Why I Push Forward

My heart closed up a long time ago. But judging by how it was currently beating out of my chest, you would have never guessed though.

Thumpthumpthump.

Now, don’t get me wrong, that isn’t to say that I don’t have emotions to begin with; that would be far, far too wrong at this point in time. But maybe those locks I had hidden everything behind were finally showing their age. Rusted chains and cracked metal creating shards that dug deep into every crevice. I just wanted it all to end.

Even if my skin boiling said otherwise, I was still colder than ice. Hell, I could even see my own breath amongst the thin dark red film shielding my vision.

What was the point of saving face, Father? Where did it lead you to, Mother? What good would it do for me?

Hoshino Bakery was dead. A failure of a mom and pop shop that was handed down from family member to family member, beloved by some, unknown to most. Mother just couldn’t accept that. It just had to be the greatest thing known to man. That’s what led to me.

The ultimate saving grace, the one who would fix everything one day. A strong, dependable, stoic leader—not just any child, their child. Everything was resting on my shoulders like I had any clue of what was happening but I still had to do something. They were family.

Did they see me the same way?

Thumpthumpthump.

My stomach was practically turning inside out. God, the whole situation was so gross. Now wasn’t the time to think about the shop. I knew that. But the more I tried to avert my attention, the more things came to mind. What happened to helping Dee out? Saving Granny?

Jagged shards of glass pooled around my feet.

I craned my neck to the right. Dee rubbed my back while she mumbled under her breath. On the other side was Yuu, kneeling beside me and grabbing my shoulders as tears streamed down her face.

“Listen to me, dear. Please,” she said, stifling her cries. Her upper lip quivered as she raised her head and looked me dead in the eyes. “I shouldn’t have hidden the truth from you, and for that I’m truly sorry. It isn’t fair to tell you to calm down, I know, but direct that feeling at the cause. Me. Don’t go through with this.”

Seeing her in such a vulnerable state as she tried to maintain her composure— blinking away any tears that still remained in her eyes only for more to appear immediately, steadying her breath for all of a few seconds before it would hitch, and tightening her grip on me as if that would stop her from trembling— for some reason or another, it all reminded me of earlier this morning. When Yuu answered my question about what being an angel meant to her, and I said that I was the mature one out of the two of us— I could admit that it was something said in bad faith.

The incident with that soda. I was embarrassed over the possibility of being seen doing something dumb and just had to play a stupid prank. Like a child.

The White Wings Cafe— The…White Wings Cafe? A slip up. There was no reason to think about that right now. Disgusting.

The most recent example wasn’t too long ago. When Yuu sacrificed herself right before we came across Dee despite my pleas, combined with the fact that she had been lying to me. An overwhelming feeling to get even with her had been lurking this entire time.

Part of me knew. Deep down in my heart, I always knew that maturity was something that was just out of my grasp.

After all, I was the most spiteful person that I knew.

“You can’t.” Yuu’s voice cracked, seemingly too strained to yell.

Even if it hurt me to see her that way, if I was going ever going to be true to myself, I needed to push through.

I took a deep breath. The glass shards soon made its way up my leg, crackling as they scraped against each other. Eventually, I was swallowed whole.

As I drew my next breath and my surroundings changed around me, I found myself within my World of Glass. For the first time since I’ve been aware of the existence of my Labyrinth, a wall stood firmly behind me.

A deep rumbling jolted me forward as the wall shook in place and tiny specks fell into my hair. Over and over, it continued to be struck as the realization slowly but surely settled in.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, leaning backward and closing my eyes. Unfortunately, it wasn’t long until they shot open at the sound of both my parents voices.

“Excellent, Shiro Hoshino! Simply excellent, you’ve gone above any and all expectations. Rest assured, you’ve made the right choice. “

Before me stood that mimic creature, hand extended to me just like in my dreams. I wanted to say that she was ecstatic, but judging by the way her mismatched lips extended in different directions and her stitches popping at the seams, I couldn’t be certain what emotion she was feeling.

As she continued to speak, I caught a glimpse of my reflection on the floor and found that I didn’t recognize the person staring back at me. Glowing silver eyes replaced the red ones I was so accustomed to, with a glowing red tint right in the center. My eye bags had vanished, and my usually tired, droopy eyes stared back at me wildly. I couldn’t rest them. I felt wide awake and all too aware.

It was off-putting to say the least. I rapidly touched and pulled at my face to verify what I was seeing before raising my head to the mimic creature.

A stitch burst on her left side of her lip and blood stained her pure white body.

“Now, let's not get ahead of ourselves. You are far too inexperienced to be left by yourself! This by itself isn’t a sin but if you want to save anyone, you need proper guidance.” She vaguely gestured to her open palm. “Take my hand. With it, an utmost wonderful contract will be made. I’ll be the sky you can shine brightly in, and the horrid reality you’ve lived through will become nothing more than a rejected afterthought. Live as the hero you’ve always wanted to be. Shiro Hoshino, to me now!”

Thumpthumpthump. Thumpthumpthump.

My footsteps were heavy, almost as if they had cinder blocks tied to them. Slow, but they had purpose. The exact opposite to the beat of my heart. With every careful step, it sounded for at least three or four.

I always thought that if that was the case, I’d be scared that I was dying but ironically enough I never felt more alive. Even cloud nine wouldn’t be able to describe the ground I was walking on.

I grinned as I approached but that turned into a full smile soon enough. Reaching a hand out, I looked where her eyes should be. Our fingertips brushed. Her sockets widened as another stitch snapped in two.

Yet, that’s as far as I would go.

Planting my feet and pivoting, I slammed into her. Any sense of weight must have been transferred over because when the mimic fell, she crashed to the floor like a load of bricks. Glass shards began to consume her body as she found that she could no longer move.

“Get the hell out of my way, freak,” I said through clenched teeth.

The anger didn’t last. No, there was no way it could have. I gripped my shirt. Seeing her struggle, my heart played such a thunderous beat that I swore it shook the very ground I walked upon. The only thing I could do was laugh.

Laugh at the way she tried to free herself only to find it was an impossible task.

Laugh at the thought of ever playing nice with someone who said nothing but the worst to me.

Laugh. Laugh. Laugh.

“I said that I’m living the way that I want, remember? The only thing that I reject in this world is you!”

“You ungrateful husk!” she hissed as she swiped at me. Her arm stiffened as the shards got to it. “That’s all you will ever be. An ignorant puppet who only know how to live when someone else is pulling on her strings—“

“Keep my parents' voices out of your mouth. I’m tired of you soiling them even more than they did. I don’t want to hear it.”

“They were the only thing keeping you alive in the first place. Purpose, structure, a perfect path to walk on, they gave you literally everything!” she said.

“It’s what they wanted, not me.”

“And what did you do? You ruined it, all you did was make them worry constantly. Nothing you did was ever—“

“Good enough. My friends. The schools I went to. My grades. Nothing I did was good enough.” I brushed some of my hair off to the side. “I wasn’t good enough. You know, I ran my mouth about starting this stupid cafe since I was a kid but even if I loved the idea, I knew it was all just talk.”

When they passed away a few months back, and the time came to put those words into action, I found that I couldn’t move an inch. The thought of being a failure was too much for me to bear. I went through with all the renovations but deep down I always knew that this would be something that was dead on arrival. Once high school came, going to class, and pretending that I was making progress in my own way was the only thing that I had in mind.

I would just continue to delude myself to make myself feel better.

“But…so many amazing people entered my life and all the missing pieces started to come together. A name was chosen, I came up with a gimmick that means something to me, even a ridiculous deadline was set. So, I hate to say it but I agree with you about something.”

“And what could that possibly be?”

“I know that I’ve been nothing but a puppet so far. But they just passed. It’s been a few months. I’m…I’m not strong enough to take hold of those strings yet. I just can’t. But if I stop now, I won’t be able to start moving again.” Despite my body telling me otherwise, my vision blurred as tears welled up. I blinked them away as quickly as they came.

Her mother still fresh on my mind, I couldn’t help but relate to Granny’s situation.

“I know that I’ll lose myself to my grief, that I’ll really become hollow,” I said, “That’s why I’m going to create the greatest cafe this town has ever seen. If this is a hotspot for people like me and Granny, then I’ll try my best to help them out. Hear them out, comfort them, all of that. That’s the business that I want to run.”

“It’s still all just talk. What happens after this? Have you even considered your plans for when you actually start working?”

“I’m only sixteen. I’m sure I’ll figure it out.”

Turning my back to the petrified creature, I shoved my hands in my pockets and began to walk toward that burning smell as my vision continued to blur. Though, I didn’t get too far before stopping and hearing her out.

“Dimwit, failure, worthless good-for-nothing puppet!” Even as she was being pulled into the depths of the Labyrinth, hopefully to never be seen again, she still found a way to berate me. Eventually, the only thing not covered in shards were those mismatched lips of hers. “Bland, boring, husk of a human being. You dare tell me not to use those voices? You don’t have the right, you murderer!”

My stomach dropped the second she uttered the words but the feeling didn’t linger as I steeled myself.

“You don't have to scream it, you know,” I said, “I’m aware that I’ll carry these sins until the day that I die.”

This morning, Yuu confirmed that angels were eternal beings. But I couldn’t help but feel that I could never accept that kind of responsibility. That’s why once Hoshino Bakery is completely erased and the cafe of my dreams is in a good enough state, I’ll gladly meet them in Hell and have that conversation I never got the chance to.

And if I meet my end before then, so be it.

The Labyrinth finally consumed the creature as the ground adjusted itself to be free of any unnatural bumps.

“Yuu Tsubasa, Aya Watanabe, Eli Nishimoto, and the cafe created out of both love and spite: White Wings Cafe.” I dried my tears and looked down at the mimic creature. At least, where she used to be. “Yeah, I get it now. That’s why I push forward.”

Even with the creature gone, the smell of burning hadn’t disappeared with her. In the distance was a cloud of gray smoke shooting up into the sky. I trekked my way toward it, barely able to swallow with the lump in my throat.

After a little bit of walking, the glass at my feet soon turned into fresh long uncut grass which tickled my shins. A lone house was up in flames on the horizon, smoke pouring out of all the open windows and dispersing into the air. I knew it. The root of that stupid smell had finally reared its ugly head. As I reached the front of the building, I found that a large crowd of my former neighbors had gathered. The sounds of their murmurs against the roaring of the fire overwhelmed my senses.

“Wait, aren’t there still people inside?” An older lady asked, covering her mouth. She went back into her husband's embrace before going back to mumbling.

“I heard from one of the firefighters that a stove was left on,” another gentleman muttered. “Truly, what a shame.”

I shouldered through the crowd but none of them reacted. Only their conversations mattered. It was as if I didn’t even exist in the first place.

As I got to the doorway that had black smoke coming out from the bottom and reached for the handle, I hesitated a bit. It was my World of Glass, sure. That didn’t change the fact that I was still dealing with fire here. Still, as my heartbeat resounded, the fear that would usually have me running in the opposite direction seemingly dulled.

Labyrinths were really something else.

Ultimately, I turned the door handle and entered my old childhood home for the first time in months. The flames died down the second I entered and although a lot of it was charred or destroyed, I still recognized my old living room. From the thick older TV Father had me record the latest episode of his sitcom on, to the auburn couch that Mother had us use towels when sitting on to avoid getting it too dirty—this also held a special place in my heart.

Not too far from the front door was that younger version of me, kneeling with the same black cloak thrown off to the side. She held the necklace firmly in her hands and when I went to take another step, she immediately pulled away and flinched.

I sighed and rubbed the back of my neck. My hair had been cut long before the fire happened, so honestly what gives? Nonetheless, I needed to get through to her. Getting on her level, I put a hand on her shoulder.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” I asked.

She looked around the room before lowering her head. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I just got my acceptance letter to Miyafuji Academy so I decided to bake some sweets to celebrate with Mom and Papa…I was studying my butt off for such a long time so I could see Senpai again so my sleep has been pretty crappy. She doesn’t even pick up my calls anymore. I really, really tried my best to stay up and get them done but…”

“It didn’t turn out too well, huh?”

“Yeah…” she scooted forward as her smile widened. “But it’s ok now though, right? I mean, you’re here so that means they both got out just fine!”

I looked away for a second before returning a grin. “Course they are. They’re just on a trip for a little bit. Like how Granny went to Germany, remember?”

“Oh, I get it! That sounds like so much fun.”

“And when the cafe is up and running and so many people visit that it makes your head spin then we can go. Just the two of us.”

The younger me’s eyes shined as she covered her mouth with both hands. “Really, really?! So cool, wow! Wait, does that mean Mom said it was ok to do my cafe?”

“Mother—“ she looked at me like my head was upside down. Right, no need to be so formal with her. She didn’t understand anyway. Putting on my best Aya impression, I pressed my hands together and gave her a quick wink. “Mom…would freak if she ever heard anything about that. Let’s not talk about it in front of her, ok?”

Deflating and puffing her cheeks out, she crossed her arms but this disappointment didn’t last very long.

“That’s what I thought though…Gosh, she’s so strict. “ Her eyes widened. “Oh! I asked you before but you never answered. Do you remember?”

“That’s a very vague question, you know that right?”

“Like, about our dream!”

I raised an eyebrow. “The…cafe? I could have sworn I said it a few times before.”

“Nope, you’ve only got one half of it. Our real dream can only happen if we open up the greatest cafe ever.”

“This is news to me. Shoot.”

With complete and utter sincerity, she reminded me of a dream I had long since forgotten. One that wasn't worth repeating out loud. Honestly, how did children have no shame?

Two glass hands shot up from the ground and covered my blushing face. How could I have thought of something that embarrassing?

After a while, I laughed it off as the hands broke apart and disappeared. “I-I’ll add that to my bucket list too, I guess. If I’m going to do anything, I have to take the necklace back. ”

“I mean…it’s not the worst in here.”

“And what about Granny?”

“Well…”

“She’s suffered enough. While there’s nothing to save, maybe I can comfort her instead. No matter what, it all starts with leaving these Labyrinths behind.”

She held Granny’s necklace close to her chest as her eyes narrowed. “That’s no fair. Besides, that monster person had an ok point. We can accomplish all of our dreams and then some if we just stayed right here! There’s no messing up here!”

“Then why did you wait for me?”

“Well…I dunno. It’s not wrong to live in your own world, right? To be anyone but yourself, even for just a little bit.”

Without hesitation I pulled her into the tightest embrace I could manage. She was surprised at first but soon calmed down, leaving her arms draped at her sides.

“I know you’re hurting right now,” I whispered. “You should really stop trying to convince me though. If you don’t, I’ll seriously start considering leaving everything behind.”

“You’re saying I’m good at convincing?”

“I’m not the type to compliment myself.” Ruffling her hair in the rough and annoying way that I hate, I said, “Besides, I could never just live here. I have people waiting on my safe return.”

The younger me squirmed around as she continued to huff. “Gosh, you’re acting just like Senpai! Such a pain, buzz off.”

Once she eventually broke free, she dusted herself off and teasingly glared at me. Holding the necklace in front of her, that glare soon turned into a wide toothy smile.

“You got friends waiting? Let’s not keep them for too long then!”

The necklace dropped into my hands and the stinging smell of smoke disappeared for good along with it. Even the kid was nowhere to be seen. I never got the chance to fully say goodbye before my old home shattered into pieces, returning me back to my World of Glass. Although, it looked a bit different.

Various snapshots of different points in Granny’s life were divided unevenly amongst the shards. They were nothing more than a few seconds long from her point of view and played on repeat. All the time she and Dee spent together, rehearsing her ballet performances over and over again. How they smiled and cried together, played and fought. Every walk with her parents, all the home cooked meals with her mother. Even the frustration and stress after the passing of her parents was there.

Senseless chatter filled the air as every moment from her 73 year life played at the same time. Everything. It all ebbed and flowed into me.

Our Labyrinths had somehow merged together.

Confused and dazed, Eli Nishimoto stood before me as she looked around with wide surprised eyes. Judging by the way she frantically looked around and her scar being in her rightful place, I was certain this was the real one. This was the actual Granny at last.

Even with all the noise and moving parts, she still managed to lock eyes with me and was relieved instantly. Almost as if seeing someone familiar was enough to make everything better.

“Oh my. You’re…Shiro?” Her voice was still clear as day as she put a hand to her face. “Shiro Hoshino? Just what on Earth are you doing here, little one? My goodness, your eyes they’re— different.“

The ground began to shatter as certain memories disappeared around us. It seemed that this merge was only a temporary thing. There were a thousand things I wanted to say to her, many apologies that I needed to give.

“Granny I—“

I had to bite my tongue. In reality, none of those things mattered at the moment.

“You better not regret anything you do from here on out either…In other words— Do what brings you the most joy.”

“What is it? You’re not hurt, are you?”

I shook my head. “No, I’m alright. It’s not about me though. Dee misses you so much Granny, more than anything.”

“How do you know about Dee-Dee? I didn’t tell you about her. She’s not even…real.” Granny blinked in disbelief. Taken aback by her own words, she took a step back. “How could she be here…after all this time? ”

Before anything else could be said, the Labyrinth completely shattered as I was flung backward. Glass fell from above but as it hit the ground, the surrounding area morphed back into Aya’s home. My head slammed into something hard as I hissed in pain. While it stung and didn’t immediately fade away like it would have only moments ago, the distinct ticking of the grandfather clock was enough for me to ignore it a thousand times over.

The hairs on the back of my neck stood to attention.

Scrambling to check all of my pockets, I pulled out my phone and turned it on as fast as I could. As the bright screen hurt my eyes, I dropped it onto my chest the second I got to the lock screen and covered my face. Thank god. All the air left my lungs as I trembled, almost not believing what I saw.

The time was 3:34pm at last.