Acclimatization ✧ 1

I tossed and turned the whole night. I had so many things to think about—thoughts that fought each other, attempting for dominance in my mind. Each of them claimed to be the priority, causing extreme discomfort in my system. The fact that some of these thoughts were of a positive nature did not help in the slightest, but just made things more chaotic and difficult to handle. Even Mimi was unable to soothe me.

I wanted to suffocate myself under my pillow so they would just stop. I knew I needed rest, some sleep would set me right. To our dismay, all I could do was to let the thoughts run havoc.

“Mimi… which section of the thoughts should I mention first…”

“The feelings you had suppressed all these years about being an Aberrant?”

“... are you really going to make me start from that.”

“Hey, you were the one who asked me the question of what to talk about first. Here you go.”

She was right. Somehow, the events of the day had made many suppressed feelings inside me about being an Aberrant erupt like a volcano. It was not easy being one. Do forgive my brash honesty, dear Reader, but I was lonely as hell. Objectively inspecting that feeling would reveal that most of it was caused by my Aberrance.

I would not trade Mimi for the world. But did I—we—deserve to be so outcasted just because of the way we were born?

And then, the accumulated memories of the day would come flooding in. The beauty of everyone dancing. The freedom I felt singing my heart out, not caring whoever happened to see it. The Aberrants’ performances watched intently with admiring eyes all over. That sense of finally belonging… Learning that there were people just like me out there…

Director Emery’s offer.

Yes, that was another topic of the sleepless night headlines. An offer that seemingly came at the perfect timing, as we had anything else in particular to do. I had no further education plans, nor a job that limited my freedom at the moment. I loved to meet new people, and these people would be fellow Aberrants. Even Mimi, who usually kept to herself, was looking so positively at this new prospect.

Then why was I so damn hesitant?

I searched deep inside me for the answer, and suddenly it dawned on me.

I was scared to find out that I was indeed not needed anywhere.

Just think about it, The Aberrants' Circus: a place where people showcased their brilliant, unique abilities. I had nothing like it. Sure, me and Mimi both possessed some nice qualities, as did everyone else in the world. But they were nothing worth showing off in front of an audience.

Wouldn't joining them mean that I would have to face the harsh truth of not being anything special, and not having any use to anyone? The comparison to such amazing people would be a direct reality check.

Nilsu… even that moment of her in front of the Director was mesmerizing without any doubts attached to it. Such a unique, beautiful voice. She would fit right in the show. All eyes would be on her—she had what it takes to inspire the audience. Not me.

Not me, not us.

Mimi would grumble every time I thought of Nilsu. She really didn't have a good first impression of her, especially after her sudden unexplainable cold attitude.

“Stop thinking about Nilsu, she has nothing to do with our plans. And don't you dare say ‘not me, not us’. If you'd just listen to me. We have plenty good going on for us.”

“... like what.”

“Finally decided that you're going to listen to me? Thanks. Look, get this in your head first: you don't have to be on the performer side of things.”

“...”

“You are better at communication than you think. You can handle advertising matters, and I can handle things backstage. I am strong. I am capable. I can build props. And those are just things that came into my mind right away. If we just get some sleep in, we can think more clearly tomorrow. Yes?”

Her words dissipated a considerable portion of my worries. She was right. While it would be a bit of an extreme example due to her incomparable high status; it's not like Director Emery was also a performer, yet she was a crucial part of the team. The lightworks crew, the sound crew, all the people that helped form the show… surely, I could find a place within them.

I remembered the pretty girl who was handling the tickets. If nothing else, I could totally handle such a task. And while it was regrettable that our Aberrance wasn't anything performance worthy, it actually unlocked many more tasks we could do, just like Mimi put it. It would be as if Director Emery had hired two people.

“Hey, ya think we could ask for the salary of two people?”

“Mimi, let's just prove ourselves to be worthy first…”

“Just thinking out loud, heh. Well, feeling any better now?”

While my worries had definitely lessened about the topic of roles and skills, I just couldn't find a satisfactory conclusion about the topic of Nilsu’s cold parting. Was it my misunderstanding that we had become friends? Did our shared conversations and memories of the day mean nothing to her?

I didn't know which was worse, if the moments meant nothing to her in the first place or if I had ruined this budding friendship somehow, without even realizing.

Had I offended her in any way? I tended to do that with my communication with people, no matter how much I tried to keep myself in check. I'd think I was talking just normally but the next times I'd find that they had lost interest in me altogether.

However, something told me that it wasn't the case this time. What was it, though? I had no way of knowing that.

“Rai. While I'd say she has no business with us, it's true that you two would be coworkers if she were to join the circus as well. I understand wanting to keep things amicable. Either way, you can clear things up with her next time we see her.”

“But I don't just wanna be amicable with herrr… I wanted to be close, to be friends…”

I whined as I squeezed the blanket wrapping my body.*

“I mean, I know that beggars don't get to be choosers, but still I'd like to suggest that her behavior wasn't exactly giving ideal friend material.”

She was such a sweetheart, though… Her eyes held no malice throughout the day, plus why would she pass on the chance of receiving tickets for free if she were of a bad character? Surely I had done something wrong.

Surely.

I held my blanket even more tightly and gritted my teeth. Ruining something before it even began was such a me thing to do.

“Yeah, so please sleep before you ruin the chances of us getting in the circus as well, will you.”

Meanie… I furrowed my eyebrows.

“You know what… maybe I am not all that cool with being an Aberrant, if you're going to be talking like this.”

“Alright then, enjoy doing the chores and physical tasks on your own.”

“Hah, fine. And it will be you who has to handle all social interactions and any tedious mental tasks. Good luck you doofus.”

Complete mental silence, a rare moment between us.

What followed the silence were our amused sounds of laughter. We could never have a serious fight, not when we had so much love between us.

This sweet tension had, perhaps a bit unexpectedly, soothed my nerves. Before I realized, the morning chirps of birds had entered my ears.

I fluttered my eyes open. I couldn't believe the sunshine sweeping from the windows.

“No way… So I fell asleep after all?”

“...why are you saying that as if that's a bad thing… Close your eyes Rai. Five more minutes please.”

Not feeling ready for the day to unfold just yet, I complied with her request.