The Heist

If Louisiana was a sweaty fever dream filled with gator fights and swamp syrup, then Nevada is just straight-up acid trip.

For starters, it is hot as hell. Like, “I think my soul is melting” hot. Billy tried frying an egg on a rock. It worked. Then he tried eating it. That part didn’t work.

“BRO, WHY DOES THIS TASTE LIKE DIRT?” he said.

I sighed. “Because you just cooked it on a rock, Billy.”

“Ah, true.”

Licker ignored us. He was too busy leading us to a top-secret bunker in the middle of the desert.

Now, when I say “top-secret,” I mean it literally had a neon sign that said: “TOP-SECRET SUGAR SCIENCE BUNKER” right above the door.

Squinting my eyes as i say. “You sure this place is secret?”

Licker snort. “PFFT. OF COURSE! IT’S A REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY, HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF IT?! pfft. you didn’t even knew until i pointed it out for ya.”

Before I could argue, the bunker door slammed open.

And stepped out a mad scientist with a mullet.

“WELL, WELL, WELL, LOOK WHAT THE SUGAR DRAGGED IN.”

Billy immediately whisperers, “Yo, why does he look like he sells illegal fireworks at the gas stations?”

The scientist flipped his mullet. “I HEARD THAT.”

Licker smiled. “Boys, meet my archnemesis.. Dr. Lee Nover.”

Licker stepped forward towards Lee. “Listen here bastard, I need your synthetic sugar formula. The world’s about to end.”

Lee smiled. “Oh, I KNOW, Licker. And lucky for you idiots, I did invent synthetic sugar. But there’s just one tiny little problem.”

I sighed. “There’s always a problem.”

Lee pulled out a clipboard. “Turns out, the sugar substitute has a minor side effect.”

I crossed my arms. “Lemme guess. It kills people.”

“WHAT? No. That would be crazy. My formula just…uh…makes people explode.” Lee said

Billy’s is shock.

“BRO. WHAT.”

Licker with an angry expression. “Lee. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS SWEET.. ”

Lee raised his hands. “Look, it’s not that bad. They don’t feel pain! They just turn into human fireworks for like, three seconds, and then..!”

Licker is fuming. “Lee, YOU HAD ONE JOB.”

Lee crossed his arms. “Hey! I don’t see you inventing sugar alternatives, professor!”

I sighed and rubbed my face. “Okay. Is there a way to fix it? Make it…not to explode people, or aliens so they don’t get mad and blow our planet, we just need to have the sugar alternative fast, the clock is ticking?”

Lee rubbing his chin. “Hmm. Maybe. But I’d need one key ingredient to stabilize it or research that…”

We all leaned in.

“…Alien spit.”

I immediately started walking away. “Nope. I’m out.”

Billy grabbed my shoulders. “NAH, BRO, WE’RE DOING THIS.”

I sighed so hard my soul nearly left my body. “Let me guess. Next stop?”

Licker smiled.

“We’re stealing an alien’s saliva, boys.”

I just want to take a second to remind everyone that the world is ending.

We have less than a year before the aliens run out of lollipops and blow us all to hell.

And somehow, instead of finding a real sugar replacement, I was standing outside the Alien Embassy, about to commit intergalactic crimes.

Billy’s eyes sparkling.

“DUDE. WE’RE ABOUT TO DO A SPIT HEIST.”

I groan. “Billy, please. Do not call it that.”

The next day..

We arrived at the Alien embassy.

Licker smacked a blueprint on the hood of our stolen golf cart. “LISTEN UP, BOYS. HERE’S THE PLAN.. ”

I hold up my hand. “Wait. Hold up. Why do aliens have an embassy?”

Licker blinked. “Because they’re polite, duh.”

Billy nodded. “Yeah, bro. You ever see them actually kill someone? Nah. They just vibe and eat candy.”

I sighed. “Okay. Continue.”

Licker pointed at the badly drawn blueprint. “The Alien Embassy is a no-violence zone. No fighting. No weapons. Just diplomatic lollipop discussions.”

Billy smiled. “SICK.”

Licker continues, “Now, inside, there’s a VIP section where the richest aliens hang out and sip on premium lollipop juice.”

I squint. “And you want us to…?”

Licker smiles. “Steal a droplet of spit from one of them.”

Billy pumped his fist. “SPIT HEIST, BABY!”

I buried my face in my hands.

After 1 hour of planning. We enter the embassy.

Billy and I walking through the front doors wearing matching suits and fake mustaches.

The alien receptionist doesn’t even blink.

“Welcome to the Alien Embassy, gentlemen,” she said in a weirdly smooth voice. “Business or pleasure?”

Billy slapping the counter. “Both.”

I smacked him. “Ignore him. We’re sugar investors.”

The receptionist nodded. “Ah. You’re here for the Lollipop Liquor Tasting Event.”

Billy’s eyes lit up. “THE WHAT NOW?!”

She handed us two golden passes. “Enjoy the samples. Try not to drool on the floor.”

I grabbed the tickets and dragged Billy inside before he could ask more questions.

And it’s absolute madness inside.

Aliens in fancy suits and monocles, swirling their drinks, And they are sipping melted lollipop juice from martini glasses.

One alien sniffing his glass. “Mmm. 1998 Blue Raspberry. A fine vintage.”

Another alien swirling his drink. “Too much high fructose corn syrup. The aftertaste lacks depth.”

Billy is vibrating with excitement. “BRO. THIS IS LOLLIPOP HEAVEN.”

I elbowed him. “Focus, idiot. We need spit.”

Licker’s voice comes through our hidden earpieces.

“TARGET SPOTTED.”

I’m following his instructions the it led me to the fanciest alien in the room.

He is tall, green, and wearing a fancy bathrobe.

And he is sipping the rarest, most expensive lollipop juice ever.

Billy excited. “Bro. He’s drinking…THE SECRET FLAVOR.”

I frowned. “The what?”

Billy grabing my shoulders. “Dude. Every lollipop brand has a ‘mystery flavor.’ That’s what he’s drinking.”

I blink. “So?”

Billy shaking me. “SO, IT MEANS HE HAVE THE BEST SPIT.”

I took a deep breath. “Alright. Time to get his spit.”

I’m walking up to the fancy bathrobe alien and clearing my throat. “Uh, hey, man. Cool robe.”

This is Going to be The Most Awkward Conversation i Will Ever Have in My Life

He is turning slowly and blinking at me with six eyes.

“Do I know you?” he asked in a weirdly posh British accent.

I panicked.

“UHHH YEAH BRO, REMEMBER ME FROM SPACE COLLEGE? CRAZY TIMES.”

Billy nodding aggressively. “YUP. DUDE WAS A LEGEND.”

The alien squinting. “I don’t recall…”

I doubled down. “Dude. You don’t remember ‘SPACETOPIA 3000?’ Wildest party ever?”

The alien gasp. “AH, YES.”

Billy slapped my back. “TOLD YA, BRO.”

The alien chuckled. “I blacked out so hard, I woke up on Jupiter. Good times.”

I forced a laugh. “Hahaha. Yeah. Anyway, my dude.. can I have a sip of your drink?”

Billy kicked me under the table.

The alien froze.

The whole room went silent.

Every alien is staring at me like I have just insulted their entire species.

I gulped. “Uh. Too forward?”

The fancy bathrobe alien stands up.

He stares into my soul.

Then he take a slow sip.

And then, in the most dramatic way possible…

He drool a single drop onto the table.

Billy gasped.

Licker screaming in my earpiece. “COLLECT IT, YOU IDIOT!”

I lunge for the droplet like my life depended on it. Wait.. Well.. My life IS ACTUALLY DEPENDENT ON IT.

And just like that..

We have alien spit.

Now, it’s time for the escaping part..

Billy and I speed-walking out of here like we have just robbed a bank.

Licker is waiting outside with the golf cart running.

“DID YA GET IT?!” he yells.

Billy smiles. “We got that premium-grade alien drool, baby!”

Licker whooped. “GOOD SHIT BOOOYS! NEXT STOP.. BACK TO LEE!”

I sighed in relief.

Finally. We are making a progress.