Speechless

The thought of me having to speak to everyone here so soon made me sick. If I could, I would have excused myself, and left as soon as possible.

That wasn't possible, of course. If I did that, then I could basically just return to my world. And for the first time since I had arrived here, I seriously considered that possibility.

At least then, I wouldn't have to go through this, with a stained shirt and the emotional strength of a scared chihuahua.

Deep breaths, I reminded myself. It'll only be worse if I choke on something now.

I barely registered the food. It might have been tasty, or tasted like cardboard, or it might have even had the most foul aroma ever, but I truly couldn't say. I just knew, as the plate was lifted from my place, that now was the time to do the speech.

Get up, I thought. Relax. You can do this.

Ulfret didn't look at me. He seemed ready to go and leave all of this behind. Usually, that would relax me—he had been pretty confident with me and my words. But now, I wasn't so sure anymore.

I forced myself to stand up.

"Uh..."

The music died down, and my uncertainty hung in the air.

I coughed. My throat was dry, and yet it felt like no words wanted to come out. I coughed again.

"We are here to..."

Wait, was that right? I glanced at Ulfret, but his face didn't give me any indication on whether or not I was saying the right things. Couldn't he give me a small nod or headshake?

Wait, where was I again?

"Here to celebrate," I got out.

Was that right? No, I forgot something. I definitely forgot something. What was it? I tried to search deep in me for the answer, but it wouldn't come.

Somewhere, someone snickered. I flinched.

Again, try again. Relax. Focus. I can do it.

"We are here to celebrate the union of me and Nela," I said, and I finally fell into something of a comfortable rhythm.

"She is the life of my light, my rock against the ocean, and..."

I messed that up again, didn't I? Did I use the right words? Something is wrong, I can tell. But I soldiered on. I couldn't go back on my words.

This was hell. Really, there was no other way to describe it, having to stumble through my speech as my words eluded me, with not a single sympathetic face in the crowd was as close as I ever felt to torture.

I hated being in the spotlight. And yet, I had no escape from it now.

I was shaking, even as I grabbed the table. My voice was either too quiet or too loud, and no matter how I tried to compensate for that, it all sounded wrong in my ears. I stumbled over my words.

Relax. Focus. This is hell. I want to go back. Someone, save me, please. Nela. Ulfret. Even Sören. Anyone! Why doesn't this end?

"And her presence grazes me everyday," I said, and once again. I could hear someone stifle a laugh.

My head, by now, surely was beet red. My vision was blurring, and my hands on the table—surely, another misstep—were the only things keeping me upright. I was suffering. There was no other way to say this.

"I want..."

I want to get out of here.

"I want to cherish her for the rest of my life."

I struggled with each and every word. Nothing I said was right, and really, I was embarrassing myself more and more. I could see the guests losing interest, and while that should relax me a little, the gaze of the queen was still as harsh as ever. Or even worse? It was hard for me to tell.

My head was pounding. I was saying words, but it felt like I could only see through glass, as if it wasn't really me who said these words. It was as if my tongue had suddenly lost the ability to speak the language I was immersed in for the last few months, substituting the words with the ones I grew up with, giving all of it a worse pronunciation than usual.

Relax. Focus. You're horrible. What a waste. You don't even know what you're saying. And you're saying it wrong. Give up. Stop trying. This is embarrassing, my father said in my head.

I wanted to run. I wanted to cry. I wanted to never get out again. And yet, I went on.

I was so close.

Another deep breath. "And for that, I wish to ask you..." My gaze turned to the queen. "Queeeeen..."

My mind blanked. What was her name again?

"The queen..."

I didn't want to address her improperly. Could she kill me for that? No, she definitely could. But would she?

"Queen Ma… Me..."

My voice became more and more quiet. The queen didn't react, but that was all the reaction I needed. She hated me, of course. I could be happy if I got out of here alive, so that Nela could send me back.

I didn't want to go back. Not to my old life, not to my father—and even more than that, I didn't want to leave her behind. I loved Nela. Just thinking of her being with someone else made my chest hurt.

But did I even have a chance? With the way I was doing, certainly not. At least the queen hadn't ordered my death yet.

Wait, did I stop talking?

The queen waved a hand.

"The speech is over," she declared. "Now, it is time for the dance." A small mercy, at least. Or just maybe a sign that my fate was sealed.

I all but fell back down in my seat, already exhausted.

Get up, I forced myself. Relax. Focus. The dance will be better. I managed to stand up, my movements robotic. This is horrible. Everyone is watching.

The walk over to Nela was the longest of my life.