Leave Your Fantasy... (Adella)

There’s something so infuriating about knowing how you can’t truly ever grasp the thoughts and feelings of another. You may reach as far as you can towards them, trying to touch even just the ends of their fingertips. And in a moment where you both make contact, maybe you feel as if you’ve connected. As if you’re on the same wavelength, even if just for an instant.

But then it leaves you.

You can appreciate it all you want, but that doesn’t change the fact that it is now gone. Things won’t ever be the same.

I can confidently say that I’ve accepted that as reality.

But even so, I wonder…

Why is it that I still continue to reach out?

There’s something—someone—that won’t let me lose all hope. I’ve tried, and tried, and tried to rid my heart of any faith I have left in another moment like that taking place. And I just never seem to be able to.

For an entire lifetime, I’ll keep reaching out at that resplendent illusion of harmony, with only disappointment waiting for me at the end of my days.

God…why must you tease me so?

***

It was hard to keep up with what had been happening over the course of the past few days. I’d lost my best friend to some manipulative scumbag, and then, once again, had to go to Midas to talk about the two and their relationship.

I hated having to rely on him, and I knew I was a bother. But what else could I have done? He always, always seemed to be the one who had all the answers. It wasn’t even surprising how good he was at reading other people and their situations anymore. His ability to do it just felt like a given now.

And as much as I envied him for that, I couldn’t help but pity him, too.

“I’m not God. There are some things that even I can’t do.”

What did he mean by those words? What was he trying to tell me?

I just couldn’t figure it out. He had definitely known what was going to occur between Soren and Katerina before it even happened, and it shouldn’t have been hard for him to stop it. And yet he talked as if only some higher power would have been able to make a change.

There was so much that I didn’t know. The way Midas spoke in riddles only made it worse.

Now wasn’t the time to be thinking about this, though. I wish none of it had ever happened, but it did. I had to accept it.

Looking at how things turned out, I knew that my main priority should’ve been Katerina. I had been paying a lot of attention to her after our fight, and she only seemed to be getting happier and happier. But it wasn’t the type of happiness that anyone would strive for. It was more like the kind where people saw you and thought, well, ignorance is bliss.

There was a sudden change that I noticed today, however. Katerina was absent from school.

I had been sitting at my desk, resting my head on my elbow, and staring at her empty seat on the other side of the classroom for pretty much the entire time. I constantly wondered about what could’ve happened to her. She had been eagerly going to school these past few days, but now she wasn’t here all of a sudden. Something serious must’ve transpired. Even if she was sick or had an emergency, I feel like she still would have tried to come. That's how much she wanted to see her boyfriend.

Wait…could she and Soren have…

I thought about it. In the hallway outside, I got a good look at Soren, who was talking with some other boys from our class. He was pretty hard to read, but after learning the truth of how he’d been exploiting Katerina all along, I knew how wicked he really was.

And when I looked at his eyes, I realized…he saw people as nothing but objects.

I understood that he hadn’t cared at all about Katerina or her feelings. It made me so mad. Regardless of what happened between them, I wanted to put a stop to their relationship immediately. It didn’t matter if Katerina wasn’t at school today. I would go to her house if I had to.

And that’s exactly what I did. I waited impatiently for school to end, and then I made my way right over.

***

There was no telling how Katerina would react when she saw me at her doorstep. We hadn’t talked for days. Would she lash out at me? Would she tell me to leave? Or would she be happy to see me?

One long, deep breath to eliminate my second thoughts.

As I stood there, I hoped for the best but braced for the worst, and extended out my arm to ring the doorbell.

Ding! Ding! Ding!

A long minute passed, and there was no answer.

I decided to try and ring one more time, so I stuck my finger out and reached for the button, but just before I could, the door suddenly clicked open.

Katerina was there, her face flushed and eyes puffy.

“Have you been…crying?” I asked.

She sniffled. “Why are you here?”

I think she was still angry at me. Her tone gave it away.

“You weren’t at school today, so I was worried. Did something happen, Kat?”

There was a pause. Her gaze drifted downwards.

“...Soren broke up with me.”

I knew it. That was his plan all along—to have his fun with her and then leave. He was so, so evil.

“Why don’t we talk about it?” I asked, being as gentle as possible. “Can I come—”

“Aren’t you mad at me?”

I paused. “...Because you gave up our friendship for some guy who didn’t even like you?”

A sad expression crossed her face, but she gave no response.

“Look,” I said, “I realize you weren’t in the right state of mind then. I’m not mad. I just want to talk with you.”

She stared at me for a few seconds, almost like she was determining whether or not I was a threat.

“So…can I come in?” I asked.

It took another few seconds of silence, but eventually, Katerina hesitantly moved aside and gave me room to enter.

I went in and sat on one of the couches in the living room. She took a seat on the chair next to me, beginning to quietly twiddle with her fingers. We were both quiet. I wasn’t sure how I’d be able to segue into the more sensitive topics, so I decided to just be straightforward about it.

“...Did you know all along?” I asked.

“About what?”

“You know…that Soren didn’t…”

With a glance at her face, I stopped myself from finishing. It probably didn’t matter at this point, and I didn’t want to hurt her even further with my words.

Another lull followed.

“...I feel like I’ve made so many mistakes,” Katerina said, breaking the silence. She let out a soft chuckle. “It’s so funny that even I can laugh at it.”

“Kat…”

“Was it wrong of me, Della? Did I really do something wrong?”

“...”

“How did things even end up like this?”

Her questions made me conflicted. I didn’t know whether she was wrong for what she did either.

“It’s okay,” I said. “Soren was the one who caused all of this.”

“That’s not true!”

Her words were heavy. They lingered throughout the air.

“I knew…” she began. “I knew that he didn’t really love me.”

I couldn’t believe that she admitted it herself. I didn’t know how to respond.

Her eyes drifted downward. “I want to regret it so badly…but I just can’t.”

I wasn’t sure why, but a sudden frustration built up within me after hearing that.

“...Even after everything you did?”

She shuddered. Slowly, she met my gaze with hers.

“I’m sorry, Della. I’m sorry. I ruined our friendship over this.”

I really, truly wanted to accept her apology. Something about it just wouldn’t let me, though.

“But you still don’t regret it…?”

Tears welled up in her eyes. She smiled.

“...How could I? I was happy…”

There was a lump in my throat, thick with words I couldn’t say. Katerina continued.

“I knew what I was getting into, and yet…I couldn’t stop myself. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to be proud of myself. Is that really such a bad thing…?”

She just…wanted to be happy?

Was that the reason she willingly let herself be tricked?

I clenched my fists. Katerina watched as I stood up, no longer able to keep myself composed.

“How…”

I spoke.

“How can you say that!? Do you not realize what you were doing? You were living in your own fantasy, avoiding anything that reminded you of reality! Is that seriously what you call happiness?!”

She looked startled. I hoped that my words would get through to her, but slowly, her expression turned somber and tears began to trickle down her cheeks.

“...I know all of that, Della,” she said. “But I was still happy.”

I felt myself slightly falter. The way she was so confident in her thinking made me question my resolve.

It didn’t matter. I couldn’t stop there. I couldn’t let her live in that fantasy any longer!

Gritting my teeth, I placed my hands on her shoulders and squeezed them tightly. Her eyes widened as she saw my face wet with emotion, the same as hers.

“Della…”

“...You’re delusional! Is your idea of happiness one where you can just ignore all the bad and be satisfied with yourself? And how far are you willing to go to get that? Don’t you see yourself now? Don’t you see what you’ve done to yourself?!”

“What do you want me to do…?” she questioned. “I can’t change how I felt then…so what else can I do about it? I have to accept it…”

I paused to catch a shaky breath, trying to hold back the urge to sob.

“Then tell me…” I uttered softly. “Are you happy now?”

Katerina stared at me for a moment. Then, all of a sudden, her pupils dilated and her lip began to quiver.

“...Are you saying that was my mistake? Wanting to be happy?” she asked, slowly meeting her gaze with mine. “...That was where I went wrong?”

“No…no, Kat. You have to let go. You can’t blindly chase after happiness! Nothing ever ends well that way! Do you really want to spend your life living in a lie?”

The air went quiet for a few seconds, letting me collect myself a little. Katerina looked like she was resonating with my words.

“I was willing to give up everything for him…” she said in a low voice. “Was I that far gone…?”

“Yes!” I cried. “Do you get it now? Wanting to be happy is fine, but…you can’t sacrifice everything just for a temporary moment of it!”

She raised one hand to cover her face. “...Is that what I did?”

Tears were escaping from her eyes.

“...Was I even really happy, then?”

I felt a tightness in my chest. I wanted to comfort her.

“Kat, it’s okay…that doesn’t matter. Why don't we move past that now?"

“But I yelled at you…and I told you I didn’t want to be friends with you…”

“It’s fine! Everything’s okay now.”

"And I called you nosy...and condescending..."

"Yeah...it's all right. I forgive you."

With my words, my best friend looked up at me, and the tears slowly coming out before had now begun to flow without restraint. She was crying. She had finally heard me.

“I’m sorry…” she choked out between sobs. “I’m really sorry…”

I wasn’t able to hold my tears back either, and I pulled her into a tight embrace in order to hide my ugly expression.

“I’m glad…”

“Can you please forgive me…? I’m sorry…”

“Don’t worry…I forgive you, Kat.”

“Thank you…I’m sorry…”

As we continued to cry, I could only feel joy from the fact that I was able to make her have a change of heart. My best friend was back. We were finally on good terms again. I could understand her, and she could understand me.

If I had to put how I was feeling into words, things were just…really nice and warm.