Bearffalo Wild Wings Sucks

Gunshots rang out in the distance, as conflict was escalating between the bear people and the cockroaches. Both Jethro and I remained on the roof of the brick building still dressed as bears, contemplating our next move.

"With the beary bandits preoccupied with those roaches, now's our chance to find that alien." Jethro set his map on the ground. "I know we got detoured, but currently we're on the eastern edge of the city." He circled our new location in blue marker. "If we head west it should be a relatively straight shot from here."

"What are we waiting for then? The roaches have already passed." I responded.

With a smirk on his face, Jethro reached into his duffle bag. "Just in case we run into any trouble on the way, I have a toy I've been just waiting to try out." From the bag, he pulled an army green flamethrower with a shark face painted on the sides of it.

"So you're planning to burn your way through anything that gets in our path... Do I finally get a weapon?" Considering all I had was an airsoft gun mounted to me, I hoped at the very least he'd upgrade me to a .22LR pistol.

Without hesitation, he immediately shot me down. "Nice try, alien, but that's never happening. As soon as we found your companion, you'd probably shoot me in the back and beam up into your UFO."

It was worth a try.

With the swarm of roaches, as well as those bear weirdos past us, we made our way back to the ground level, back out into the sandy streets of the city.

"Stay close, alien. We shouldn't let our guard-..." He suddenly jumped, slightly frightened, as a metal trash can beside him rustled. "What the…?" He immediately kicked it as hard as he could, causing it to tumble onto its side. As the lid flung off, it revealed a guy dressed as a Tibetan blue bear...

The bear guy looked up at us, trembling in fear. "I wasn't bearserting or anything... I was...uh... making a tactical beartreat."

Jethro aimed his flamethrower at him. "Sorry to inform you, but I'm not one of your bear buddies. Maybe if you cooperate, I won't turn you into a roasted bear."

"B-but Papa Bear will get beary angry if I beartray him." The bear guy stammered.

Jethro huffed. "I really want to keep the violence at a PG level, but if you don't start answering my questions, things are going to get PG-13 really quick."

On the verge of tears, he finally cracked. "O-okay, I'll talk! What bearformation do you want?"

Jethro immediately cut to the chase. "The alien, where is he?"

"...alien?" He stared blankly with a confused look.

"Yes the alien, where are you keeping him!?" Jethro shouted in his face.

"I-I don't know. If they're a prisoner, bear probably being worked at the Great Bearamid."

Jethro shook his head, as he suddenly became more intense. "You bearstards!" He kicked the trash can, which the bear guy was still in. "Where the heck is this pyramid located!?"

The bear guy whimpered. "It's just north of the state capitol building, right next door to a Bearffalo Wild Wings."

"That's all I needed to hear." Jethro,. without warning, pulled out his taser and zapped the bear guy in the neck until he was unconscious. He then turned toward me with a glare. "You alien scum! You're working with these bears, aren't you!"

"Why the heck would I be working with these freaks?" I had no idea what he was getting at or why the heck he was so triggered by pyramids.

"Don't play stupid with me!" He kicked the trash can with the unconscious bear guy still in it again. "Everyone knows pyramids are intergalactic beacons for aliens. These bears are obviously trying to send a signal to your fleet."

"Whatever you've been smoking, I want some." I smuggly snapped back.

With the button of the detonator exposed, he held it up in the palm of his hand. "Give me a good reason why I shouldn't blow you up right now!"

I froze, not daring to move an inch. "Let's not be too hasty, Jethro. You don't want to end up blowing us both up."

"I'm completely prepared to do that if it means saving the world." His thumb twitched as he hovered it over the button.

It was obvious that he’s watched too many episodes of a certain alien history show. If this schizo conspiracy theorist wasn't going to listen to logic, I was going to have to revert to my secret weapon... Lying!

"Alright... I'll tell you the truth... My group of aliens is at war with another group of aliens called the...uh...bad aliens. These bear people are probably working with them."

Taking his finger away from the button, he gave me a skeptical gaze. "So you're telling me that there's another group of aliens?"

"Yep." I answered with complete confidence in order to fully sell my lie.

"I suppose that makes sense... but don't think I'm letting my guard down. For all I know, you could be leading me into a trap." He placed the detonator back into his pocket.

I sighed an audible sound of relief. I was safe from getting blown up for the time being. Without saying another word, Jethro once again led the way to our next destination as I followed along.

👽👽👽

(Thirty minutes earlier...)

"Faster, lazy bear!" Red panda guy scolded me for probably the hundredth time today.

I stumbled through the dining room of the Bearffalo Wild Wings sports bar, struggling to hold up a platter of chicken wings. Both my arms and legs were completely shot after being forced to carry limestone all day long. Now that it was night, the bear people were forcing us to work as servers, while they ate and drank.

"He's your or-." My knees suddenly buckled from fatigue and I collapsed to the ground. A barrage of hot wings flew across the room, hitting my bear overseers who were sitting across the bar counter.

Red panda guy shot up from his bar stool. "I bear, this one's been nothing but probearlems all day!" He stomped over to me with his cattle prod in hand. "If you keep this up, you're not going to last here beary much longer."

Powering on his cattle prod, he prepared to zap me. I braced myself, knowing what was coming... "What the heck is going on out bear?" He turned his head toward a set of windows, suddenly distracted. The sound of sirens rang out.

One of the bear people sitting beside him, pulled a portable radio from his pocket and turned it on. "This is a bearmergency bearoadcast... We... Under bearttack... Bugs... Protect... All costs..." There was so much static, hardly any of the words being spoken could be made out.

Seeming uneasy, the red panda guy pulled a bulky revolver with an oversized barrel from his pocket and started pointing it around the room at all the prisoners. "Everybeardy get bearhind the counter, now!"

Not wanting to get shot, everyone cooperatively filed behind the bar... I, however, was suddenly singled out. "Lazy bear, stay right bear."

"Wh-what is it boss?" A sense of uneasiness welled up in me, as every bear person in the room's expressions became flat and cold.

The red panda guy pointed his revolver at my head. "I'm sorry, but you're nothing, but a liabearity."

My eyes started to tear up from fear. "C-come on. I know you had to electrocute me probably a hundred times today, but I was starting to think we were getting to be pretty good friends."

He sighed, "You really aren't beary smart, are you?"

As he pulled the hammer of the pistol back, I squeezed my watery eyes shut, preparing for my untimely end...

"Bearwell-."

There was a sudden crashing noise, as the windows of the Bearffalo Wild Wings shattered. A dark wave of cockroaches flooded in. The other prisoners attempted to make a run for it, while the bear people pulled their guns and began opening fire. Neither of these attempts were to any avail. Sweeping through the sports bar, the mass of roaches scooped up everything in its path. As I curled up in a ball on the ground, wrapped in my security blanket, I could feel a river of insects scurrying over me. I held my breath in fear that if I were to open my mouth, I'd accidentally swallow one and get some weird disease.

The tidal wave of roaches lasted for at least 5 minutes, until to my surprise, they left me untouched. Unfortunately for everyone else in the room, they weren't so lucky.

As much as I wanted to sit and contemplate what just happened, I needed to focus. This was the perfect opportunity to finally escape. I wasn't sure exactly where to go, but anywhere had to be better than here…