One bad orange

Vlatka opened the game by moving her pawn to e4 as Raĥelo responded by moving her pawn to c5.

"What an idiot, I specialize in Sicilian skeet shooting," Vlatka scoffed in her mind as she moved her knight to f3.

From board 1, Barbro gritted her teeth in fury as she watched the game play out. "Raĥelo just went d6, that's bad! I was going to be the one to face off against Vlatka, so I did all the research on her myself and know what her preferred method of execution is. E4, c5, knight f3, d6, d4, c captures d4, knight captures d4, knight f6, knight c3, a6, and g3, the Sicilian Defense: Open, Najdorf, Zagreb Variation. Every time she gets the chance to play it, she wins. That rating of hers is not a reflection of her true strength. Croatia has swaths of grandmasters, some notable ones competing here in the tournament, yet she not only fell them, but also countless others to seize complete control of Croatia. And worse, she's a coward. A filthy coward that will use any dirty trick to come out on top. I heard she used to be a celebrity before she was rightfully cancelled for committing numerous insensitive acts, but sadly she had the talent to turn the DESPER into her personal nuke."

But much to Barbro's dismay, the Zagreb variation was exactly what played out.

"What an idiot, but I like idiots that'll do what I want," Vlatka thought as Raĥelo moved her pawn to e5. "Seems she didn't get the memo; Zagreb is mine," she thought as she let loose a sadistic smile and moved her d-knight to e2.

Raĥelo wasn't worried in the slightest as she moved her bishop to e7. She truly had no reason to be as the position was dead even. The problem was Vlatka had numerous tools at her disposal to break the deadlock. Today's special; bishop e3. This attack yielded knight c6, a questionable, but not detrimental play. Bishop g2 and knight g4 were next on the itinerary, but the ride was about to get bumpy courtesy of Vlatka.

"I guess drowning yourself in Esperanto made you forget your Balkan roots, monkey. In this region, the only language is aggression!" Vlatka thought as she slammed her knight down on d5.

Raĥelo was a bit startled by the play, but ultimately countered perfectly by capturing the bishop at e3 with her knight. Vlatka captured said knight with her knight, as Raĥelo ended up refuting Vlatka's thoughts without knowing it by flipping the switch and making the aggressive move of queen to b6.

"Oh, did you read my thoughts, monkey? Like hell a monkey like you could! All this was seen by my great mind, not yours that still thinks you're descended from Alexander the great or Zamenhof. I'm going to go knight d5, you'll go queen d8, h4, then bishop e6," Vlatka thought as all the moves she foresaw played out. "Now what comes next? Do I hear a4? Of course I don't! A monkey like you would never see it coming, and never play rook c8 as a counter," she thought as she slammed her pawn down on a4.

Perhaps in a fairy tale, Raĥelo would have refuted Vlatka beautifully, but this was no fairy tail as Raĥelo moved her pawn to f5, giving Vlatka a significant leg up.

"Jo-di-lo-lej! What did I say!? That's right, stupid monkeys like you can't read my mind! You lose!" Vlatka cackled in her mind as she captured the pawn at f5 with her e-pawn.

Raĥelo swiftly captured said pawn with her bishop, but Vlatka was done poking and prodding, moving her e-knight to c3 as the first part of her victory stampede. Raĥelo castled king's side, but Vlatka quickly made her sweat by moving her knight to e4.

"That's an evil trap. I take the knight, she takes my bishop and I'm screwed. That's why... I should go knight d4," Raĥelo thought as she did just that.

"Oh... You're even stupider than I gave you credit for!" Vlatka thought as she struggled to contain her laughter while moving her pawn to c3.

Raĥelo quickly realized the trouble she was in, and in a state of panic, captured the knight at e4 with her bishop.

"And you even went back and fell into the trap I originally planted for you! How fitting of one of the stupidest races in the Balkans!" Vlatka thought as she captured the bishop at e4 with her bishop.

And at this point, Raĥelo completely collapsed. First she retreated her knight to e6, allowing Vlatka to infiltrate her king's side by moving her queen to g4. It was then Raĥelo tried to create counterplay by moving her knight to c5, but Vlatka sidestepped the attack with ease by moving her bishop to c2. Now back on the defense, Raĥelo moved her pawn to g6 in hopes of stopping any potential mate threats, but all that did was prompt Vlatka to shift her attention to the queen's side and move her pawn to b4, attacking the knight. The knight ran scared to d7 as Vlatka advanced her pawn to h5. The rope was beginning to tighten around Raĥelo's neck.

"No, I won't let you beat me!" Raĥelo thought as she moved her pawn to g5.

"Monkey... Care to enlighten me as to how stupid you are?" Vlatka sneered aloud as she moved her queen to e6.

Raĥelo's eyes widened as her jaw began to drop. This wasn't in shock though, but rather rage. "The nerve of her to utter such racist filth before me!" she thought as she slammed her rook down on f7.

"Oh I'm sorry, did I not say check? Well here's another one, so take double the check, no money included!" Vlatka cackled as she captured the pawn at h7 with her bishop.

In that instant, all the rage Raĥelo had built up was deflated with soul crushing frustration. "No... I can't capture the bishop. If I do, it's a straight path to mate! And she insulted me knowing full well this was coming... I hate her... She's vile! But... what am I supposed to do!? That leaves me three spaces to move, but which one is the best!? If I fall to this bitch, the others might get demoralized. Ngh..."

Poor Raĥelo thought long and hard for a good 20 minutes before finally moving her king to f8.

"Well you kept me waiting. You think I like waiting around for monkeys to digest their slop and shit it back out? You want me to burn your ass with a branding rod too?" Vlatka thought as she scowled and moved her bishop to g6.

Raĥelo began to tremble as she moved her rook to f3.

"Oh, just kidding. It's worth the time if all of it was comprised of your suffering. Nothing like watching a monkey slowly die through idiocrasy," Vlatka thought as her sneering smile returned while she moved her pawn to h6.

Barbro looked over and scowled as she watched Raĥelo move her rook to c8. She knew this meant Raĥelo's fate was sealed.

"And one for us, now how shall I torture the monkey?" Vlatka thought as she moved her bishop to e4.

The answer came in the form of Raĥelo moving her rook to f6 in one last ditch effort to create counterplay.

"That way then? My, I should applaud your "brilliancy". You'll win a queen from me now," Vlatka mockingly thought as she moved her pawn to h7.

Tears began to well up in Raĥelo's eyes as she moved her king to g7. She could tell things were looking dire from her. "I'm sorry. I'm going to ruin the morale..."

"Jodi-lo-le, ta-ra-lo-di-lo-di-le-ej! Jodi-lo-le, ta-ra-lo-di-lo-di-le-ej! Jodi-lo-le, ta-ra-lo-di-lo-di-le-ej! Jodi-lo-le, ta-ra-lo-di-lo-di-le-ej!" Vlatka sang as she moved her pawn to h8 and promoted it to a queen.

All eyes turned to Vlatka, but the ones that glared the fiercest at her were those of the Paeonians, especially Raĥelo.

"Vi malnobla abomena hundino. Vi vere vivas kaj spiras per via propra egoo, ĉu ne!? Nu fiku vin! Mi ne lasas vin transformi ĉi tion en vian propran egoan koncerton [You vile disgusting bitch. You really live and breath by your own ego, don't you!? Well fuck you! I'm not letting you turn this into your own personal ego concert]!" Raĥelo shouted aloud as she captured the queen at h8 with her queen.

But a concert was exactly what she was going to get as the members of the Croatian mens team strolled over and began singing along with Vlatka as she grabbed her queen and began to dance and sing. "Oj, divojko, jabuko rumena. Parim da te, ma, naranča rodila. Nije mene naranča rodila. Za goru me je mat moja rodila [O, girl, you blushing apple, it seems to me that you, oh, were born by an orange. I wasn't given birth by an orange, Beyond the mountain my mother gave birth to me]," she sang before capturing the bishop at e7 with her queen. "Jodi-lo-le, ta-ra-lo-di-lo-di-le-ej! Jodi-lo-le, ta-ra-lo-di-lo-di-le-ej! Jodi-lo-le, ta-ra-lo-di-lo-di-le-ej! Jodi-lo-le, ta-ra-lo-di-lo-di-le-ej!"

Raĥelo gritted her teeth in fury. "You use your opportunity to talk during checks to mock me with a song and dance!? I won't allow it any further!" she thought as she moved her rook to f7.

"Bura mi je ziparinka bila Zipjuć me je va morje stavjala. Mornari me va mrižu lovili. Prodali me biloj Katarini [Cold bora was my cradle, she put me into the sea while swaying me. Sailors caught me with their net. They sold me to white Catherine]. Jodi-lo-le, ta-ra-lo-di-lo-di-le-ej! Jodi-lo-le, ta-ra-lo-di-lo-di-le-ej! Jodi-lo-le, ta-ra-lo-di-lo-di-le-ej! Jodi-lo-le, ta-ra-lo-di-lo-di-le-ej!" Vlatka sang before capturing the pawn at g5 with her queen.

Raĥelo was reaching her breaking point. Enough, I-"

"Katarina dobra žena bila. Ka je mene ma bilu odgojila. Z bilim kruhom i crljenim vinom. Z bilim kruhom i crljenim vinom. Z bilim kruhom i crljenim vinom [Catherine was a good woman, who had raised, oh, white me. On white bread and red wine. On white bread and red wine. On white bread and red wine]."

The pressure from Vlatka's performance instantly crushed Raĥelo forcing her into submission. She wanted to resign, but instead of reaching to stop the clock, she instead made her only legal move of king to f8.

Vlatka maniacally smiled as she grabbed her rook and lept atop the table. "Jodi-lo-le, ta-ra-lo-di-lo-di-le-ej! Jodi-lo-le, ta-ra-lo-di-lo-di-le-ej! Jodi-lo-le, ta-ra-lo-di-lo-di-le-ej! Jodi-lo-le, ta-ra. Jodi-lo-le, ta-ra-lo-di-lo-di-le-ej! Jodi-lo-le, ta-ra-lo-di-lo-di-le-ej! Jodi-lo-le, ta-ra-lo-di-lo-di-le-ej! Jodi-lo-le, ta-ra. Oh look, that's checkmate. Ma-lo-di-lo-di-le-ej!" she sang as she captured the queen at h8 with her rook, winning the game.

Croatia now led the match 1-0, but this was only the beginning. While fury had been rekindled in the Paeonians, the match was far from over.

"Now how quickly will the rest of them fall?" Vlatka thought to herself.

The full game:

White: Vlatka Jurkovič (2094) Black: Raĥelo Janjo (1859)

1. e4 c5

2. Nf3 d6

3. d4 cxd4

4. Nxd4 Nf6

5. Nc3 a6

6. g3 e5

7. Nde2 Be7

8. Be3 Nc6

9. Bg2 Ng4

10. Nd5 Nxe3

11. Nxe3 Qb6

12. Nd5 Qd8

13. h4 Be6

14. a4 f5

15. exf5 Bxf5

16. Nec3 O-O

17. Ne4 Nd4

18. c3 Bxe4

19. Bxe4 Ne6

20. Qg4 Nc5

21. Bc2 g6

22. b4 Nd7

23. h5 g5

24. Qe6+ Rf7

25. Bxh7+ Kf8

26. Bg6 Rf3

27. h6 Rc8

28. Be4 Rf6

29. h7 Kg7

30. h8=Q+ Qxh8

31. Qxe7+ Rf7

32. Qxg5+ Kf8

33. Rxh8#