The Business Pitch

If you’ve never seen a mad scientist sniff alien spit like it’s fine wine, congratulations. You’ve lived a better life than me.

Dr. Lee Nover holding a tiny vial up to the light, swirling the precious droplet like he’s about to do a taste test.

“Mmm,” he murmured. “Rich texture. Notes of caramelized stardust.”

Billy leans over my shoulder. “Yo, what if he just licks it?”

Lee snapping his head toward us. “DO NOT TEMPT ME, And also there’s a lot of sugar substitute like (aspartame, monk fruit extract, saccharin,..etc.), What i’m trying to do here is to create an organic infinite sugar solution for the damn aliens so they can have it and leave our planet alone, and you three are ignorant dumb fu..”

Licker slams his fist on the table. “LEE! CAN IT FIX YOUR EXPLODING SUGAR?!”

Lee smiled like a lunatic. “ANYONE WANNA FIND OUT?.”

I take a five steps back immediately.

Lee pours the alien spit directly into his synthetic sugar formula.

For exactly three seconds, nothing happens.

Then, the entire lab lit up like a rave party.

BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.

A robotic voice echoing through the lab.

“WARNING. UNKNOWN CHEMICAL REACTION DETECTED.”

Billy is having the time of his life.

“BRO, THIS IS JUST LIKE THAT ONE TIME I MICROWAVED A FORK.”

I panic. “WHY WOULD YOU MICROWAVE A FORK?!”

“SCIENCE, BRO.”

Lee slammed a big red button on the table.

“ENGAGING CONTAINMENT MODE!”

Licker crossed his arms. “If this thing explodes, I’m whipping your a..”

Lee chuckles. “Relax, Licker! What’s the worst that could hap.. ”

BOOM.

The lab is full of smoke.

The visibility is low.

The robotic voice speaks again.

“WARNING. UNKNOWN LIFEFORM DETECTED.”

I nearly shit myself. “I’M SORRY.. WHAT?!”

Lee giggles like a psychopath. “OHHH BOY. WE MADE A LITTLE SOMETHIN’ EXTRA.”

Licker grabs his collar. “WHAT THE HELL DID YOU MAKE?!”

Lee slammed the release button.

The metal dome hissed open.

The smoke is disappearing.

And then we see it.

A tiny, wiggling, sugar-coated blob sits on the middle of the table.

Billy lost his mind. “Bro. Is that…a living gummy bear?”

The blob shivered.

Then it squeaked.

Then it opened its eyes.

“Mmm. Daddy.” it whispered.

I screamed.

The gummy creature jumps off the table and scuttle across the floor like a demon.

Lee claps his hands. “Boys. I think we just invented organic, self-replicating sugar.”

Billy grabbed my arm. “BRO. WE MADE A CANDY BABY.”

I was hyperventilating. “KILL IT. BURN IT. SEND IT TO HELL.”

The gummy creature waddles over to Billy and hugs his leg.

“Dada.”

Billy immediately starts crying. “BRO. I’M A FATHER.”

Licker grabs a flamethrower. “NUKE IT.”

“WAIT!” Lee yells. “If it’s alive, that means it can reproduce sugar! This could be the answer to our lollipop crisis!”

I blinked. “Wait. So you’re telling me…we ACTUALLY made infinite sugar?”

Lee smiles. “That’s exactly what I’m telling you.”

Billy picked up the little gummy creature. “BRO. THIS BABY SAVED THE WORLD.”

The gummy thing is squeaking happily.

I cross my arms. “Hold up. We don’t even know if this thing is safe.”

As if on cue, the robot voice speaks again.

“WARNING. RAPID REPRODUCTION DETECTED.”

I slowly turn my head.

The single gummy creature is now ten gummy creatures.

Billy gasp. “OH SHIT, THEY MULTIPLY.”

Licker smiles. “WELL, AIN’T THAT JUST PERFECT.”

Lee smiled. “Boys. We just built the future of sugar.”

I sighed. “I hope this go well.”

Now, we have to pitch this to the aliens.

But considering the last time we met them, I barely escaped with my dignity intact, I have a very, very bad feeling about it.

Billy patted me on the back. “BRO, RELAX. WE’RE ABOUT TO GO FULL SHARK TANK ON THESE ALIENS.”

I groaned. “This is going to be a disaster.”

**********

And I was absolutely right.

If there’s one thing I never thought I’d do in my lifetime, it’s pitching a business deal to intergalactic sugar addicts.

And yes, here I am.

Standing in the Alien Embassy boardroom, wearing an ill-fitting suit, next to Billy (who refused to wear pants) and Licker (who looks like he’s ready to commit war crimes).

Oh, and let’s not forget about Lee Nover, who is currently holding our mutant gummy babylike it’s the Second Coming of Christ.

This is going to go so badly.

Here we go..

The lead alien, Ambassador Glorp, adjusting his tiny golden eyeglasses and folding his slimy green fingers together.

“You have exactly three minutes to convince us. If we don’t like it, we will vaporize you.”

Billy nodded. “TIGHT.”

I hissed, “Billy, PLEASE.”

Licker slams a USB into the conference room projector. “ALRIGHT, YA BUNCH OF SPACE MOSQUITOS. PAY ATTENTION.”

The screen lit up with the worst PowerPoint I have ever seen in my life.

Slide One: “SUGAR IS DEAD.”

The aliens gasps dramatically.

Ambassador Glorp wiped a tear. “We know. It haunts us.”

Licker clicks to Slide Two.

It is just a badly photoshopped image of me giving a thumbs-up next to a pile of lollipops.

Licker points at it. “THAT’S WHERE WE COME IN.”

I want to die.

Lee gently place the gummy baby on the table.

It wobbled. Then it blinked its horrifying little candy eyes and squeaked, “Daddy?”

Ambassador Glorp recoiled. “By the Sugary Stars.. WHAT IS THAT?!”

Billy beams. “Broski. That? That’s INFINITE SUGAR.”

The room went silent.

Then, a bald alien in a business suit adjusting his tie.

“Explain.”

Lee smiled like a lunatic.

“This little guy is bio-organic self-replicating sugar! It grows on its own! It’s sustainable! It tastes like a goddamn dream!”

Billy shoved a gummy into his mouth and made an absolutely demonic moaning noise.

“BRO. IT’S SO GOOD. I’M ABOUT TO CRY.”

I stepped forward, trying to salvage this train wreck of a pitch.

“Listen. This means you don’t need Earth’s sugar anymore. You get infinite candy. And, best part?”

I smile.

“No more blowing up our planet.”

The aliens all murmured amongst themselves.

Ambassador Glorp leans forward. “So you are telling me…we can have unlimited lollipops…forever?”

I nodded. “Exactly.”

Ambassador Glorp crossed his fingers. “And…what’s the catch?”

Billy scratching his head. “Uhhh, well. They do multiply really fast.”

Licker nodded. “IF YA DON’T CONTROL ‘EM, THEY’LL SWARM YOUR ENTIRE PLANET.”

Ambassador Glorp stands up. “We will need a demonstration.”

Billy clapping his hands. “OH HELL YEAH, BOYS.. FEED THE ALIENS!”

Within seconds, we were hurling gummies at the aliens like a goddamn feeding frenzy.

The aliens devoured them like wild animals.

Slurping. Chomping. One guy just shoved an entire handful into his mouth and ascended into another planet of existence.

One alien started crying.

Ambassador Glorp chewed slowly, his six eyes twitching.

Then he stood.

“Gentlemen. We have a deal.”

Billy fist-pumped. “LET’S GOOOO!”

I sighed. “Holy shit. We actually did it.”

Ambassador Glorp clapping his hands. “We shall purchase the rights to this ‘Infinite Sugar’ in exchange for…one trillion space credits.”

Lee does the worst celebration dance I have ever seen. “I’M GONNA BE STUPID RICH.”

Licker spits on the table. “MAKE IT TWO TRILLION.”

The aliens gasp. “TWO TRILLION?!”

Licker making eye contact with the aliens. “Y’ALL ARE THE ONES WHO WERE GONNA NUKE US OVER LOLLIPOPS. PAY UP.”

Ambassador Glorp squints. “…Deal.”

Within twenty-four hours, the deal is finalized.

The aliens canceled the Earth explosion.

We are filthy rich.

And Licker is last seen speeding through Las Vegas in a gold-plated car, throwing money out the window.

Billy is already buying a yacht.

Lee is planning to retire.

And me?

I just stood there.

Watching everything go back to normal.

For the first time this year i have a genuine smile on my face.

I hope nothing like this will ever happen again.