to turn back the tide of war. Even she’s my father’s personal flight operator to guide him on every aerial combat. AWACS Tamer is her name, as she always thinks outside the box on taming every wild beast in the sky. Including taming her own husband.

It was heartwarming, yet heartbreaking at the same time, after recalling my shattered memories. Because every time I had good times, it turned out to be entirely temporary. As I had to face such eternal suffering, rivalling all 9 circles of hell.

***

The horizon of nothingness converted into a flashback of my high school self, coming home late after studying for class promotion and personal projects, and attending the UZAF academy with Beck.

It suddenly reminded me of when I overheard an argument in the dining room, where both of my parents had a usual argument regarding retirement.

"Honey, please! How many times were you almost dying in that place?!"

"I don't want you to plunge yourself into the abyss further and stupidly think to yourself that you could make it out alive!"

Mother’s tone was teary, pleading with my beloved father to peacefully retire and make our time together

"You promised to retire right after he graduated middle school to pass down the torch. But… it is such a shame that you THREW IT ALL AWAY LIKE A LAMB TO SLAUGHTER!!!"

Her sudden retort and the brutal banging of the dining table jump-scared me to death like a train that suddenly t-boned my body at sonic boom velocity. Although it doesn’t point at me, it still scared me to death, considering my mother was a former officer who’s ever retorted to her juniors like a typical drill officer.

I don’t need to think twice about how it feels getting scolded by her, considering I’ve endured more than enough from my imperfection or slight misbehaving.

Alas, she ended her retort with a teary tone, pleading for the last time.

"Don't you realize the enemy you've killed has the same family as we do?!"

My curiosity about my parents' arguments is peaking. So, I took cover in the wall and eavesdropped on their arguments. All the while, Father responded with a sterner tone.

“Don’t be such a fool! War is all about life or death!”

“Because once a man holds a weapon, they are already regarded as the villain in others’ eyes.”

“Nobody is born good nor evil. They made everything for themselves and by themselves.”

Mother was holding Father’s right hand, preventing him from risking his life, and tried her best to tame the wild beast inside his very soul. Her eyes were tearing, which slowly dropped to the floor.

"Honey! Can’t you please stop with your preposterousness! You think by killing a million lives to save just one petty life you will regain your faith in humanity?!”

“And wouldn’t that make you no different than what you swore to destroy?”

"It's called DUTY, YOU MAGGOTS!!!"

His sudden retort scared me to death as he also banged the dining table hard enough to emit such a sonic boom. Where he doubles down on his retort that further terrifies me like a drill sergeant in my boot camp year.

"HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I BEEN BEATEN UP IN MY BOOT CAMP YEAR?! HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I ENDURED PUNISHMENTS FROM MY FAILURE?! HOW MANY FAILURES DO I HAVE TO SUFFER IN THERE?! AND HOW MANY TIMES DID I HAVE TO DO SUCH SUICIDE MISSIONS?!”

Right after a brief suspense, he then finished with a gentler tone.

"I sacrificed myself not just for them. But for you, and for Ray!"

Even so, his retort had edged Mother to the brink of divorce. In which she keeps her composure, gives him a darkened glare, and responds with a low but serious tone.

“If you can’t stop your megalomaniac, I will stop you by any means. Even if it means to kill you!”

The stupid argument of my parents had sickened me to death. Where I stepped out from the wall and expressed my increasing bitterness.

“Why are you always like this?!”

I could feel a million stabs in my chest the moment I spoke it. That surprised both mother and father as I briefly suspended their argument. I thought that they would be self-aware of what they had done previously, but it turns out they glanced at me with bitterness on my face.

"Ray?! Son?!"

"Honey?! Please, get back to bed. It’s late already.”

Even though Mother was trying her best to convince me to ignore their discourse, their discourse had plagued my sanity for years. I'm about to burst into tears because I'm tired of looking at my parents quarreling about something I've had enough of listening to.

"Every time I go home, normally, you have to at least appreciate my commitment and my hard work.”

"But… it's wrong…"

"Honey, I'm so sorry that we have some quarrel. Please, go back to your—"

Mother tried her best to ignore their discourse. But I’ve had enough. I burst it.

"I DON'T REALLY CARE!!!"

That immediately frightened my parents to death, witnessing my sudden outburst. In which I further double down with tears flowing on my cheeks. Witnessing my preciousness slowly burned into the ground.

"All I want… is… an appreciative family. Where you could at least appreciate my commitment to enlisting in the UZAF!"

"Son, I have a duty from the—"

I cut his conversation short and retorted to all of them again. With my chest swelling hard from the pain, tears were dropping all over my cheeks.

"I DON'T FREAKING CARE IF MAMA AND PAPA WANTED TO KILL THEMSELVES!!! I'M JUST TIRED OF HEARING ALL OF YOU TORTURING YOURSELVES FOR ME!!!"

"If you really loved each other… then you… just have to stop…"

"All of you are only caring about yourself."

Thenceforth, I saw myself rushing to my bedroom with a bitterness on my face, as I just couldn’t hold it any longer.

"Ray?! Ray!"

Right after I closed my door with a brutal thud. I then kneeled on the floor like I was praying to God and bursting all my frustration like a possessed soul in exorcism.

That’s when I’ve had enough and let out all of my tears. Because I feel like everything had gone downhill right after their last arguments.

***

19 September 2001 is the date when all happiness turned into an endless sorrow. It was during my graduation test that I had to face those who want me dead in the blue skies of our occupied Middle Eastern nation’s capital.

A haunting alarm blared in the surrounding area, a sign that doomsday was nigh. The distant thunder was storming through the capital’s airbase, where the storm had plagued our beloved airbase. The swarm of extremist bombers and escort craft had dropped their payloads over our runway, hangars, and parked allied craft.

I witnessed my high-school self evacuating to the underground bunker with the latter, as we let the active squadron take care of those invading extremist crafts. The latter was panicking, with the exception of myself. I stood there, silently watching in awe as there were 5 C-18 Stingers in jet black paint jobs taking off from the runway.

Turns out, that was my father with the latter Ifrit squadron to scramble and intercept the invading aircraft. They were no pushover, of course, but I suspect those extremist crafts were scrambling their elite fighter squadron to boost up the job.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! MOVE, CADET!!!"

But it is such a shame that one of my drill sergeants brutally barked in my ears as he dragged me into the bunker with the ladder. Prevented me from further witnessing their mission as the bunker’s gate slowly shut like an abyss that had shut down.

And now, everything had returned into the blackened void with no point of return, with no sounds, no memories.

Just as I was broken down in tears with torturing regrets that rivaled all 9 circles of hell, there was a sudden light that randomly appeared on my right side.

Right as I briefly stopped my tears and glanced at the light, it seemed like it had spoken to me to stop lamenting myself and keep moving forward.

Maybe they got some point. Even though the past is painful for me to bear, constantly mourning about it won’t fix anything. I should never stop moving on, improving myself, adapting to the unpredictable situation, and overcoming the upcoming challenges!

But even if I end up like the mirage of Sisyphus, I will never give in nor give up to defeat the cabal of evils that has plagued the world.