22 ~ January night. Wing 3

Mary-Esther yelled through the void until the sounds vanished again.

The walls were trembling as if there was an earthquake or fluidity into them.

They actually began to fissure here and there this time.

Once the spell was over, her wings fell numb along with her. She fell back onto the ground as her wings mechanically folded back over her shoulders. It displaced her centre of gravity a little and made her loose balance while she was still numb. Elise caught her quite gently before she would really fall.

Little by little... They were climbing. Esther was trying to rush things with the only efficient tool she had found, over the year they had spent in that place.

It was draining her to exhaustion each and every time, but also bringing all sorts of sensations and hope moving forward.

Elise was still helping her and climbing along. Scarlett, whilst keeping in touch with them and coming to spend some time once in a while, refused to help.

She was spending her possible eternity now reading.

Because much to their shared surprised, the books she could find around the place were normal, full and readable.

So Scarlett could spend her time in leisure, simply reading everything she came to find, almost as if she were still alive.

More interesting even, was the fact that every time the world changed slightly from Mary-Esther’s spellcasting, it also made a few more books sprout here and there on some shelves. They appeared as if they always had been there before, quite magically.

Funnily, there even appeared to be some logic about their apparitions. History books were in some rooms and studies, while religious texts in the various churches of the building. The books with topics about warfare were on the shelves of the weaponry.

And since they recently had accessed the two whole levels of a general library, Scarlett now spent most of her time around there.

Mary-Esther was falling more often asleep lately, mostly after doing efforts like that. And every time she woke up afterward, she had her will strengthen by the sensation of progress, and queerer dreams about the other world. She had visions of reality, or very vivid dreams. She couldn’t see anyone yet, but it was such a pleasant and motivating feeling, that it became a drug for her.

Feeling reality and life, she wanted it more than ever.

Every time she returned to this place, she only longed to leave it further.

And as she had more of these visions over the time, she felt she was getting closer and closer, while keeping a frustration of always returning.

She wasn’t sure whether she would manage to simply not return from it someday, or whether it was safer progress to keep climbing these endless and cold hostile stairways...

She wanted to take the shortcut if it could work.

To burst away in a flight, through the rain, as Blue did herself.

The stairs were the way to ascend for the dead, or the mere mortals

Flying through the well itself and not crawling around it, was the way she fantasized to take.

Flying up, leaving the endless pit with its damp colosseo behind.

Reaching the cathedralis above them, and passing through the doors...

Elise & Scarlett for different reasons, preferred to keep their thoughts to themselves a little longer than Esther could.

She was growing a little wild and crude, frustrated. Except when she was in the presence of her beloved Blue of course.

The love of her life, or current state of existence, still brought the best of Mary-Esther.

Blue appeared once while Mary-Esther was still asleep and unconscious therefore.

It was the only time when she was not immediately transported through the floor to her, and Blue was left to wander around on her own for a little while.

From the empty inside garden, Blue had ventured through the mysterious building, looking around the walls and into the rainy agora that caught her attention every time.

Blue had walked a level downstairs on her own, looking for her friend.

She opened the doors to the main weaponry and entered its wide northern side. The room with the stairs leading upward was also leading to a balcony over the rainy courtyard, but this time she was curious about other things around.

The shelves of this place held the modern weaponry, meaning handguns and rifles, which Blue never expected to see.

She was puzzled but didn’t dare touching any of them, even if it was still mostly like a dream.

Blue looked around like she would have in any other museum, slowly making her way toward the next room. Since she had arrived from the modern times side of things, she entered the place with displays of previous centuries firearms. She gazed around with a curiosity for some of them that showed more artistic display than crude practicality to her inexperienced eyes.

Blue noticed how a revolver had been removed from its display and left on a table next to it. Someone had manipulated it recently. Now her curiosity took the better of her and she went to take it in hands, hesitantly but too curious to let it by.

Holding a powerful weapon brought a mix of strange feelings, but she felt more nervous than anything in the end, and put it back where it was apparently supposed to be.

In the next room, the widest one, there was a central pillar with roughly the size of the room she had left. It was covered with displays holding various historical swords along with the walls beside. Blue found herself surrounded in this gallery, by hundreds of metallic gleams.

She was a little impressed again, still not quite expecting this.

Before she would begin looking into the specific collections of shapes and cultural differences, a noise caught her attention on her left.

She heard someone in the next room and thus proceeded to open the doors to the small gymnasium. This smaller room was also open to the light and rain.

But against all odds she had in mind, she didn’t find Mary-Esther there, but witnessed her sister Elise apparently practising fencing on her own.

Elise had attached her hair in a way she never had in her lifetime, in a tight bun, wearing men’s clothing and doing some exercises against mannequins, holding a Florentine rapier.

They both looked at each other in clear stupor, never expecting to see each other in such fashion.

It was unexpected a meeting for both of them.

Elise & Scarlett both generally tried not to make contact with Blue, feeling it was the best for her own sake, in doubt about the truth of their condition. Blue cared less for their worries and walked briskly closer to her late sister.

Elise was paralysed in fright at first, but ended up letting herself getting hugged by Blue, who was clearly taken by the emotion of seeing her.

Elise was uncomfortable and worried, but held Blue back, as much as she could hold her as well.

Of course she had also missed Blue...

~

After finding each other again so suddenly and unexpectedly, they went toward a bench to chat a little together.

Blue shared her news kindly, her happy memories and her own worries.

She was worried about what Esther might be doing lately.

Elise listened carefully, smiling with some melancholia, still looking a little younger than she should really have next to Blue. As much as she was pained somewhere by their situation, she still listened with great solace to everything Blue had to say. It was good to hear how she was so nicely doing up there in her real life. Things seemed to go so well, it was a great relief to Elise.

Then Blue began to enquire about Elise’s feelings and news, to which the blond teenager between unclear ages turned more and more elusive in her answers. Elise’s answers became vague at best, forcing Blue to eventually ask the truly meaningful question.

B - Why are you trying to leave too?

Elise looked away, weighing her words before she would answer... She might not tell the truth, still feeling like she ought to protect Blue from things that shouldn’t reach her.

E - I cannot answer you that... I’m sorry Blue.

B - But... Why not?

E - Because if I fail, I... I don’t want to tell you because ti’s not about you, nor Rose. It’s not something that is supposed to be... I don’t want to bring a change into life while I’m dead. Scarlett and I both think it’s dangerous for you to talk with us. We don’t know what curse it could bring.

B - But unlike Scarlett, there seem to be something that drives you to try your chance with Esther... Isn’t it?

E - I won’t tell you. I’m sorry.

Elise had enjoyed her time shared with Blue, and felt pained but happy at how inquisitive she now could be. The forbidden bliss had been enjoyable, but now she really felt she better should leave. The nervousness of holding something forbidden that could cause great harm eventually, Blue had a feeling of it just recently, and Elise felt it a hundredfold with every word she spoke to Blue.

Then Mary-Esther appeared, entering the room at that time, still waking up and in some apparent daze.

Elise used that chance to say her goodbyes and leave her sister behind.

It was Mary-Esther’s turn to smile heartily at Blue now.

Blue was in her dreamlike lull anyway and didn’t feel really bad about it, suddenly shifting conversation partner.

Elise left the room briskly on her side, brushing away some small tears from her cheeks, gritting her teeth slightly.

~

For the first time in their relation, Esther’s smile dropped while listening to what Blue had to say.

It was a crack in her mind.

B - You are haunting me Esther... It’s lately become difficult to bear.

Mary-Esther felt a dread and a shock, almost as if the floor had collapsed below her.

Now she understood the price to pay for her shortcuts, for her visions of the outside.

It had been at Blue’s expense.

M - But... I’m getting closer!

But it was the wrong way.

B - We helped each other... But you have changed. Not the wings, but the feelings you bring in reality. It’s been growing colder, and now somewhat ghastly... I feel like you’re trying to pass through by force, no matter how much we try to help you, and that... You wouldn’t mind even using me.

Esther’s frustration only grew hearing these painful statements, even shifting to anger rapidly.

She was scared, because now Blue appeared even slightly afraid of her. Now, of all times!

M - Blue... I now have a conscious mind thanks to you, and I’ve never been so close to being a human being in heart. I forever owe it to you... But... I want to be alive! I don’t want just a heart, I want a body up there too!

Esther was begging. She was imploring Blue not to abandon her now of all times. She was panicking.

M - I want to live! To eat, to breathe, to suffer and change. I want to fear death even! But as a human... I have felt what it’s like lately and I can’t get enough of it... Even if it was through you...

B - Would you hurt me for it?

Mary-Esther felt trapped and shocked again. Her heart hurt her more than she could recall before.

She felt the blood pulse inside her chest and limbs. Her wings twitched nervously. Her face had turned cold...

Esther realised too late, she was actually seriously doubting.

Because now was the boundary check, about how far was she really ready to go to achieve her goal?

Blue was looking shy and worried in front of her, waiting for an honest answer. Mary-Esther was now agape, thinking about it seriously. What was more important now, between her promise as a blue rose, and her wish to earn her own life?

Before she knew it, Blue was whipping Esther’s cheeks from the dripping tears. Blue had a gentle and sorry smile.

B - You can cry now... I’m sorry I made you tear up. Is this also due to your progress?

M - Yes... I can cry now. It hurts less... I... I want to shed real tears too...

Blue’s smile grew sadder, and she stepped back. Mary-Esther’s wings pulsed another unclear sensation through the air.

B - Is there no other way for you to be?

M - Even if I was god in this underworld... I cannot satisfy myself spending eternity here with the ghosts... I need to live above... I need to reach reality, but...

She obviously didn’t want to harm Blue in the process. Could she have both? It didn’t have to be a choice, did it?

A painful silence kept them apart for a while.

Mary-Esther was sad, from the painful questions and considerations. She felt guilty for hurting Blue without realizing so far, and making her worry to such extent.

She was searching for a solution, an answer, while her desire to see the reality again and for good was pulsing through her veins.

Her desire, and her care for Blue. No, her love for Blue... That had been the only thing true for a while.

Yet now, that love had changed over the evolution of her own consciousness and existence...

She thought about something else while looking at her. Blue was looking around, also lost in thoughts.

That other thought also brought tears to Esther’s face quietly. She felt disgusted by the thought she had contemplated however.

Her emotions were rising raw, barely under control now. Why was it always at the worst of times, that her childish side came back yelling into her head? But now it felt worse than that to her.

And something broke inside Mary-Esther’s head, or heart.

Just like that, suddenly and quietly, something died inside of her.

Over self-hatred rising without control and desires hardly more managed.

Mary-Esther let herself fall to her knees, and her dress moved weirdly. Blue turned around and saw Esther seemingly praying or begging again, her hands nearly reaching the ground.

Her two wings stretched on her sides, and a third one began to sprout and grow out of her back before Blue’s shock.

Blue was amazed by the extraordinary and somewhat beautiful show, not realizing that Esther couldn’t hear her anymore.

~

Blue had told her she was haunted by her.

She had told her she had felt possessed a handful of times...

Blue had shared a little how more and more bizarre events had been occurring in the house lately. She had told Mary-Esther everything, and especially how tired and restless she had now become.

A budding fear had appeared in time.

A worry that Esther could hurt Blue’s mind, and in worse dreams that she might even come to possess her unwillingly.

B - I’m sure... I know... You should find another way to climb... Don’t rush rashly, okay?

Blue did not want her to fly and ascend the way she could do.

Blue was not helping her anymore.

More than her inner child turning spoiled, Mary-Esther felt that the walls were now screaming, yelling at her continuously. It brought a growing fright, inflaming her anger. It was feeling awful, but she felt that a conclusion had been reached anyway.

Blue was no longer helping her...

Mary-Esther stood up again, very slowly.

Various desires were burning, howling, tampering within her, but something new was crushing everything else inside. A different kind of will was now coldly closing the desires that were allowed to express themselves.

M - With one wing, I sought to bend this place to my will. With two wings, I sought to reach you in the sky... With three wings, I will move even the stars...

Blue made an instinctive step back.

The gaze of Mary-Esther wasn’t perspiring love any longer.

~

Sadness and frustration had turned into cold anger. The feeling that Blue never really tried willingly to help her was now magnified by her demand to act differently...

How could she be so insensitive? Didn’t she know how much she suffered down there? How hard it was to climb, or even to remain? Against everything trying to keep them down...

And as close as she was to accomplish no less than a miracle. As she could start peering outside even, getting realistically closer, now Blue was opposing her?

Mary-Esther was sad and feeling a form of disgust, against herself and her own anger against Blue; but also against Blue who now seemed to prefer to stand in her way...

M - Now... Now you want to stand in my way... You never really wanted to help me, did you?

Blue appeared frightened hearing such words.

But Mary-Esther had more distress to express in more or less coherent ways. Blue had now to endure harsh words that came from pain more than reason, and the young woman found herself unable to answer the growing stream of reproaches.

M - After everything I’ve done for you, you haven’t done a thing for me!

And the spite of Esther seemed to grow with every harsh word, reproaches turning to claims, and then demands, and the sanity in them kept being challenged to dangerous thresholds.

Horror grew.

M - Why haven’t you tried summoning me into another body? Either a living host or a fresh corpse would have been fine by me!

B - Esther... I cannot do that!

M - Then what about a child? Why don’t you get pregnant so I can get incarnated inside your womb!

B - Esther! I... I can’t!

M - Then what other way do you propose, since you now refuse my own! All my hopes and ideas are no good for you!

B - But your ideas are insane!

M - And how should I know? I never was human to begin with! I have spent more time remembering things that were not from me, than actually living for myself!

Memories and screams, refusal to die, denial, and dreadful instinct to give it all, just to live again.

The screams from the walls were echoing with her own will and desire now as always.

Blue however was tearing up in fright, walking backward and away from Esther in visible fear.

The dangerous three wings raised around looked as threatening as hydra’s heads to her now.

She stepped away until her back hit a wall, and she felt horrible.

Blue was petrified and Mary-Esther reaching for her, now grabbing her hand with anger and strength.

Something was hurting them both suddenly in that display of anger, and Mary-Esther let go of her arm just as suddenly.

A moment later, Blue felt her feet leaving the ground. She was leaving, still holding her tears.

As saddened as she was, she felt the relief that she was about to leave this awful dream.

Mary-Esther was glaring, and did something Blue had never seen before.

She seemed tense, opening her mouth and stretching her wings, as if she was yelling, but no sound could be heard. Her arms and hands were looking just as tensed, as if she

The air turned wavy for an instant, and Blue realised with terror that she wasn’t flying away and waking up anymore.

On the contrary, she saw her feet returning to the ground before her.

She fell on her knees, touching the cold rocks. Her head was now in turmoil, a sudden headache adding to the confusion and fright.

Behind Blue for the first time, the night had fallen into this place.

She was still there, because Esther had managed to prevent her from leaving.

Below Blue’s trembling fingers, the cold sensations of touching the dust and floor tiling and bare rocks were now feeling more real. She felt more awake, yet she was still there.

Blue was shivering because of the cold sensations coursing through her fingers and body, and mostly the fear flooding her senses.

She was now seeing a newly set darkness she had never seen before in this place.

The rain was falling into a more violent downpour behind her.

And in front of her Mary-Esther in the shades looked more threatening than ever...

Blue felt terrified and miserable, awfully at her dimming mercy.

B - Esther... What are you doing to me...

M - I’m building my wings... If religion can make humans ascend, so shall I.

B - What... What are you saying? Let me go! I feel awful... I have to leave...

M - I want to leave too! I might be akin to god in here, but I want to ascend!

B - Esther... What are you becoming...

Blue was crying, dripping tears along the floor. Mary-Esther shivered, and saw Blue vanishing instantly instead of flying away.

She felt the sudden loneliness more than anger, seeing the rain behind her again.

On the ground she could see the little wet stains.

Mary-Esther felt a sudden cool down and found herself trembling awfully. The angry rush was gone and the anger turning to regrets already. Disgust rose, along with guilt and more pain.

More depressed than ever, she began to cry loudly.

She felt like an abandoned child again, punished arguably violently for its mistakes and wrong behaviour.

It felt violent to her.

Now that she was ripped and lonely, all she did was cry, more than she ever had...

Her voice filled the world with more sorrow than anger now that Blue was gone.

Esther cried over her pain, over her mistakes, over her love, and over what was bound to come next.

She cried and let herself slip until she finally fainted herself, falling into her puddle softly.

Her love was gone.

~

The rain was continuing to pour down the colosseo as always.

It was a little colder now, mists rising again. Some droplets were even slightly frozen when they impacted the walls like hail.

Far below the damaged wrecks of the roof they had once built, the water reached a freezing pool with some ice clinging here and there against the walls, turning them paler.

These white spots and occasional icy shards were sparkling sometimes, but mostly spreading everywhere along the places exposed to the rain.

The leaning roof architecture had mostly collapsed, its remnants stuck below the 38th floor. Some stalactites of ice could be guessed here and there along frozen pieces of cloth.

Everywhere, the air was now colder and more humid than ever. It brought a crawling and lingering mist in more and more corridors, entering the rooms even away from the rain.

Blue wasn’t coming anymore.

It wasn’t a surprise, but through the days and weeks passing by, it came as a growing pain.

Scarlett and Elise had both glared at Mary-Esther with a high mixture of cold wrath against her when hearing about what happened. But the perpetrator herself was looking in shambles and guilt ridden already, so they held their tongues and hands. Nevertheless, the strain was clear for everyone.

They were not sure if the freezing temperatures were Blue’s or Esther’s doing.

Out of spite, or out of guilt.

But they spent a long time suffering in that damp and harsh winter.

Elise and Scarlett were trying to warm themselves up burning whatever they could find in an impromptu fireplace or another. They were shivering all the time now that Summer was clearly gone.

Mary-Esther was wandering around, more depressed than ever. She was trying to move the world far lesser than she otherwise could.

She kept doing it regularly, but now tried to keep a slower pace than before.

Instead of doing her most, she did her minimum.

Every time still replenished the stocks of combustible for the group and kept opening new levels, one after another.

She also still had the chance to have these thrilling glimpses at the other side...

She couldn’t stop.

But she tried to slow down as much as she could afford.

Mary-Esther was feeling out of tears to shed. She was feeling bad most of the time for a few different reasons.

But she could never stop climbing. Even if it was just slow crawling, she had to.

Her mind was clouded by her peeks of the world beyond, still and always like the most amazing of things to experience in this place.

Feeling the wind, the air, the grass, even some warmth. The night itself... Such common words and nouns that suddenly found a far greater world and intensity of meaning with the memory of experiencing them in these events.

The night itself was so much more than just a word, a definition, or the darkness they had to wander in.

It was that stunning moment, breath-taking to her, with air, stars, sky, wind, clouds, trees, smells and earth...

The world, a body, blood, feeling the temperatures and movements of the air, hearing a thousand sounds...

Just for a moment of bliss...

Night, even that simple word, it meant in reality far more and many things than everything they could experience down there.

And even her senses were different. You could see, hear, feel everything up there. It was intense, real...

Down there, the senses were there but infinitely duller and numb, without thrill nor frame.

When you looked at something up there, the world was surrounding it. Down there, all the context was blurred and bleak. You could only focus your hearing on one kind of sound at a time. Everything was slightly muffled and softer, every perception and sensation...

Above them, every sense and qualia was infinitely sharper and vivid. Every sensation... Living...

Mary-Esther was trembling and had to close her fist to calm her nervous hand.

She couldn’t let her dream go...

And now that she had a third wing, she was feeling one huge step closer to becoming a true human being...

She had more memories of her own, they structured more reliably, and she felt how her brain activity was more focused on this sense of being, than on the memories heard from her previous owners...

She was dreaming now even, truly dreaming.

When she slept it were no longer foreign memories twirling and shining, but her real, incoherent and random dreams...

Among them returned regularly painful dreams of what had happened with Blue last time she flown down...

But Esther also had many dreams that included hope and wishes for the outside world, with her own memories from her glimpses and her dream to finally be free.

She kept dreaming and wishing of living, and also of making-up with Blue one way or another.

Somethings through anger, proving her wrong or forcing her; but mostly through genuine apologies and kindness, making amends and begging for forgiveness.

Mary-Esther’s mood varied, and the dreams she had in her sleep reflected these shifts.

Since her third wing had settled along her back, her hair was curlier than before, and lighter in colour. It looked closer to blond than auburn now.

Esther wasn’t sure herself about why her appearance was changing that way.

She looked at herself in the mirror of her cabinet, not recognising Blue’s girlish face at all anymore.

Even though it was herself, for some reason looking at that reflected face with severe lines between far older ages, who was staring back coldly at her, Mary-Esther still felt that this woman was an unknown stranger to her.

She had aged at least fifteen years from how she used to look in the beginning, and she had a hard time accommodating with this change. If she felt that she had spent an eternity in this jail already, this was still nothing matching her changing look, leaving her puzzled at best...

Mary-Esther had dreams where she was looking very different.

In not so old memories even, she had been looking at a fair younger and cuter face in the mirrors.

There also were dreams with peeks at Blue’s house and its surroundings.

Dreams of the field, and the sun warming the air, blinding her nicely...

She was having more and more personal dreams to remember and think about. Rather than building up her expectations, she was building up now her own diary, of dreams with colourful emotions and expectations.

Mary-Esther discovered with Elise one day that despite neither her nor Blue being responsible for it, a new level had grown accessible in the colosseo.

They were puzzled, but would make use of it regardless. Either something else than them two could cause such changes, or there was something else that was occurring over time. They couldn’t say.

Later on that time, Esther began to move things once more.

She couldn’t keep her urge to do so forever. When she couldn’t hold her desire shut anymore, she opened her wings. Trying not to listen to the walls or the sounds they could permeate, she closed her eyes, and began moving things beyond herself.

It was a feeling she had a good experience with by now, and how to move these things beyond her body.

It had no physical shape around, but she could move that part that was her birthing self beyond, with growing ease.

She felt dizzy and drained nonetheless after reaching tis end. She recovered her balance and looked around to see the walls looking solid again. She had cleared the way up. A few seconds more and she could begin to see more peculiar shapes and lights passing by within her eyeballs.

And a few seconds later, she would feel like waking up, but alive and elsewhere in the real world.

The vision was about to start, as the gate above was temporarily slightly opened for her.

Mary-Esther let herself feel this again, toward the craving she ought to reach someday.

~