Ukeireru

Despair worked like the unwanted seed of a pest. Winds and unseen circumstances could blow it into the finest, most well-guarded garden. If that seed went unnoticed, it could fester and take root, slowly spreading until its foundation was fully dug into the welcoming soil. If left alone, the weed would multiply and spread, and in an instant, it could overwhelm what was once beautiful and tended into an unkempt, uncontrollable waste. The seeds of despair were present in all of the friends, and in all of the world, for that matter. Riku’s mind, so full of years of embarrassment and self-hate, had become the perfect soil for those seeds to spread with ferocious speed.

As he uttered the words in acceptance, a sense of relief washed over him. He had spent years wrestling with living, and The Calamity’s arrival had slowly chipped away at any reserves of strength. Now, laying there in the bed while his friends had drifted around him, his heart had finally given out. Release from the horror and exhaustion was all he wanted. So he asked his friends if it was okay to die.

It wasn’t a trick. He wasn’t asking so that he could find validation in their answers or begs for him to stay. After the horror of millions of people vanishing without telling their loved ones, he wanted to be as kind as possible. He didn’t want to end his world without letting those who he loved most have time to accept it.

“I… I don’t want to go right now. There’s still so much I wanted to see with all of you… but… I don’t think I want to do this. I don’t want to be here for whatever it looks like at the end,” he said.

No one spoke. Kureha and Arata sat in bed. Shiona didn’t move. Kai’s hand stayed on Riku’s head.

“I don’t want you to leave us,” whispered Kureha, who was the first to speak.

“Nor do I,” agreed Arata.

Kai and Rin didn’t speak. Kai’s hand was trembling, but he didn’t move it from Riku’s head. Riku saw the tears forming in his friend's eyes and reached up to wipe them away. Their gaze met briefly, and Kai shook his head in disagreement.

“Please, stay. We need you,” was all Kai could say.

“I… I need you,” he added.

Shiona finally spoke.

“We cannot ask him to stay merely for us. Riku, if you stayed with us, I want it to be because you want to. All of us can choose our own paths, and we all have to support each other. If you cannot continue on, I want you to greet your end in peace. Not terror. I will not condemn you to face whatever awaits if it is too much for you,” she said in a stern but compassionate tone.

Kureha flinched because she knew Shiona was right. It was selfish of her to want Riku to stay just for her own comfort if, all the while, his mind and soul were unraveling.

No one spoke for several minutes. The occasional sob was the only thing to break the silence.

“I’ve tried to hold it together for so long. I’ve been in pain my whole life. I wanted things to be so different. I never wanted any of you to hurt. I always imagined I’d die before you all. My body would give out years before any of yours, and that would have been nice because I wouldn’t have to watch you fade. I don't want to see that happen to you. I love all of you too much,” Riku cried.

“I won’t ask you to join me when the time comes,” he added.

“No. No. I will be by your side forever. You will never be alone,” said Kai, his eyes fiery.

“I love all of you,” said Riku as he finally forced himself up to face his friends.

“We love you, too. I love you,” cried Kai as he embraced his best friend. Kureha crawled over and rested her head on Riku’s lap.

“I love you. Ever since you said those things on the ferry, I’ve known. I loved you. I have loved you for most of my life. You’re my best friend. I’m so sorry it took me this long to realize,” she sobbed.

“I’ve loved you since you started making us all playlists on your computer in middle school,” cried Arata.

“I’ve loved you since you brought me wildflowers every day for a month after my childhood dog died three years ago,” cried Rin.

Shiona couldn’t speak. In the midst of everyone moving to Riku to embrace him and anoint him with tears, his eyes met hers. To his surprise, they were broken. All the world around them seemed to fade as the two of them held each other’s gaze across the void of time. She shook her head. Her words that she had said were honest, and she knew they were correct, but in that moment of truth, she faltered.

“Please, stay. I love you,” she mouthed as tears fell down her face.

Riku couldn’t immediately answer. Shiona’s eyes closed as she quietly wept to herself and forced her heart to begin the journey of acceptance.

That night, they pushed the beds together and slept as one. All of their slumbering bodies layered onto one another as quiet breathing drifted through the room. Riku lay in the middle of all of them, finally closing his eyes and welcoming rest.

The next morning, Kureha finally spoke her mind after thinking about it for the entire day before.

“What if we never went back?” she asked quietly.

Everyone stopped packing.

“There’s nothing left for us in Arashiyama. What if we didn’t go back after the summer ended? What if we took our time for the rest of the way? What if we picked somewhere else to watch the end, and just stayed there?” she asked.

No one spoke at first. The thought sank in, and they realized she was right, and they had all just been avoiding thinking of it. Their families and parents were gone. Their homes were empty. Returning there would be to return to a shell of what had bid them farewell all those short weeks ago, when the world was so different.

“I would be okay with that,” said Rin.

“I would as well,” agreed Arata.

Kai and Shiona nodded.

Kureha held out her hands, and the friends all approached to embrace one another once more. Riku stood to the side and watched. Kureha shook her head and held out her arm until he slowly limped forward and joined them. As they all stood together, feeling the warmth from each other’s bodies, Kureha couldn’t help but feel that the circle would be smaller at some point, no matter how much she fought.

Deep in her mind, a seed of hate and resentment towards Riku for his decision to abandon them, just like the adults had, was starting to be planted, and she begged herself not to let it take root. If her time with him was to be more limited than she had thought, she wanted the remaining days to be full of love and nothing else. With that in her mind, she buckled her seatbelt as the van set off southward.