If I Can Just Fool Myself... (Katerina)

There are times when I abruptly stop what I’m doing and just stare out of the window by my desk. If I’m studying or doing homework, I completely lose my train of thought.

I think to myself that I’m actually alive.

I’m living.

But I don’t think too much about it, because to be honest, I’ve never really been much of a thinker to begin with. It’s just the feeling that I get…it’s like I’m actually cherishing the time I have here on this Earth. It makes me feel like I’m worth something.

Then I get a reminder that, some day, it’ll all come to an end. I will die.

It scares me. I don’t want to die.

It might not be logical to think like this. Death might not even be a bad thing. And life might not even be a good thing. It’s just something that passes. Like a currency that you use up without even realizing it.

As I currently write this, I am using up my life. There’s nothing I can do about it. It evaporates with every passing second.

That means there’s no point in thinking about it. I’m just proud that I was able to write something impressive for once.

I believe that what I really want is to be proud of myself. I want to do things that can make me feel like I have value. It’ll give me satisfaction and happiness. If I can do those things, I’ll be grateful and cherish what I have. Then I won’t feel so bad about using up my life. It’ll be the same as when I stop and look out of the window, realizing that I’m alive. That same feeling. Facing death won’t be so bad if I have it.

To be proud of myself…

I think that’s good enough. That should be a fine goal.

***

It had been a few days since Soren and I decided to get together. What happened in the library that day was like a scene out of a romcom, and it took me a while to even process it. When I walked into the library, I had no confidence at all. I would’ve been happy if I even made a little progress, but the fact that I was able to start going out with him so quickly made me so excited that I couldn’t even sleep for a while.

We’d started doing small things like talking in the hallways and walking together after school. The most intimacy there would be was a slight touch or pat that he would give me. I thought it was normal for relationships to start out like this. I’d never been in one before so I didn’t know any better.

When we were walking home from school on this day, he asked me something that was a little different. I thought he felt the same way that I did, that he wanted to help us get closer.

“Do you want to get ice cream?”

We hadn’t ever gone to a place besides school together. It would be fun.

“Sure. I love ice cream,” I responded.

He smiled. “Yeah, who doesn’t?”

We walked, and it had become silent. I didn’t mind. It felt peaceful to just be beside him.

“Neither of us really like to talk, huh?” he jokingly asked.

“Sorry, do you want me to talk more?” I said.

“No, it’s fine.” He looked over at me. “It’s relaxing to just walk with you.”

Wow. He didn’t speak much, but he always knew what to say when he did. I couldn’t hold back my smile, and it felt like I was actually falling in love with him. He wasn’t my crush anymore. This was real. He was now my boyfriend. We could be as close as we wanted.

“Soren…wanna hold hands?” I asked.

He gave me a warm grin and held out his hand. I gently took it in mine and we continued to walk. I know that people saw me as a shy, docile girl, but I didn’t even care anymore. I was content from just holding his hand, and I felt proud of myself for being the one to ask him. I don’t know why this would ever be a bad thing.

We made it to an ice cream shop and picked out what we wanted. Soren was so nice that he even paid for mine. We then sat down outside on one of the benches lined up beside the main path.

“I would always come here as a kid. Their ice cream is really great,” he said.

I gave it a try and was surprised. “It’s so good!”

“What’d I say?”

We went quiet again, and minutes of silence passed. There was a more serious topic that I wanted to talk about with him, but I didn’t know if it was the right time to bring it up. I decided that it would be better to do it now rather than later, though.

“...Soren, are you sure you have time for a relationship?”

I hoped that the way I said it wasn’t too sudden.

“What do you mean?” He looked confused.

“I heard that you study a lot because you’re the top student. Won’t it be—”

“It’s melting.”

Melted ice cream had started to drip down my hand. I hadn’t realized until he pointed it out. Soren brought the hand closer to him and sort of observed it. I thought he was going to get a napkin and wipe it clean. But instead, he stuck out his tongue and began to lick the melted ice cream off my hand. I shrieked and jolted up. His tongue was cold and the sight of him licking me was extremely startling.

“W-What are you doing?”

He looked up at me and smiled. “I wanted to try yours. It’s good.”

“You could’ve just asked…”

My heart was beating so fast. I was supposed to be weirded out, and yet it was the opposite.

If anyone else did this, would I feel the same way?

“Oh, what were you saying about me being the top student?”

I quickly collected myself. “I was just thinking that it might be hard for you to manage a relationship and your grades at the same time.”

Soren nodded in disagreement. “I do a lot of studying, but it’s not like I have so little time that I can’t even hang out with my girlfriend,” he responded, patting me on the head. “You take priority over my grades now anyway. If I ever have to choose between the two, I’ll choose you.”

I grinned. “That makes me happy. I just hope you don’t end up losing your top spot because of me.”

“That won’t happen. Being the best is surprisingly easy.”

I lowered my head onto his shoulder. “You’re the only one who can say that.”

It was almost too good to be true. I didn’t know I could be this happy. Right now, the only thing I wanted was to get closer to him. Nothing more. I didn’t feel the urge to stop wasting my life or be more productive. I was proud enough to just be by his side and satisfied enough to make my only goal to further our relationship.

Even if it all ended up being a lie, I didn’t think it would be so bad. If it was a dream, I’d at least enjoy the time I spent in it. After all, is there really such a thing as “fake happiness”? You felt it yourself, so how could you call it fake?

Unlike a lot of other people, I’m not a stubborn person. No matter what it is, I’m fine with acknowledging what gives me fulfillment and satisfaction. It’s the same as facing the truth and accepting it.

That’s why, if I can just fool myself, I think I’ll be able to cherish this fantasy.