Ch-10: Goats, Bots and Monkeys

“In my heart~”

Sexta indeed has a wonderfully melodious voice.

“Resides a fleeting world of bliss~”

And equally beautiful are Nine’s lyrics.

“A beacon in this dark abyss~”

Octo's viola skills are exquisite.

“Kindled for Death's final kiss~”

Now for the final crescendo-

Death: “Boo-bua!”

Oh no dear, she wasn't talking about you - I mean she was - but not directly.

Death: “Boh.”

“O my heart~”

Now for the fun part! The crowd seems really excited - bene, can't blame them. It's Sexta's latest hit single after all.

“So now, take the trombone to the top and flip it, flunk it till it flops-”

I forgot how awesome Quintus is at the trombone.

“Keep chirping like a chipmunk, flirting, flipping with fun funk!”

Look at that Fretwurt bot leaping into the sky and singing along!

Death: “Biyah! Fun!”

Ita, the beat is trippy and funky - ain't it?

Death: “Byah! Bwuch fun! Hihihi!”

Ita, isn't it fun?

Death: “Bwelly fun!”

“Clap and jump and rap and pump, dab and dump and drag and hump!”

Ah, Duo - you're finally here! Let me make a chair for tu.

*Swoop*

Here, have a seat!

Two: Grazie, padre. Now, what exactly did you call me here for?

“For life is but -”

Oh, just to have a chat and enjoy this concert with you.

Death: Byah! Two!

Two: Oh hey there, Death - honestly, it's so weird to call this baby girl Death. Anyway - ah, padre, Io know you well enough to know that you want something more than just enjoying.

“But… What is life?”

Nah, I just want to relax, it's been a hectic month - fixing up all these casualties from the 5D invasion, resurrecting the dead, adding more galaxies into the League of Life, creating habitable planets for everyone to live in, cooperating with the Halcyon Council - to be honest, I am tired. I am only human, after all.

“Is life but a wait for death…?”

Death: Byah? Me?

Nah, not directly.

Death: Boh.

Two: Bene, padre - as you say, I will believe you. Although I am sure doing all of that took you barely a second - knowing you. By the way, where’s Nine? He is supposed to be in the VIP area.

Ah, Nine is probably backstage making sure that Sexta's concert goes smoothly.

“Is life but a thread of fate…?”

Talking about musica - a couple of days ago, I was bored -

Two: When are you not bored, padre?

“Is life but a list of dates…?”

When I'm with Nine.

Two: Oh?

Wait, I will continue after this crescendo.

“Is life but a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing?”

I love how Nine dramatically builds up the intensity of the beat and then releases it like a tornado. Anyway-

As I was saying, I was bored - so I went to the author’s universe to create a manga about a reincarnated Chinese general. And then went 3 years into the future to animate the opening of its anime adaptation that could sync with any piece of music in all of existence. The author and his friend T will call it the Omnipotent Opening in 5 years in some timelines.

Two: Why are you looking into the distance and monologuing? What author are you talking about? Who is T? And-

Sile, Duo! I am breaking the fourth wall here!

Death: Byai! Byaat up!

Two: Um… okay, Io guess?

“O! O my heart! Such agony!”

Ah damn it, it was stupid of me to start the narration in the middle of a concert anyway. Expecta, let me stop time real quick and continue setting the plot for this arc. Oof, what does Sherlock want now? Let me just cease reality - I need to do this quickly and get on moving.

Hey, Merlin, can you explain the plot for me?

*Swoop* *Merlin appears*

Merlin: Nah

Hey, c'mon, amice! Just one last time. Author! Please make him narrate again, narration is boring!

Merlin: At least do one thing yourself, friende.

*Merlin hits a long wooden stick on the ground and disappears with a swoop*

Oof. Alright, fine. Let me let existence resume being. *Snaps fingers*

Two: Padre, it seems we have a guest.

*Swoop*

Sherlock: President Salai, I was inquiring about you in the League of Life HQ, sir - They told me to venture here to Welima'q -

It means “it smells good”.

“My world languishes even in eternal ecstasy…”

Sherlock: I beg your pardon? And is that Death?

Death (laughing): Bwerlock! Bwello!

Welima’q means “it smells good” - I named this planet because I was baking a really aromatic cake while I terraformed it.

Sherlock: Uh, sir - I beg your pardon, sir, but may I know perchance how that is of any relevance?

Uh, ego cogito that that would be a good ice breaker.

“My heart bleeds even in-”

Some Feline Alien: MEOW~

Sherlock: It would seem that starting a conversation is an entirely different concept to me.

*A humongous cat-like alien comes roaring from the horizon with loud noises, as if a lion purring*

Feline Alien: MEOW~ MEOW~~

Death (laughing louder, imitating the Leofelian): Bweoh! Bweoh!

Two: That big monster of a cat is disrupting the concert, padre, we should do something-

Ah, don’t worry, filii mei, Lex Simul can handle these little threats.

If you are confused, my dear readers-

Sherlock: May I inquire who you are talking to - sir?

Sherlock - shut up! I am explaining here!

*Noises of people running away, boxes crashing, chairs and paraphernalia cracking and being smashed*

Two: Yeah, Io guess, I sense no Field Signature from this skyscraper-sized lion-cat. Instant Karma will be enough to deal with it.

For those of you confused, the Lex Simul system, also known as Universal Instant Karma or just Instant Karma is a phenomenon in every galaxy of the League of Life that occurs instantaneously after any non-Field Wielder does, or thinks of, a bad deed. Causality itself is weaponised to bring out the inner good in populo and-

Two: For an example of how it works, just check this out!

Wow, Duo! Great job! You are learning!

Feline Alien: MEOW - Meow? - MEOWWWWWWW - *Sad purrs*

Death (imitating the big cat): Bwurrrrrrr~~

As you can see - the large alien from planet Leofelis - with the face of a tabby, mane of a lion, tail of a tiger, body of a ginger, and feet of a cheetah - suddenly stumbled upon a ball of cotton candy that fell from the sky and started savouring it when a meteorite from outer space just happened to fall right on its head, banging it to the ground.

Sherlock: I am still completely unaware of the cause and recipient of this narration-

Two: Silence, Mr. Holmes. - Me: Shut up, Sherlock! - Death: Baat up! - Feline Alien: MEOW MEOW MEOW-MEOW!!! [All together]

Sherlock: It seems that I now know the feline translation of “shut up”…

Two: Now, padre, if we are done jesting around - should we go and help the people?

Nah, just go by yourself - I don’t feel like it. Besides-

Nine: Sensei! Two! Sherlock! And Death too!

Oh hey there, Nine!

Death: Bwineee!

Nine: Damn that baka-neko, the concert was going so well - How was the music, did you like it?

Dang, that smile on his face reminds me of myself when I showed Leo my amateurish paintings.

Of course I did!

Nine: Yay! Well, we will resume the concert after taking care of that big cat over there - kinda ominous that we crossed our path with a crazy large black cat on our first intergalactic tour, but eh…

If you have good memory, my dear readers, you might recognise this planet as the one that got attacked by that sperm monster at the start of the first chapter - this planet is Proxima Centauri B - or as I like to call it - Terra Secunda or Welima'q.

Nine: Uh, who are you talking to, Sensei?

Ah, just the readers - don't you worry, Nine.

Nine: Uh… readers?

Never mind, forget that this conversation ever happened. Let me erase your memory and - Or, you know what? Let me just monologue in my head, that would be better. It's not always better to show instead of telling, after all.

Nine: Um… okay…?

You can go and resume your concert with Sexta, Nine - I am gonna go for a walk in the Hanging Gardens.

Nine: Okay, sensei. See you later!

Ita, see you later. Also, tell Sexta I loved her singing. Also, also - take Death with you.

Nine: I will! Hello, Death!

Death (smiling cutely): Bwello Bwineeeee!

Alright, see you later. Vale.

*Snaps fingers*

*Swoop*

So, anyway, what was I talking about? Ah - that pink rose looks so beautiful - I kinda crave a pizza too right now… guess I will just transform the rose into a piz -

Wait, isn't that rose named after Leo by some French guy? What was I thinking? I am never gonna touch it. Come to think of it… I never really knew what his favourite flower was, kinda funny that you don’t know the favourite flower of the man you loved and lived with for like three decades…

Wait, I am getting sidetracked again. Let me return to the topic… but what was it again? Ah yes, Lex Simul. In Latin and English, “simul” means “at the same time” - so, Lex Simul would mean something along the lines of “Instant Law” or “Law At The Same Time” - but that's a handful, so I prefer the Latin name. The name precisely describes what it does - instantly punishing someone who does a bad thing. Causality itself is the judge, jury and executioner - so no one can escape the consequences of their actions - but eh.

Note that this does not apply for Field Wielders - ‘coz eh, it'd be too much work to deal with bad things that happen to me after I do something wrong. So, instead of just making myself an exception, I made every Field Wielder an exception - Because I thought that'd be more fair… for some reason.

So, you might be wondering, what exactly counts as a “bad” or “wrong” thing in the eyes of fate itself? Well, I passed an Act having about a quadrillion sections in the League of Life Parliament like 69 years ago, detailing every possible bad thing anyone can ever commit - so you can check it out yourself, if you want to.

Damn, I still want a pizza - let me make one real qui- Oh, wait, you know what? This is the perfect opportunity to showcase another feature of Lex Simul - let me order a pizza real quick.

*Flip* *Tap* *Tap* *Tap* *Tap* *Tap* *Tap* *Tap* *Tap* *Tap* *Tap* *Ringing noises*

Yes, I prefer flip phones over smartphones for some reason. Inter-mobs are overrated.

“Hello~! Welcome to Star Pizzeria’s Instant Delivery Over Inter-Mob - where star service satisfies-”

Salve. I am Gian Giacomo Caprotti da Milano - Can I order a pizza?

“Oh, absolutely! What kind of pizza would you like - cheese, veg, chicken-?”

Ah, let’s see - what did Leo, Melzi and I used to have in Milano back in the day? Oh yes, I remember that Genoese merchant treating us to a focaccia for one of Leo’s paintings - it was delicious. So, let’s see - I want a baked focaccia a’ rosmarino with garlic, pepper, salt and some sage. Ah, and don’t forget the Reggiano!

“Alright, let me note it down ASAP… focaccia, with rosemary and sage… parmesan… Would you like any other toppings?”

Nah, it’s fine.

“Delivery location?”

Uh - The Hanging Gardens, Earth.

“Hanging Gardens… Wait, do you mean the Hanging Gardens?”

Yes, the one in Roma.

“Is this a prank call? Who are you? I will make it sure that karma gets you-”

Oh yes, dear reader - sorry for not telling you before, only the Ten Agents of Earth and their guests can visit the Hanging Gardens -

“Who the hell are you and what are you talking about?!”

Oh, sorry, I forgot that most of you know me by the name Salai or Agent Zero or President-

“Are you kidding me…? I swear you will trip and fall over on the very next step you take -”

Oof, why do I have to deal with people? *Snaps fingers*

*Swoop*

I am Salai, President of the League of Life. I called you - see this? I called you from this phone number and this very same flip phone - do you now believe me, Jeff?

*The receiver falls from Jeff’s hands* *Other staff in the kitchen instantly stop doing whatever they were doing* *A lotta utensil noises that the auto-diary cannot distinguish between*

Jeff: “AHHH! PRESIDENT! I mean, SIR President! I-I mean Sir President Zero! I-I am s-so sorry-y for doubting t-the legitimacy of your identity! I am honoured-d to see y-you with my own eyes! Thanks-s for ord-ordering from Star Pi-Pizzeria! Do you want me to g-guide you through our ma-main galactic-c headquar-quarters…? It would be an hon-nour to-”

Nah, it’s okay. I just came here to tell you that I am the real guy, not some prankster. Do your work and then send the focaccia, I will be waiting.

Jeff: *Hitting a salute* Yes, sir!

Bene.

*Swoop*

Now that that’s done - let me rest on this bench-

*Bench creaks*

-And tell you about the economy of the universe. It is a bit complicated though - I tried my best to explain it to the author, but he couldn’t fully wrap his head around it.

*Swoop*

Merlin: Don not blaime the author, brüther - the top economists in this universe don’t get aeither!

Eh - true, true. Infinite supply and finite demand is a nightmare for every economist, just imagine the supply and demand curves. I remember that time when I got a letter from Friedman back in like 1972. He was like: “tHiS sHoUlDn’T wOrK bUt It Is WoRkINg - SOMEHOW!!!”

Merlin: I mæn - methinks it is working mostly due to One doing alle the hard worc in the beginning.

Uh, I dubito that killing all the people who didn't listen to her due to sexist, racist, religious, transphobic, and/or xenophobic insults constantly hurled at them counts as hard work.

Merlin: Faire enough.

By the way, amice - Why do you sound like a time-traveller from 1500s Wales who went to 800s Northumbria and ran a tavern in the middle of nowhere that accommodated Vikings and Anglo-Saxons alike because his time machine got ruined and he got trapped in the time period?

Merlin: I am not sure if this is intentional or not - but this is the 69th time that you have asked the same thing and the 69th time I replied with the same - because I am all of that stuff that you just said.

Oh right, I forgot - my bad.

*Merlin facepalms*

Phone (ringing): No, I ain’t got rhythm~ ‘Said I ain’t got rhythm~ I ain't got rhythm!

Oh, it's the pizza guy- Wait, amice-

Salve, it's Salai - is my focaccia done?

“Yes, sir! Focaccia al’ rosmarino with garlic, pepper, salt, sage and Reggiano cheese is ready, sir! Shall I transport it to your location right now, sir?!”

Ita.

“Okay, sir!”

*Pizza box arrives with a swoop*

“Thank you for ordering from Star Pizzeria, Sir President Salai! Please enjoy the meal and rate it if you wish to!”

Sure, see you later. Vale!

“Yes, sir! Bye, sir! Thank you, s-!”

*Tap*

Alrighty now, Merlin - let's see how this tastes, this treat's on me. Continue explaining Lex Simul for me, please.

Merlin: You know you can't bribe me with a pizza, right?

Nah, I can - have a bite of this.

Merlin: No, wait -

Say “Aaaaaa”.

Merlin: Uh wait, no, uh - Hmmmmm!

See! I told you it was tasty!

Merlin: And I was trying to tell you that I have a cheese allergy! But, damn - it's good. Let me have another slice. Hmmmm!

Alright, nunc - let’s further detail out the lore of this verse and how it functions. How should we do it, amice?

Merlin: First of all - yum! - Let’s start with the geography… or, in this case, cosmography of this world. It would have been better if I had a visual aid-

*Snaps fingers*

There’s a full-on floating holographic display for you, frater.

Merlin: So, you see, readers - the League of Life doesn't have a currency - Wait a minute, this doesn’t help much… How are readers supposed to see-?

Just describe it like you do.

Merlin: Not again!

It’s a challenge.

Merlin: Alrighty then, ‘guess I’ll do it then. At least, tune your auto-diary to describe the images in the hologram for me.

In return, do a generic anime-style narration for me.

Merlin: Deal. Let’s begin-

*Zap and crash in the background. Ground quakes and shivers.*

Merlin: What was that?!

*Merlin looks around to see two giant beings towering over the horizon fist-fighting each other.*

Damn, I guess even my auto-diary is a better narrator than me.

Merlin: Hey - shut the hell up and tell me what’s going on!

*Rumble* *Crash*

*The two giants jump into the sky and wrestle in mid-air before one of them got pummeled by the under onto the ground*

What - didn't you “thank God that you are omniscient”?

Merlin: Yes, BUT - I am just a Tertiary Infinite Being, I am nowhere near you!

*Crash* *Rumble*

*The fight continues in the clouds, featuring fist blows and martial arts. The entire sky is covered with the blood and shadows of the two giant monsters.*

Well, then, tu aren't really omniscient if you don't know everything!

Merlin: You know that I can only control knowledge and information according to my imagination, right? I am limited by my human imagination- you aren't! You just choose to be so!

*Swoop*

*Sun Wukong appears and jumps into the sky and starts yelling*

Sun Wukong (yelling): G-GOATSAMA! BOTSAMA! STOP! STOP, I SAY! Change, Jingu Bang!

*A humongous red-and-gold rod appears from the ear-pin in Sun Wukong’s ear before he throws it and zaps into the sky*

Listen, frater Merlin - Try to calm down and use your powers. You are the Lord of Knowledge - calm down and analyse the situation using the Field. What are your powers? Remember - you are Information.

*Rumble* *Boom*

Merlin: Alright, enough - no more transfer of information. Samay…! Tistha.

*Everything suddenly went black and quiet, the flow of time has stopped.*

Oh wait, let me tune my auto-diary to just ignore reality and still get information from the surroundings - it’d be boring otherwise.

Merlin: Alright, now - tell me what the hell is going on!

You are Knowledge. You are Information - cur should I give information to Information itself?

Merlin: …You have a point, can’t argue with that. Wait, let me get the data required.

For those wondering at home (or wondering while wandering) about the natura of Tertiary Infinite Beings - let me remind you just two things. Uno - They represent the very foundations of Existence, such as: Time, Logic, Data, Space, Death, Dimensions etc. Their being transcends common sense and their consciousnesses do not materialise unless acted upon or tampered by a Field Wielder. Secunda - A few of them, like Sherlock (Time) and my brüther Merlin (Data/Information) prefer to remain human due to various circumstances like emotions, conscience, or just free will. However, staying human has several drawbacks, like being downgraded to the tier of a Binary Infinite Being as you are unable to use your powers completely while remaining a human.

Merlin: Paadruman, you aren’t that bad of a narrator as you were before - it seems.

I am kinda surprised myself, amice.

Merlin: So… What’s going on is that… Two Heavens of two different worlds are going at it… They are both mercenaries - Heavenly mercenaries to be precise. One of them is from the Japanese Heaven and the other is from the Daoist Heaven… one of them is a mutated guy from Prince George’s County in Maryland, USA from Sun Wukong’s world - he calls himself “GOATSAMA”, all capital. And the other guy is an AI gone haywire from Thena’s world and interestingly, its Japanese programmer named it “BOTSAMA.exe” - A strange coincidence indeed, as if planned by a certain mischievous omnipotent guy…

Hey, hey! I didn't plan - Uh, no that'd be a direct lie, sorry, Leo.

Merlin: So, it was your plan to make these seemingly random worlds go to war?

Not directly, but yes.

Merlin: What the hell are you planning, brüther?

Again, Merlin - why should I impart knowledge upon Knowledge himself?

Merlin: You know you are beyond my Realm of Control - right?

Well, verum. But still!

Merlin: Oh geez!

So, what are they doing here on Earth anyway?

Merlin: Uh, they were having a fight and - Hang on a minute, why the hell should I tell you?

Nah, not to me - but to the readers.

Merlin: Fine - but before that, I have to explain the concept of Realms and Realm Collapse.

Í, amice - I like building up lore.

Merlin: Alright so, every Infinite Being has control over specific sets of ideas or physical things. Yes, every Field Wielder can control the Field directly and teleport and move at rapid speeds using Drive, shoot blasts of energy, and create matter out of nothing - but Infinite Beings, having infinite control over something, can do things and control reality beyond those mere Field manipulations. A property of Existence is attached to each Infinite Being, whether Unary, Binary or Tertiary - the Quadrilaterals are a different deal, ignore them - and the Infinite Being's control over their property is referred to as their “Realm”. Their-

Aren't you talking too much, Merlin? Just define things in short like you always do.

Merlin: Sorry, it is a bit hard to be brief when a war between Heavens of different universes is going on - and I have to explain the mechanics of reality to infinite people in infinite realities!

I don't wanna hear anything - be as brief as a military command over ye olde walkie-talkies - it’s a challenge.

*Merlin dons a stiff military salute pose*

Merlin: Roger that, sir!

Bene! Soldier! What happened? Over!

Merlin: Realm Collapse, sir! Ultimate Technique. Used as last resort, sir!. Makes user weak. Realm goes out of control. Often initiated by a couplet, sir! Over and out, sir!

What does that have to do with the fight, soldier? Over and out!

Merlin: GOATSAMA, sir! He used Realm Collapse: Cha, Polyphenol oxidation - sir! It burnt through the very fabric of spacetime using the power of tea, sir! BOTSAMA fought back using Realm Collapse: GAANJA WAVE EN NIGHT, sir! Thunder. Lightning. Meth. Universal cataclysm. Every stupid psychedelic dream imaginable occurred at the same time, sir! The combined power of the Realm Collapses of two Binary beings resulted in complete spacetime collapse, sir! And now, the two’ve ended up here, fighting across universes and worldlines, sir! Over and out - sir!

Good report, soldier! Over!

*Merlin salutes once again with his other hand, his stick - which was in his hand before the salute - falls down to the ground* *Clunk, clunk…. dunk…* *Merlin’s salute staggers and he snaps his fingers* *Swoop* *The stick disappears - Merlin restiffens his salute before saying,*

Merlin: Sir, thank you, sir!

What do you think, soldier? - Should we end this chapter here, or continue rambling? Over!

Merlin: Sir, Nine is coming - sir! We should let him continue narration in the 13th chapter, sir! Over and out, sir!

What about the 11th and 12th chapters, soldier? Over.

Merlin: Let the author think about that, sir! Over and out, sir!

Wait - wasn’t it you who told me not to put everything on the author or something like that, amice?

Merlin: Oh shit right, sir! Sorry, sir! Let me tell it to the author then, sir! Over and out!

Sure!

*Merlin turns around and looks away into the distance with a wink, as if signalling an omnipresent cameraman, and says,*

Merlin: So, GOATSAMA and BOTSAMA are in a destructive dance! Sun Wukong is trying to calm them down and Thena is on her way! What will happen next? What happened to Six and Nine’s concert in Welima’q? What happened to that random 5D guy from Fakir’s ears? What is Death still doing? What is Halcyon up to? What shenanigans are gonna happen next? To know all that-

To be honest, I thought this would be an educational and informative start to the second cour - and now I realise that I didn’t even set up the foundations of the plot!

Merlin: To know all that - head on to the next chapter, written by the titular protagonist Nine himself! See you later!

Merlin (murmuring): Damn, now I sound like a cringe anime narrator...

Next Chapter: A Dank Devil of A Dream