I Could Almost Feel You

Hazuki felt his chest ignite. She was there standing right in front of him.

“Naoe?” he asked once more.

Naoe nodded and extended her hand out as though to touch his face, but stopped herself.

“Hazuki, what happened to you?” she whispered as she looked at the shattered ruins of the boy she had once known.

“Everything,” was all he could reply.

The pain in his chest was now pulsing through the entirety of his body. Seeing her before him had sent a cascade of feelings into him that he was not prepared for. Tremors began to rattle his legs and arms, and it was not just from the cold.

“Naoe,.. Are you… real?” he asked her outright.

To his terror, she paused. It was as though she was measuring her words.

“Why do you only appear around this tree?” he asked.

His tone was broken, not confrontational.

“Why have you only ever worn the same kimono?”

She didn’t answer.

“Why do you appear almost out of thin air when the trees start to bloom, then vanish weeks later without a trace?”

No reply.

“Why do some people stare at me when I talk to you? Like they can’t see you…”

The wind picked up around them and he watched as her body and clothes responded naturally to the gusting patterns. To his eyes, she seemed to be a part of the reality he existed in, but he couldn’t be sure anymore. Trembling fingers reached into his jacket pocket and removed the photo of him as a child where Naoe was visible in the background. His voice began to shake in anticipation of a traumatic rebuttal of reality.

“Why are you still the same age as you were in this photo from over a decade ago?” he asked as he gave her the photo.

Still, she did not respond. Tears formed in his eyes.

“I lost everything. And the doctors told me I had to take these meds to be normal. But I don’t know what’s real anymore. And I have trouble remembering so much. I almost forgot you. But when I remembered, I remembered so much. But I have so many questions now,” he explained.

Finally, Naoe looked up at him. There was a heavy sadness to her now. He had seen it before. Flickers of that deep sadness would appear in conversations with her when he asked about her day, or about her past. Now it threatened to consume her as she stood there in cautious silence.

“I… I am real… I’m just… complicated,” she replied.

“How?” asked Hazuki.

“I… I don’t fully know all of the details,” she confessed.

“What do you know then?” he pressed.

“I was born almost two hundred years ago…” she said as she finally met his gaze.

Her expression was sincere.

“Very few people can see me. Only those with a strong connection to the trees. And I’m always here at this tree because it’s where I am confined to stay,”

Clarity became even more distant with every answer. Each statement contained ten thousand questions. Somehow, this was in line with what Hazuki expected. The shock floored him, but he was quick to accept it as truth. The cruelty of the past few years had made him adept at quickly processing life-shattering news. Still, he found himself frightened by the supernatural truth that was now being presented to him. Fear of this all being a hallucination he had dreamt over the years crept into his mind and it took all of his internal capacity to banish.

“I arrive with the blossoms and leave when their time is up. Every year,” said Naoe.

“You’ve been trapped here in this grove, at this tree, for almost two centuries?” asked Hazuki in shock.

She nodded and looked away from him for a moment.

“Maybe I was cursed,” she whispered.

Hazuki watched her face as she wrestled with the melancholy within.

“The villagers used to say I was cursed because of my eyes,” she said.

Hazuki had heard of such concepts before. It was said that those with sanpaku eyes were considered ill-fated and destined for a life filled with misfortune. Hazuki shook his head at the notion.

“I think your eyes are beautiful,” he whispered.

His words caught Naoe by surprise. She looked up in a quick glance and met his gaze. In contrast to her wide, bright white eyes, his eyes were hollow, sunken, and dull. Dark bags lined the lower edges. Still, he was the same boy she had known.

“How long has it been since I saw you?” she asked.

“Over two years,” he replied.

She exhaled and let the knowledge process.

“I was afraid you were gone for good. That you had moved away and that was our last conversation together,” she said longingly.

“I wanted to see you. So badly. I’m sorry they tried to make me forget about you. I wanted to remember you. I used to dream about you,” he said.

This caught her attention and there was a glint of fear in her eyes.

“What do you mean?” she asked.

“Just, all kinds of dreams. Boyish dreams. Dreams of missing you. Dreams of you in fields and forests.”

His answer didn’t seem to alleviate her concern. Naoe closed her eyes as an intense wave of focused sorrow washed over her. When her eyes opened again, she looked back to Hazuki and reached out to touch his face. At first, he flinched ever so slightly, but after the initial recoil, he steadied himself.

“It’s okay,” she whispered.

Then her hand was there. They touched for the first time since their very first meeting. Her fingers rested along the curves of his cheekbone and settled on his jaw and cheek. They didn’t look away from one another.

“You kept your hair long,” she said as tears formed in her eyes.

“For you, always for you,” he replied as his hand slowly reached up to touch hers.

She stepped towards him, and her other hand reached out to him. Hazuki didn’t resist. Small fingers met his waist and then gently slid around to his back as Naoe embraced him. As Hazuki closed his eyes and breathed in through his nose, he caught a scent of plum and sandalwood. Without thought, his own hands made their way to Naoe’s back and returned her embrace. They stood there holding one another without speaking. Tears flowed down Hazuki’s face and he felt a warmth coming from Naoe’s cheeks that told him she was crying as well.

“I waited for you to come back. Every day I waited,” she whispered.

“I got here as fast as I could,” he said in a soft reply.

The tent behind them caught Naoe’s attention.

“Why are you sleeping in that?” she asked.

“That’s my home now. I don’t have a house. I lost all of it when my grandparents died. I was sent away, and when I came back, other people were living there. This is all I have. But I can be here with you now.”

Her fingers were against his face again. Fingertips grazed the scars and hardened skin along his cheekbones. After a moment of tracing the harsh lines of pained memories, Naoe finally fully observed his leg and cane.

“Your leg…” she pleaded.

Hazuki shook his head.

“I’m so sorry. I wish I could have been there with you,” she said.

“I wish I’d never left,” he answered.

Visions of her standing alone in the golden dusk light on the night of their last meeting all those ages ago haunted Hazuki’s mind as he looked at her now.

“I should have run back to you that night. I saw you standing there, and I kept going home. I wanted to tell you. I should have told you,” he said.

“Told me what?” she asked.

“That I liked you. That you were beautiful.”

His words surprised her. She stepped back slightly to look at him.

“I’m sorry I didn’t,” he said.

Naoe shook her head.

“Neither of us could have planned for what happened to you. I’m so sorry,” she replied.

Birds were chirping more now as the sun had risen further into the morning sky. Snow continued to melt and drip to the ground. A single middle-aged runner was making their way through the park’s walking paths. Hazuki’s gaze finally looked away from Naoe for the first time in several minutes, and he felt a sudden flash of fear that she might be gone when he looked back at her. His reaction was swift and Naoe noticed him nervously return his focus to her.

“What?” she asked.

“I was afraid you’d be gone when I looked back to you,” he admitted.

Naoe smiled her sad half-smile and took his hand.

“I’m still here. I’ll be here for a little while. You don’t have to worry about that,” she answered.

It was welcome news for Hazuki, but the fear still lingered in his subconscious. Every glance away from her felt like a gamble that might end with him losing her again.

“Can I stay with you? While you’re here for these few weeks?” he asked her.

Naoe blushed at the question.

“Stay with me here at my tree? All day?” she asked.

“I leave sometimes. For food, and treatment, and bathing, that sort of stuff. But other than that, yes. I’d like to be here with you. We have so much to catch up on,” Hazuki replied.

Naoe smiled at the thought and glanced at his tent.

“I’d like that,” she replied.

With that, the edge of winter began to thaw into early spring. Hazuki readjusted his tent to be directly beside Naoe’s tree. As the snow melted away, Hazuki and Naoe sat beneath the blossoms for the entire day. Even as hunger pains rattled Hazuki’s stomach, he didn’t dare leave Naoe’s side. Fear of losing her again was still too strong. It was only after several minutes of Naoe hearing his growling insides and begging him to go eat did Hazuki agree to step away for a quick konbini trip.

“Do you eat?” he asked Naoe.

She seemed legitimately puzzled.

“I… honestly do not know. I’m not sure I’ve tried in a very long time…” she answered.

“I’ll get you something too, just to see then,” said Hazuki as he slowly limped away.

Watching him walk away, Naoe found herself mourning the energetic boy she had seen in their most previous meeting before then. All those months and years of trauma had broken that kind young boy into a fragile, tragic figure of a young man. Still, he was Hazuki. He was tall, kind, handsome, long-haired, and gentle. Naoe found herself longing for him before he was even out of her sight. That longing frightened her.

“This is new,” she whispered to herself in hesitation.

Minutes passed and soon Hazuki returned with a bag of dinner, drinks, and snacks.

“Here,” he said as he handed Naoe a package.

“Hokkaido cream puff. It’s nice,” he explained.

Naoe took a bite and light exploded across her face.

“I can taste it!!” she exclaimed in surprised joy.

It was the first thing she had tasted in generations.

“It’s delicious!!”

They ate dinner together and talked to one another for hours. Hazuki did his best to piece together his memories and explain everything that had happened. Numerous times through the discussion, Naoe’s hand had reached out to clasp Hazuki’s without either noticing. After several hours, they were close to one another, still holding hands. Hazuki had just explained how a young couple now lived in his old home but they had been kind to him. Now he was here with her. Sleep was calling to him.

“Do you sleep?” he asked.

Naoe shook her head.

“Not really. I sleep after the blooming season. But please, rest,” she replied.

Closing his eyes for hours was the last thing Hazuki wanted to do. Naoe could sense it.

“I’ll be here when you wake. I promise,” she said.

Hazuki finally accepted and decided it was time to sleep. The emotions of the day had drained him and the thought of rest was a welcome one.

“Okay. Good night, Naoe,” he said.

“Good night,” she replied.

Hazuki fumbled into his tent and began to prepare for bed. As he organized his sleeping space and unfurled his futon, a thought crossed his mind. His tent zipper opened and he peered out to look at Naoe. She was still there beside him.

“What?” she asked.

“Would you… like to be in here with me? I’d like that if you would,” asked Hazuki.

“Be with you?!” asked Naoe in modest shock.

“You don’t have to lay with me. I’d just like to feel you near me after all this time,” replied Hazuki.

Naoe could sense he was being sincere and not trying to be promiscuous or indecent. His honest vulnerability was disarming. She found herself drawn to the idea as well. After a pause, she accepted.

“Okay. I can do that,” she answered.

Hazuki smiled a kind smile.

“Thank you,” he replied as she made her way into the tent with him.