The Start of the Engagement Party

And yet, here, on the day of the engagement party, I couldn't help but feel nervous. I once again adjusted the colorful scarf around my neck, and checked the sleeves of my shirt. I didn't feel quite comfortable, but I was doing fine.

Relax, I thought. Deep breaths.

I knew everything. I had trained for this every day. I would do just fine.

And I had Nela next to me. She wore a beautiful dress adorned with fine jewelry. It wasn't the jewelry that she would wear herself, I knew now, but it was traditional. I shrugged. After today was over, she could again wear whatever she wanted.

She also looked a little nervous, but hid it with a big grin. I leaned over to her and gave her a kiss. There was no hesitation in that motion, at least.

"You look handsome," she said, blushing slightly.

"T-thanks." I couldn't help but feel some slight heat in my face as well. "Let's go, then?"

She nodded, and squeezed my hand one last time before we left the room. But then, the facade she wore as the princess grew gradually more apparent. Nothing about her posture was relaxed. Her steps were all equal and measured. And the smile on her face let no one in, even me.

What's going on?, I wondered. She's probably nervous, just like me. I shouldn't worry so much.

But today, everyone in the hallways was staring again. I still didn't like that feeling. Even though I had spent some months here now, and had spoken to quite a few number of people, I still preferred to stay in the shadows. It was as if everyone could read my thoughts, and knew I would fail.

Relax, I told myself. You're only making it worse.

But that was easier said than done. In my pocket, I felt the ring box, uncomfortable against my every step.

When will be the right time to get it out? At the beginning? No, surely not. But when wwillthe party end? With our dance? Should I do it then, or wait until the queen has given us her approval? What will Nela think? No, she will be fine, surely—after all, it was her plan to marry me. If I reciprocate with my own engagement ritual, it won't be bad, right? Right?

I wasn't panicking, but I certainly wasn't relaxed, either. Maybe I could call it preparation work. But I was so deep in my thoughts that I simply followed Nela, until she stopped in front of the doors that lead to the throne room.

"Are you ready?" she whispered.

No. "Yes," I answered.

She nodded, and opened the door.

Relax, I thought. Relax! You know the steps. We will begin with the dinner, and then...

Everyone's gaze was on me. I froze for a moment, as if on top of the door was some sort of invisible wall, keeping me outside. But Nela walked through without issue, and only slightly turned her head to look at me. But even then, I could see the concern behind her mask.

"Come on in," she whispered. "Everyone is waiting."

I nodded, and forced myself to move forward. Right leg. Left leg.

It wasn't just the queen, and the king, and maybe the rest of her family. No, the whole room was crowded with different nobles, and none of them (well, except for Sören, who just looked happy to be there) regarded me with a friendly disposition. No, all I could see where hateful glares, worse than anything I had ever seen from Meike or Ulfret. I knew the two, and knew how to work with them. But this mass of gazes on me made me feel insignificant, and stupid for even trying. As if a spotlight was on me, burning me from above.

"Prinzessin Nela von Schmodden," someone announced.

"And... the otherworlder!"

Not even my name, huh, I thought. Great. Really shows how much my presence is appreciated here.

Once again, Nela's mother towered over everything. Her presence was suffocating. And she was staring me down as if that was enough to kill me on the spot. It certainly felt that way.

We went forward, right through the rows and rows of tables flanking us, where I could already see the cutlery glittering in the setting light.

I need to focus. Relax. No, focus. I mean...

"You are here," the queen said. "For that at least, you have my respect."

She narrowed her eyes, as if that was enough for her to see into the depth of my soul. And maybe it was. I was sure the terror I felt was reflected on my face.

"Then, let the dinner begin."

With a nod, we were finally free to move again. I watched as Nela went up to the free plate next to her mother, and I tried to look around as inconspicuously as possible to find my own place to sit down and eat.

There. Next to Ulfret, no less. And he didn't look like he wanted to be here. Surely, this was all a bother to him, keeping him from his studies. I couldn't count on him.

I sat down, and the cutlery in front of me stretched endlessly.

Focus. Relax. Focus!

It was much fancier than the cutlery Meike had used to help me train. Of course. This was the real deal—the royal dinner. But everything looked both more delicate and yet had a weight to it that threw me off. Is this a dessert fork or already one for the main course? What about this spoon? That's an extra spoon! What is it for? When do I use it?

Music came up, and I flinched. The first course was getting served.

Relax. Focus.

I couldn't. I watched in terror as they served an orange soup with little pieces of meat, vegetables and cream in it. Was i supposed to eat it all with the spoon, or take up a fork and knife for that? I glanced around. Oh, I was so incompetent. Everyone else had already started, and I felt the judgment of the queen on me.

Relax. Relax!

I took the spoon. Hopefully, it was the right one. I started to eat, and no one seemed to mind. Good. I didn't embarrass myself yet.

Someone had poured some wine into my glass. More than necessary—I only should take a small sip. But in this moment, I wanted nothing more than to down the entire glass, to get rid of these horrible feelings, this strangling nervousness.

No. I won't go down the path my father did, I thought.

I took a small sip, and coughed. The sound was louder than the music, and once again, I could feel everyone in the room judging me.

Relax. Relax. Relax! I prepared for all of this, so why isn't it going well?

The next spoonful of soup splashed, staining my left sleeve and part of vest orange.

I wanted to die.

I just have to get through this, I thought. I just have to relax and focus and then do the speech.

My throat was suddenly dry. Oh no, the speech.