All For My Pride... (Katerina)

My best friend Adella and I were sitting on the stairs outside during lunchtime. She was really curious about what Soren and I had been up to.

“How are things going with him? Did you guys do anything together?” she asked.

I grinned in response. She became even more curious.
“What? What’d you guys do?”

“Oh, nothing,” I said. “We just hang out sometimes. We got ice cream the other day.”

“...That’s it?”

She looked disappointed. I thought she would’ve been happy for me.

“What do you mean? Isn’t that good?” I asked.

“Kat, have you even kissed him yet?”

I was so shocked. Had I kissed him? We’d just started dating! I barely even knew him yet.

Should I lie to her?

It took me a few seconds to think of how to answer, and in that time, Della caught on to what I was thinking.

“You really haven’t?” she asked. “You guys have held hands though, right?”

I smirked. “Of course.”

“Well, that’s probably good enough. Does Soren look happy when he’s with you?”

“Yeah. He’s always smiling when he’s with me. Why do you ask?”

“I’m just worried. My best friend is finally in a relationship. I want the best for it.”

She was being nice, but I thought it was time for her to focus on a relationship of her own. That’s what it felt like she needed after asking me so many questions about mine.

“Della, have you ever been in a relationship before?”

She was silent for a moment.

“No…but I feel like I’d know what to do if I was in one.”

I placed my hand on her shoulder. “It might be time for you to get a boyfriend.”

She made a confused expression. “Huh? Where is this coming from?”

“It sounds like you want one. Don’t you want to go out with Midas?”

“Midas? What does he have to do with this?”

It was so obvious that she had feelings for him. She was good at hiding them, but I talked with her more than anybody else and could see through her cover-ups. Even though she tried to act like she just wanted to be friends with him and nothing more, I knew that deep down, she was in love.

“You’re acting all innocent again. Why won’t you be honest with me? I always tell you the truth, so why don’t you do the same?”

“This again? Kat, I don’t have feelings for Midas, and I don’t want a boyfriend right now. Is everything okay? You’re being a little…assertive.”

I wondered if she really didn’t know it herself.

“I know this isn’t like me, but I just want the best for you. You’re lying to yourself, Della.”

“Would you stop it? Just because I was curious about your relationship doesn’t mean I want to be in one.”

It was starting to make me a little frustrated. Why didn’t she just own up to her feelings? Why did she always have to convince herself that the truth was false?

We’d been friends since the start of middle school. I was sure that I knew her better than anyone else. When something good happened, I would tell her, and when something bad happened, I would also tell her. She would do the same. At least, that’s what it seemed like. I told her my deepest, darkest secrets and she would tell me hers. I hope that they were actually her deepest, darkest secrets and not complete lies. I hope that she actually was able to confide in me in the same way that I confided in her. I hope that she understood how much I trusted her.

But I don’t think she did.

It had been years. It had been years, and it still felt like I didn’t know the true Adella.

I never, ever tried to bring this up to her because I knew she’d just call me crazy. Even so, there were times when I realized how little she actually trusted me. Like when she refused to tell me how she got a black eye three years ago, or when she would keep changing the subject when I asked her how she lost her favorite bracelet. That’s not even the worst of it! She was even reluctant to tell me her birthday! She once bragged about her new shoes, but wouldn’t even tell me where she got them or how much they cost! I once told her my mother’s name, but she wouldn’t tell me hers! She once got her history test back, but wouldn’t even show me her grade! Adella wouldn’t even tell me what perfume she used!

Was I just not good enough for her? Why wouldn’t she tell me?

I ask myself questions like these thinking I’ll get some sort of answer.

I really, truly wish I could answer them.

Well, at the very least, I eventually found out what her birthday was.

I should get her a present, was my first thought. I was happy that our friendship was being developed. It was a stepping stone to an even greater bond. We were that much closer to being completely vulnerable with each other.

That’s what I was hoping for. I was wrong.

To this day, I still don’t know.

I don’t know how she got a black eye three years ago. I don’t know how she lost her favorite bracelet. I don’t know where she got her new shoes or how much they cost! I don’t know her mother’s name! I don’t know the grade she got on that history test all those years ago, and I don’t know what perfume she uses!

I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know!

I don’t know anything about her, and she knows everything about me!

I knew her better than anyone else? Where did that even come from!?

Friends are supposed to feel safe around each other. They’re supposed to be people you can trust. And yet, Adella didn’t see me as one of those people. It was a painfully clear truth that I constantly covered up to protect and preserve the flimsy little bond we had.

We’d been sitting there quietly ever since she asked me to stop. What was going through my head were just thoughts and nothing more. If I wanted to, I could’ve thrown away my current feelings and frustrations and continued on with our flimsy little bond.

No. That wasn’t me anymore.

I had confidence now. I could stand up to people. I didn’t have to be a shy pushover. I realized that I was allowed to want things for myself. I was allowed to feel proud of myself!

This was the moment where I would finally speak up.

“Adella,” I said, getting her attention.

She turned her head towards me. “Hmm?”

“You don’t trust me, do you?”

She looked confused. “What? I do. You’re literally my closest friend.”

I knew she would say that. It felt like every word that came out of her mouth was a lie now.

“You’ve always kept things from me. You never believe what I tell you. I always tried to ignore it, but it’s gotten too out of hand. I don't want to be friends with someone like that.”

“Kat, you’re not making any sense. I listen to everything you say, and I practically tell you everything that happens in my life. Is everything okay?”

I sighed. “We’re not going to get anywhere if you keep denying what I’m saying, even though it’s the truth.”

“What’s gotten into you? Are you mad because I was asking questions about you and Soren?”

I wasn’t mad. I wasn’t, but now she was starting to make me mad. It was because we had moved on from that topic, but she decided to bring it up again anyway in order to dodge my confrontation.

“No, I literally just want you to admit it! Admit that you don’t trust me!”

Adella gritted her teeth and stood up in frustration. “But I do trust you! Do you want me to lie or something?!”

I stood up as well. “At least think about it! I want you to realize that it’s the truth! You’re so involved in other people’s business that you never take time to focus on yourself!”

“What? All I did was ask a few harmless questions, and now you’re saying this? You’re acting so weird today!”

She was extremely stubborn. I just wanted her to understand, and yet she refused to. It had become so exasperating.

“They weren’t harmless. You were being nosy and condescending.”

“No I wasn’t! I just wanted to know how things were going!” She paused and balled up her fists, almost like she was about to say something that she didn’t want to. “I mean, you’re not even sitting with your boyfriend at lunch! You’re still sitting with me for some reason! Shouldn’t that be enough to make you worried?!”

There was a pause. She didn’t know anything at all. Soren let me sit with her because he didn’t want to interfere with our friendship. He was only being considerate.

“I hate it,” I began. “I hate how you’re always jumping to conclusions and acting like you know everything about me. You’re always trying to make me feel inferior to you. I don’t think that’s how normal friendships work, and honestly, I’m tired of it!”

Adella looked a little concerned. “Katerina, listen—”

Before she could finish speaking, I turned around and started to walk away.

“What happens between Soren and I is none of your business. I’m going inside now.”

Those were my final words to her. They were the ones that signaled the end of our conversation, as well as the end of our friendship.

To be honest, I couldn’t tell if I’d made a mistake or gone too far. Maybe I wasn’t in the right mindset that day and would later regret what I said to her. But there was one thing I knew for certain about what I did. It was a fact that eased all of my doubts and worries—a detail that mattered to me more than anything else.

It was that I took pride in it.

What I did that day…was something I was proud of.