Chapter 20: A Place to Stay, A Place to Cry

~ Precia ~

I’m so relieved when we finally exit the place humans call a toilet. I don’t like it at all. But I don’t think I can entirely avoid it — some things you can only delay for so long. Talking to Daddy and relieving myself are just two of those things, but… there’s another thing that I can’t avoid forever.

I look down on myself. It’s been bothering me since I woke up in my new life as a hostage. The only possessions I have are the shoes and the dress I wear. The dress is completely ruined, though. Sooner or later, I need to mention it. Wearing it makes me uncomfortable, but so does speaking up. Dave doesn’t like me. If I speak up, I will only be a bother again. I’ve already bothered him more than enough just now…

“Buy, clothes, later, for you.”

I shriek out of my thoughts. Did Dave already notice? He’s going to spend money on me? I quickly grasp the scope of this announcement. I need to be grateful. Maybe I can try that word I’ve learned, too?

“Sank juuuu,” I say while lowering myself submissively. I’m pretty sure that came out wrong. Dave grunts unintelligibly. I think he understood me. Did he?

“It needn’t be fancy,” I say quietly, keeping my head low. “Anything is fine.”

Anything that covers up my body adequately…

Dave grunts again. I probably upset him. If he were my daddy, I’d be on the ground already. I’d be kicked and tossed about. Thankfully, Dave isn’t Daddy. But he’s still gruff and grouchy. I don’t think we’ll be friends. In his view, I’m just a nuisance. I’m their prisoner. I shouldn’t expect kindness. Still, that other human showed me compassion. I kind of yearn for more. Daddy never gave me kindness.

“Come,” he snaps at me, interrupting my thoughts before they turn too gloomy. He’s shown me the bottom floor of my new home. He points upstairs. Wooden stairs lead onto the next floor. They creak when we walk them up. They’re a little scary, too, but I can manage.

Dave doesn’t show me much. He explains that his friends live here. There are four rooms total. One isn’t locked, and one is reserved for ‘friends’. I think he means the friendly human. The door that isn’t locked belongs to the fat man I healed. He’s resting there. Dave shoves me away when my curiosity sets in. I wonder if he’s alright? That wound should have killed him after all…

He also warns me never to go on this floor on my own. He tells me I should be wary of the man with the crooked face and the messy beard. I’m supposed to call his sister or Dave if I ever meet him. He also says I should be cautious about the fat man who’s injured right now. I can remember those rules even if I don’t fully understand. I think.

Maybe I will ask again once I can use Dave’s language. Dave only knows demon words but does not know how to put them into sentences. I might misunderstand him sometimes. Whenever he shows me my place, I will continue to study so I can talk to everyone and express myself more easily.

Now, he shoves me up another stair. I wonder what’s on the 2nd floor?

~ Dave ~

I’m glad the brat doesn’t poke around much. Beatrix doesn’t live with us in the guildhouse, and I don’t feel like explaining that to her. It doesn’t concern her anyway. However, the rooms on the 2nd floor do. It’s where I live. It’s been on my mind ever since she arrived. Where should I put her until I can kick her out again, the war ends, and we can live in normalcy again?

I still don’t have an answer, as in a good answer. I could put her in Ken’s room, but he’s my best friend. That room is off-limits. I could lock her away on the 3rd floor, where we store a lot of stuff like our weapons and equipment when we don’t need them. It’s a dark, dusty room underneath the roof, though. Kenneth would disapprove of it if I made her live there. It’s pretty much like a jail. I can’t do that.

Not after she saved Berserker… low-key wanna do it anyway…

I sigh. I hate the only reasonable option, but there’s no other way. I’ll have to host her personally.

“This is where I live,” I explain to her in both languages. “I don’t like to, but I’ll share it. No touching things that aren’t yours, understood? And don’t bother me, unless it involves your studies.”

If I intended to intimidate the kid, I succeeded. Terrified, she nods.

Good, at least she understands.

“Come, we have to make some amends for your sake. You better help me.”

~ Precia ~

Dave has a large living room, a study with lots of books, a room that looks like a meeting room with a table and many chairs, and a bedroom where I’m supposed to be now. He has moved a sofa into this room. It has some cushions, and he also gave me a few blankets. It’s where I will sleep tonight. I wonder how long I’ll have to stay… Dave doesn’t like me, so I doubt he wants me to stay any longer than I have to.

After a never-ending onslaught of “don’t do that’s” and “never touch this’s”, Dave finally leaves me to myself in his bedroom. He soon leaves to take care of some errands. He’s likely running them because of me. He locks the door for good measure. Shouldn’t he have realized that I won’t run away by now?

I let my shoulders sag as I sit down. I’m exhausted, but not tired. Therefore, I pick up the book again. The experiences today were very uncomfortable. If only I could communicate properly, things wouldn’t be half as bad. But I’m not even sure if it’s worth putting in the effort. If I won’t be here for long, maybe I’m just wasting time. Then again, there’s nothing for me to do. I might as well study.

Human language is very different from mine. When studying magic spells, I also had to learn some of the ancient language of our ancestors. Therefore, I know a little about how to approach my studies. The book the kind human left me with explains not only what the various words are but also how to use them. It’s a good book. I can learn a lot from it.

While studying, some thoughts run through my head. I try to push them out of my system. They’re distracting me. They’re eating away at my concentration. Eventually, I must take a small break and give in to their persistent onslaught.

“Why does Dave hate me?” I mumble out loud, putting the book next to me. I may be a kid, but I’m not stupid. Living with Daddy has taught me how to read the room. Every oh so little twitch of his expression could give away his mood. Every little gesture, no matter how faint, could tell me if there would be a beating, no matter how faint. Dave is not Daddy. But I can also read him - I can read him a little, at least.

He hates me.

I’m sure of it. The way he looks at me, the way he talks to me… There’s no other explanation. I’m despicable in his eyes. When he saw my body, he looked disgusted, like he’d seen a corpse. But… why? I understand my Daddy. He hates me because I fail to meet his expectations. He hates me because I’m weak and pathetic. But Dave… what is it that he hates about me? I didn’t hurt him, did I?

My heart feels heavy as I lie down on the sofa for a bit. I’m staring at the ceiling. The thoughts won’t stop coming. Instead, their influx only accelerates. Unless I can lock them away, they will overwhelm me soon. The memories associated with them won’t stop penetrating my fragile mind.

I hate being hated…

Hatred… It’s an emotion I’m so familiar with that more often than not, it just reflects on my outside. Right now, my armor is faulty, though. I feel its fierce effects reach all the way to my vulnerable insides. Daddy is preaching nothing but hatred. He’s treating me with nothing but hatred. And now Dave too… Why is this world so full of it? I’m tired of it. Hatred never leads to good things. Never.

My mind races now. The world would be such a better place without hatred. My life could be so much easier, too. Mommy died because of the hatred that always existed between the races. Daddy became consumed by his hatred. War broke out; my childhood broke apart. Demons and Humans alike suffer and die. The violence spirals out of control with every atrocity committed by either side.

My abduction is just the latest straw. It surely will lead to more violence again. Daddy won’t accept ransom because he won’t ever stop the war until no humans are left alive. His hatred is so intense… I’m scared of what he’ll do if we meet again…

Subconsciously, I’m beginning to pray I won’t have to return. I’m starting to feel slightly hopeful that they’d give me a place where I belong and feel at home. A place where I no longer face the burden of my heritage. A place where I can just be myself. A place I can have fun. A place I feel… loved. I know it’s just a pipe dream but… Daddy doesn’t love me. I don’t want to go back… However… this place… I don’t think…

Suddenly, I feel my chest tighten. My vision feels a little blurry. My hopes and dreams crumble. Maybe it’s foolish to assume things would get better. I’m their prisoner. I shouldn’t expect anything beyond the bare necessities. And yet… and yet… I’m so tired of cold stares. I’m tired of everyone averting their eyes. I don’t want to be cast away like something without purpose. I don’t want to return to this place where Daddy is waiting, but… this place is scary too.

Everything is tumbling and jumbling. I can’t make up my mind. I can’t accept my harsh reality. Maybe I spoke too soon. Maybe I really am a kid. A stupid, useless, and unwanted kid. I got captured by the enemy. All I ever do is cause problems for others. Now, all I do is cause problems for the people who kidnapped me, too. I hate it. I don’t want it!

A warm, tickling sensation caresses my cheek. I’m crying again, aren’t I? Come to think of it, crying is all I ever do when facing problems beyond my scope. I feel helpless. I feel sad. More tears come, and a first, uncertain sob attempts to break free. I panic. I don’t want Dave to see how broken I am.

Is he back yet?

The room remains quiet. Only my sobs are bubbling up from my chest.

Okay, just a bit then…

I reach for one of the cushions and wrap the thin blanket around me. I press the cushion to my chest. It’s the closest to a hug I can simulate. Then, I let myself go. Sobs turn to sniffles, sniffles to silent cries, and those turn into muffled weeping. I want to say that I’m in control, but I’m not. Not anymore. Why am I so messed up?

Over time, my weeping grows into a full-blown, ugly breakdown. I feel so miserable and alone. I have no one on my side, neither in my demon home nor the human realm. Everything becomes a blur as I keep going, hiding away in the depths of my blanket.

I don’t remember how long I kept going. When Dave eventually calls me over for dinner, it’s all over, though.