01

Unrequited love isn't as beautiful as it's made out to be. Some people can be happy even when the other person doesn't return their feelings, because knowing their own feelings for that person are undying is enough to satisfy them. But that's bullshit. I'd go so far as to say those people should reconsider their definition of love.

Holding love for someone who doesn't love you back is quite common, and quite painful, especially if the reason they don't love you is that they love someone else. Your head fills with confusion, anxiety, sadness, and anger. You doubt yourself, and your self-confidence and emotional availability drop. You start asking yourself self-deprecating questions like 'Why them and not me?', 'Am I not good enough?' 'What do they have that I don't?", among other things that only throw you further into despair. But some people don't experience unrequited love, because they're lucky. Those are the kinds of people who think that unrequited love is all romantic and beautiful and whatnot. They can't understand what it's really like, and so those people ask themselves 'What's so bad about it'?

I, for one, held an unrequited love. I loved my homeroom teacher. I loved her so much, that all my attention was given to her, and I paid no attention to everything else. Only she mattered in the end. I truly cared not about anything or anyone else, but just being in her presence was enough to make me happy to an extent where I could flawlessly pretend I passionately cared about anything to which I gave no fucks, should I choose to put on such a farce. Because of how much I loved her, I constantly experienced sadness and jealousy whenever she got along with other male staff, and even male classmates. I spent most of my time trying to get her to notice me.

'If only she would be with me.'

'Surely she's not taken... right?'

'Mr. Takaoka is being a little too friendly with her.'

'What do I need to do to get her to look at me?'

I thought such things to myself, and that was its own form of torture. When you're sad, someone might tell you 'Just don't think about the things making you sad', but that's easier said than done and they knew that when they told you. Truly, my one-sided love made me sad, angry, and confused. While I wouldn't resort to crime, I was willing to do anything to get her affection. Such is the nature of the unrequited love which I experienced.

But I have no right to advocate for others who hold an unrequited love. Unbeknownst to me, my love wasn't unrequited. My affection was returned, in an amount far greater than I could ever give. Through her, I learned a lot of things and had many new experiences. That's mainly because merely being acquainted with her plunged me headfirst into a world I didn't want to be a part of. Looking back, I probably shouldn't have been a part of it. And I'd be better off had I not found about about it.

I still consider that it might have been unavoidable, Ms. Kamiya in the picture or not.

Fate is a sadistic mistress, but life is tough, and people suffer on their own without her interference. Perhaps she was jealous of all the pain I wrought upon myself and punished me by throwing something 'good' my way.

The goodness of that is debatable, but on this topic, I've long since found my answer. Be careful what you wish for. It just might come true.