Another Misstep

Just the dance. Then, it would all be over.

My whole body stiffened, but I managed to make it over to Nela. Now I finally understood her mask. I didn't even know if I managed to smile, but at least, I managed to ask her for the dance.

She took my hand and gave it a subtle squeeze. It wasn't reassuring, not under the queen's gaze.

We went into the middle of the room, as around us, the tables were cleared. That didn't help keep everyone's attention away from us, though.

The music started, and I knew I had to move.

Move, I thought. I wanted to force my feet to do so, but it was as if they were dipped in cement.

Across from me, Nela gently moved, and that was finally the thing that broke the spell.

"You're doing great," she whispered.

I couldn't help but let out a snort. No, I wasn't doing great. It was very sweet of her to try and encourage me, but it was also very clear I was absolutely failing. Even if we nailed this dance—and right now, I highly doubted that—I would still not be good enough for the queen.

I moved right, when we were supposed to move left. Urgh. The same mistake I had made over and over again during our training sessions, and now it had to happen again. I clicked my tongue. Embarrassing mistake after mistake, and it just didn't stop. Why couldn't I just stop doing that? Why couldn't I be normal?

"You're worrying too much," Nela said.

"Uh, yes. Because I'm failing left and right."

I turned, and thankfully, it was in the right direction, just a little off-beat. The ring box in my pocket weighed heavy. Would I still be able to pull off my own proposal after all this? And even if I did, would it matter?

The queen wouldn't approve. I would have to go home, back there, to him, and... leave Nela here.

No. I couldn't do that.

But our—no, my mistakes—made it hard for me. I didn't want to admit defeat, but what redeeming quality was I currently showing off? Nothing, that's right. I was just lining up mistake after mistake as if it was a pearl necklace, just not as pretty.

And then I stepped on her foot. It wasn't the first time—it was just one of the many mistakes I made during our training sessions—but now, seeing her wince slightly was like a stab to the heart. I hurt her with my mistake. She didn't laugh it off like she did before. She couldn't, with that mask in place. She smiled slightly, but that wasn't a real smile, not a smile meant for me.

I'm horrible.

The realization settled in deeper with each swell of the music, with each wrong turn, step and sway. I couldn't do anything right. What had I even done the last few days?

I couldn't look at Nela. My face was flushed red, and I could see my pathetic little form reflected in her eyes. What was she thinking now?

She might not hate me, but I definitely did.

And worse, the queen didn't only look mad, she looked bored. As if she already had decided my fate—our fate. Of course. This horrible, mismatched dance was just another failure. There was nothing I could do.

"You're spiraling," Nela reminded me gently.

"I know."

She was just trying to be nice and supportive. I knew that, in some corner of my mind. But right now, it didn't help. It only made me feel worse.

My movements became more erratic, my steps were smaller, my posture stiffer. I just wanted this to be over. Just how long could these few minutes be? It was horrible, horrible torture.

Relax. Focus. Move. Now. None of the words helped me. The air was stuffy, and it felt like I couldn't breathe it in, even if I wanted to. The whole room was spinning, and yet, I knew everyone watched us. Maybe with pity. Maybe in boredom. But no one believed in us—that much was clear. Even Sören looked like a kicked puppy.

Not one smile. Not one sympathetic gaze. Even Nela's mask didn't manage to smile.

"We'll get through this," I said, and my throat was rough.

It was a lie. Sure, we might get through the dance—it wasn't like there was anything that could stop us from that—but it wouldn't make it good. Nothing about this engagement party was good, at least good enough for the queen.

It all could have been different. I loved Nela. That was what the last few months had shown me. Falling asleep next to her, and waking up the next morning at her side were the greatest gift I had ever received in my life. I loved to hear her talk about bugs, even if I didn't understand it. But looking at her face, at the pure joy it radiated while talking, was enough for me. I loved our gaming sessions, cuddled against each other, until the sun set. I loved to hold her, to kiss her, to be by her side. There was still so much I didn't know about her, and so much I hadn't been able to share with her about me. But I thought I was finally ready to do s, and to spend the rest of my life with her.

But that dream was all but crushed. Maybe the music was still going, because Nela was still dancing, but I was merely a puppet, getting dragged along by her.

I didn't want to give up this fight. But what could I do now that I had already lost?

I gripped her hand tighter. It might very well be the last time I was able to hold her like this. Would they permit one last kiss before I had to go home?

"I don't want to lose you," I whispered.

"And you don't have to."

But her voice lacked its usual self-assured tone. She doubted herself, just like I doubted myself. I let out a small laugh. Talking wasn't really well liked while dancing. But would another mistake matter, after the million that had come before?

"We will see what the queen says," I said. "It's not like we can run away."

"Hm." Nela tilted her head, as if she was seriously considering that possibility. "No, I don't think we can."

The music was dying down. We hadn't even attempted one of the fancy dance figures that Sören had shown off. Of course not. This way, at least no one got hurt. We stopped, and stepped away from each other, turning towards the queen.

She still hadn't said a word, but her eyes spoke loud enough. Failure. I had failed, and that was clear as day. The ring weighed so heavy in my pocket that it felt like it was trying to drag me underwater.

"I'm sorry," I finally broke the silence. "I-I think I have to go to the toilet. If you'll excuse me for a minute."

And with that, I fled the room.