513. Doubts and Philosophy, 3

(Rose)

Nightmare doesn’t really sleep per se. So she doesn’t really dream either.

Actually, I don’t either since I lost my body. But I remember what dreaming and day dreaming feel like.

R - I guess you need a body with an autonomous nervous system before it’s physically possible to dream.

N - I like the idea of having a chaotic uncontrolled subconscious allowed to create memories and ideas.

R - It could help you invent new shapes of bird to create even. N - I like that prospect. I’ve got a memory of wondering what could be a new challenge following Snake’s success.

R - I remember you considered Yaelun a failure. Yaelun was already pretty big though. Why create such enormous animals like Snake?

N - Because that was amusing on innumerable levels. It was really fun.

R - What kind of challenges?

N - It’s biology. It’s mechanics and chemistry. Building a self-sustainable machine that doesn’t collapse under its own weight and functions well despite its size. That’s an oversimplified summary of all the challenges to face. I kept it light and strong, and able to live on for a few years at least. A work of art you would say as a human. A good fun I would say as a god.

R - Right... I actually saw a longer and bigger snake kind though before.

N - Oh? Where?

R - England. It was heading West. It was a long time ago though.

N - I wonder if it was born by itself or if it was created by another one like me.

Good question, but we will never know. The world is too wide.

But being able to dream someday will maybe help her find new metabolic pathways even.

~

I wish I had studied Philosophy a lot more. Because on many occasions, I had to rely on intuition and instinct, instead of a moral reflection and meaningful thinking.

And it leaves lingering bitterness inside of me. Guilts to live with.

Judging the rights to live and die of other beings is taking a toll on me.

Magenta was only the last, and biggest matter of my moral dilemmas.

And difficulties coping with the aftermath of my choices and their consequences.

Like a broken record, my mind regularly asks Nightmare about her opinion on the matter. My brain is a little stuck and I lack the knowledge to know how to free it.

That’s the main underlying reason why I feel that miss, my lack of knowledge.

The other one, I’ve been through before as well, but now I see on my friend as well.

It’s not about morality but identity.

What makes us ourselves? In this changing reality, it feels tricky.

Consciousness is important. Awareness. And memories to ensure its continuity.

I am Rose, because I have her memories.

And beyond that, I’ve built myself as Rose Blume over the continuity of my existences as roses and blumen.

Though I’ve lost more of my past this time, it’s still me.

Nightmare as well. But she has lost her memories of her previous human life entirely it seems. So she’s not her, that forgotten human is not her, and Nightmare is not quite the continuation of whoever that human once was.

It’s more like food fuelling yourself there I guess.

I am one of the two main continuations of Rose M. Herson in 1925.

And I am Rose Blume following the year 3 of the new era we live in now.

I did begin as someone else.

But in a different context, ‘’I’’ evolved into a different identity.

Much different to what the original was at the same age I bet.

Although I’m rather at peace with who I am now. It’s been ten years.

I’m more concerned or curious about my friend now.

First because I’m always curious about beings like her. Second because she’s my friend and she’s looking for something I can tell.

The fact that dreams are a purely theoretical thing to her bugs her and her self-awareness.

Even birds sleep.

R - How did you make their brains work then?

N - Having the power to do or create something doesn’t imply I know all there is to know about it.

Memories of Blume saying similar things echoes in my virtual head.

She has a strong personality for herself this Nightmare, unlike Blume back then.

She doesn’t need to reconnect with her lost human past to feel whole.

R - You don’t need to dream I guess, to be yourself.

N - I want to dream because it sounds fun, not because I feel a hole of some sort.

R - You’re right. I’m just... Daydreaming about the concept of identity.

We grin to each other.

~

Clunk. I feel myself tripping again over my guilt.

R - Was I right to stop Magenta?

N - ... You risked everything for safeguarding all the lifeforms around its growing domain. You felt a righteous moral duty to step in and try to stop it. Magenta was a threat on everything alive in time. Yes, you were right.

R - Because of my choices, we and more have died...

N - The costs were nothing compared to the lives you saved. Well, that all of us saved.

R - Aren’t you blaming me for your unexpected sacrifice?

N - No.

I’m a little stunned.

N - I don’t think you should ask that same question to your human friend though.
R - That would be... insensitive. Myls would kill me for what I’ve done.

But that’s how humans can feel... Her pain, I can barely imagine.

R - For her, I’m not sure the moral gains of defeating Magenta outweighs the cost of losing our dear Zeslinry.

N - Magenta was a greater threat. The small war you started, it costed a few more lives, and saved billions. Most are plants and small beings like me though. So that was quite virtuous on an egalitarian perspective.

R - What did you say?

N - You have strong egalitarian values. Your choice to try and stop Magenta had in the end a heavy moral cost, but greater benefits to the world that justified it truly.

I’m a little stunned. Is she talking about consequentialism?

R - You know philosophy?

N - I’m developing a small taste for it since the time I met Bleue. I have a really bad preconception of humans, with an instinct to hate and avoid them. Or to eat them. But when I had the chance to play with their moral values... I can’t deny I enjoyed it.

R -You still see yourself as a god, above humans, but you’re opening yourself toward respecting them? In a devilish and playful manner perhaps, but still?

N - You forced me to review that opinion of myself against humans when we met.

R -You still feel bad about that time, but is it gratefulness I detect in that corner of your thought?

N - Maybe... Your egalitarian ideals might have begun staining my soul back then...

R - That... might be the cutest compliment I’ve ever received.

~