The Notebook

Somehow despite trying to end her own life a few weeks prior, news about the upcoming end of the world makes Asuka’s head reel. In a fit of restlessness, she gets up from the couch. “This is really happening?” she slowly walks around the living room, grabbing at her hair, the unkempt tangles get caught in her fingers. The irony of her fear is not lost on her after what she tried to do. Though remembering it causes her to find some peace in the situation. “Maybe even the universe is trying to help me out,” she scoffs.

Asuka takes a deep breath. That’s right, this is basically what she wanted anyways she supposes. She stops pacing and her arms fall limply to her sides. “Well, now that the world is ending anyways…” she pauses. Though it had been some time after her brother died, she hasn’t been able to bring herself to enter his room since. Pursing her lips she moves herself in the direction of Kyo’s room. It’s on the other side of the house from her own, which has made going near it more foreboding than it used to be. The hallway seems to stretch out before her; light is unable to reach his door, casting it in shadow.

Reaching the entrance, she hesitates before placing her hand on the doorknob and twisting it open. The light coming from the window makes her wonder if she was imagining how dark the walk to Kyo’s room actually was. It looks the same as it always has, of course it does, it’s remained untouched from the beginning. So far, she hasn’t been able to bring herself to visit, feeling like it would be an invasion of his privacy. It’s not like she was never allowed to enter, and she had often barged in as if she had mistaken it for her room. His absence has turned the place into a temple, and she still feels bad about coming in, but the idea that the whole world will still disappear keeps her moving. “Sorry, Kyo,” she whispers to herself, “I’m coming in for a bit, okay?”

In the middle of the room is a fixture with a hanging switch that turns on the light. Asuka steps towards it and pulls the cord. Soft yellow light dispels the darkness, and she takes it all in. His bed is still unmade. The dark blue sheets are folded over like he had just gotten up for the day. The electric clock on the headboard reads 17:41. If he was still here, he probably would be on his way back from work. The thought makes her eyes sting, and she turns to examine his desk.

Passing her eyes over it she sees he was in the middle of working on putting together a robot model. She recognized it as one from one of the anime he used to rave about. Asuka could never really get into it herself, but she remembered it had something to do with giant robots fighting in space. Picking up one of the unassembled pieces, she looks up at his manga collection on the built-in bookshelf and takes one off to flip through it. As she pulls out one of the thick volumes, something lands with a thud onto the desk, a black leather-bound notebook with a willow tree engraved on the cover. She recognizes it as the one she got for Kyo for his 20th birthday, something that seemed like a suitable gift to celebrate his coming of age and becoming an adult.

Setting the manga down, she reaches to put the notebook back, but curiosity gets the better of her. Her face scrunches with hesitation, “j-just the first page,” she reasons. With trembling hands, she opens the book. On the first page was the inscription she wrote after scrouging up the allowance Kyo gave her whenever she got high marks in school. It was written wishing Kyo a happy birthday along with a poorly drawn doodle of his face. At the time she was twelve and felt like she did a good job making it recognizable as him with. A big smile that showed his sharp canine teeth, and the small scar on his right eyebrow. She used a red pen to color in his wild hair that stuck out in all directions.

On the next page is a short journal entry.

“Yesterday the old guys at the moving agency took me drinking after work with for the first time. I remember them giving me all kinds of advice on women and adulthood but they were drunk as hell so I have no idea what I should even take seriously. Honda-san drank until his face was red and he passed out at the front entrance so I had to help him get home and I ended up being late for Asu’s surprise party. She was mad but still gave me this little notebook and a slice of chocolate cake so I was sure happy. I’m thinking about switching jobs now that I’ve become an adult, maybe start a new chapter in my life. I’ve been eyeing a delivery company that popped up Kitahama, I think the hours would give me more free time.”

Her eyes well at the memory but she ignores them and continues on. It seems he tried to keep up a similar pattern for a few more pages, but soon the journal turns into various scribbles, drawings, and grocery lists. Asuka is just happy he managed to get some use out of the notebook and turns to the next page. What she sees makes her stop in her tracks. In big words “Bucket List” was written in blue ink.

Guilt stabbed at Asuka’s heart once again. Every day she thinks about how much Kyo had done for her. How much he had given up taking care of her. And now that he’s gone, she’ll never been able to pay him back. To think he’d written a bucket list; an entire myriad of things he might’ve wanted to do but couldn’t because he was stuck with her.

Asuka shakes her head. The 13-ounce notebook began to feel like lead in her hands as she flipped the page to read what her brother’s deepest desires were. On top of the next page, the following was written:

Asuka pauses, the lighthearted nature of the first entry takes her aback. She was expecting something more like going to college or travelling abroad. The name “Castle Destinies” comes back in trickles as she goes back into her memories. “Castle Destinies” was a video game the two of them used to play together when they were kids. Well, Asuka mostly remembers sitting next to Kyo and watching him play, most prominently of a moment when he was struggling to defeat a particularly tough boss near the end of the it. She had completely forgotten about it until now, but she feels a hint of warmth that permeates the void in her chest. She moves to the next section.

For some reason, Kyo had dedicated a whole segment to each entry, one item will have two pages of blank space. Asuka guesses he intended to write about or take a picture of each item after accomplishing them. As she flips through a journal reading every unspoken desire her brother had left, she begins to form an idea. If Kyo was never able to do these things when he was here, maybe Asuka could do them all for him.

The news she learned from earlier swam in her brain, if she was going to atone, maybe this was the best way to do it! Things settle into place for her like a newly completed jigsaw puzzle, and she makes up her mind. Her heart is racing and energy that hasn’t been present for so long surges through her body. What has she got to lose? The world is ending anyways, might as well make the most of it….