Why Do I Live?

Why do I live? What is life? Why am I still moving? These are the questions that repeat in my head every day since I moved here to Florida. I'm not even depressed, or homesick. I just… don’t feel anything about living. At first, I thought it was just culture shock, and that I’d get better. But after a year, it’s still the same. The questions still echo. Am I just moving to feel like I’m alive? Or am I moving… because that’s what living is? 

Back in Tokyo, everything made sense—my school, my friends, my routine. People used to call my name like it meant something. “takeshi, you’re so good at this!” or “Hey takeshi, wait up!” Here… it’s quiet. Too quiet.

Am I just not meant for this country? I miss Tokyo. But it’s also the reason I hate it. Not the place itself. But something happened there. Something I’ll never forget. That’s why I came here. To figure things out. To understand why people live. To see what the real world looks like outside of everything I knew. I tried hanging out alone. I tried exploring new places. But still… no answer.

No matter where I go, no matter who I meet, it’s like I’m still searching for something I can’t find. In this world full of people, there are those who are sad, happy, excited, and then there are those like me. The ones who float through life, feeling disconnected from everyone around them. The ones who get bullied every day. The ones who get beat up in silence. The ones who don’t know how high school is supposed to feel like. But still… we live. We exist.

But come to think of it, why do we exactly live? Maybe others will say, "Just live your life, fulfill your dream, and try everything."But for us teenagers, we wonder why and what for. Not because we’re mentally ill, but because we’re just kids who are new to the world. We’re trying to make sense of it all, but nothing seems to fit.

I sit by the side of the park bench, watching the trees sway gently in the wind, feeling the sun on my skin, but none of it reaches me. It’s as if the world outside continues to move, while I’m stuck, frozen in place, caught between thoughts I can’t escape. The more time passes, the more I realize…Maybe being alive is a curse. 

Everything’s fun—until something really hard hits you. I start thinking back to Tokyo again, to when life was simpler. When everything had purpose. But that’s when everything changed. That’s why I left. I came here to escape it. To figure things out. But now… I’m not so sure.

[Scene: Evening, back at home]

I walk into the small apartment I’ve come to call home. It’s not much, but it’s mine. I drop my bag on the couch and sit down in front of the window, staring out at the street. The light from the street lamps outside feels distant, almost as if it’s too far to reach. The world outside keeps moving, while I just… sit here. Waiting. The silence is almost deafening. I try to remind myself why I came here. Why I moved across the world. It was to find something. To understand. But all I’ve found so far is a growing emptiness. The questions never stop. They follow me wherever I go. 

Why do we live? What makes life real? Maybe I’m just immature. Or maybe I’m too mature, and I’m starting to see what life really is. But even then, I still don’t have an answer. I’m surrounded by white people, Black people… and Asians like me. But most of them were born here. They’re used to this place. I’m not. They talk about their hometowns like they’re real places, full of meaning. But what about me? What do I call home? Tokyo? Florida? Or somewhere in between?

[Scene: Southeast High School – The next day]

Southeast High. It’s not a “bad” school, but it doesn’t feel like a place of learning either. The way they teach feels careless. They hand out assignments and expect you to know what to do with them. It’s like they don’t care if you fail. They just move on to the next thing. The next subject. Like your problem is just that: yours. And if you can’t handle it, that’s your issue. I enrolled here, not because I wanted to learn math or science or grammar. But because I wanted to understand people—how they act, how they speak, what they feel. I wanted to understand human behavior. Maybe I’ll understand them better, or maybe they’ll understand me better. But in the end, we’re all just trying to survive in this weird, confusing world. 

We’re all just looking for meaning in a life that doesn’t always make sense. And maybe… maybe I’ll find the answer here. Maybe I’ll find someone who asks the same questions I do. Maybe they’ll have the answers.

Because right now, I’m just sitting here waiting for nothing.

[End of Chapter 1]