Rebirth

Two weeks passed with Riku barely saying a word to anyone. His silence permeated through the group, and bit by bit, they all fell silent as well. Reflection and solitude became the daily goals. Kureha found herself meditating to the sound of the cicadas that never seemed to stop chirping. Wind moved through the high trees with steady force, keeping the sounds of rustling leaves and swaying trunks forever in her ears.

Days were spent walking the stairs and winding paths into the woods. Streams bubbled and flowed eternal. Greenery enveloped them in a canopy of life. The single flame in the great hall continued to burn. Through it all, peace never reached Kureha. She wondered if her friends were faring any better. If Riku was. If his peace meant his transition into ending his life.

The inability to discuss such things ate away at Kureha, planting more seeds of anger and despair in her mind. There in that place of sacred serenity, Kureha found herself more angry and bitter than ever before. Life had already asked her to accept so much loss, and now, sitting among the beauty of the natural world that seemed so full of life and nurturing, she refused to accept that she was supposed to be okay with losing it all.

Shikata ga nai, mono no aware, mujo, hojoki, all of it evaded her. Acceptance was something she could not accept. Even if it meant carrying that rage into the very final moments of existence, that rage was her constant companion for most of her young adult life, and she refused to be told by anyone that she had to part with it as well. It was a part of her.

Kureha spent a few days pondering if accepting her rage was the same as letting it go. Was allowing herself to live in harmony with rage and despair and grief the true path of nature? All around her, the natural world moved in harmony while also fighting a never-ending battle to survive. She watched a spider devour a moth that was caught in its web. She stumbled upon a wounded baby bird that was covered in ravenous ants. Tranquility and soundscapes masked the brutality of predators ripping prey to pieces. Stronger weeds and vines strangling weaker plants. Stagnant water festering bacteria that would destroy the insides of any who drank it. Nature was beautiful and nurturing, but it was also cruel and indifferent.

That was her enlightenment. After ten days of silence, her patience cracked and she woke that morning with the intention of finally speaking to Riku.

He was already awake. Kureha found him at the overlook, holding a weathered leather book.

“I will forgive you if you kill yourself. But I will never be at peace with losing you even a day early! I will never accept it. I refuse to be okay with a world without you in it!” she snarled from behind him.

His eyes opened and he turned to face her. There was a tragic look on his eyes, and to her surprise, he didn’t fight.

“The majority of my life has been about loss! And all the while I was told to accept it as that is the nature of existence. I stayed silent and kept going forward, but that was easier because you were there right beside me!” she cried.

“No matter how dark it got, you were there mere meters away, always checking on me. And I always checked on you! Even when we all started to drift apart in high school, we were always there beside one another. And now you are asking me to be okay with that not being the case. I know we will never love each other the way you love Shiona, and I’m okay with that. But please, don’t go. Don’t leave us. We need you. I need you. And I want you to need us…” sobbed Kureha.

“But, Kureha, I… my…” he tried to speak.

“Who cares about your leg Riku?! I’ll drag you up and down this entire stupid mountain a thousand times if that’s what it takes to be okay with this! That’s what family does! That’s what love does! It supports, even in the hardest parts! I’m sorry if we never made you feel that. If we made you feel like a burden like your family did. But I will carry you and be by your side until the end of you just let me,” she begged.

“As will I,” said Kai’s voice from behind them.

Kureha turned to see the rest of the friends were there now. Shiona was crying.

“I have lied to myself every day to try and come to peace with this,” Shiona whispered.

“But Kureha’s right. I can’t imagine a day without you. I’m sorry if that’s selfish. I tried to understand. I tried to be at peace. But it’s impossible,” cried Shiona.

”And I don’t want to face my end without that peace. Either killing myself with you, or living on in despair after you, if you go, especially for those reasons you said, I will never be at peace again,” Shiona added.

“Same,” Arata added.

Rin nodded in silent agreement.

“Stay. Please stay,“ begged Kureha.

“Please don’t leave us,” added Shiona.

Riku broke. His cane fell from his hands and collapsed onto the ground with a rattle as the young man wept into his palms.

“I don’t want to be a burden anymore. I don’t want this anymore,” he cried.

Shiona approached him slowly and held out her hand. He flinched at first then turned to her, welcoming her embrace. Kureha and Kai joined, followed by Rin and Arata.

“You were never a burden. You were our friend. We love you. Always,” said Shiona as Kureha clasped her hand in agreement.

“I’m sorry,” he cried.

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” said Kureha as she rubbed his back.

“I will never let anything happen to you,” said Kai as his arms enveloped the group.

“If you are ever tired, or need help, Arata and I will be there to aid you,” said Rin.

Arata tried to speak but choked and nodded in silence.

“Why are you doing this for me?” Riku asked sincerely.

“Because you would do the same for any of us. Because you are a part of us,” said Kureha.

Their words covered Riku in a protective shield of peace, and for the first time in weeks, the group felt a sense of calm drift into their hearts as they all wept together. Riki’s tears lasted for minutes before his breathing began to slow. After a pause, he opened his eyes. They no longer seemed tired.

“I’ll stay. For you all. I’ll stay. Please, forgive me for putting you all through this,” he said quietly.

Relief washed over the group and their tears returned in full force. There, on the side of that mountain, a hint of peace found its way into Kureha’s heart, where it made itself at home beside her rage and sorrow.

Death did not take Riku, nor anyone else, on that day. The mountain of death bid them farewell after nearly three weeks. Kureha would not miss its rolling hills and swaying marshes. 

All that was left was Mount Yudono, where rebirth awaited them.

A large torii gate welcomed them to the final stage of their pilgrimage, and this time, the group was able to appreciate the scenery fully. Shoes were removed to honor the sacred ground. The group purified themselves and proceeded. Thick vegetation coated the sloping terrain as they traversed the path.

An enormous ginger colored rock spouted hot spring water with bursts of steam coating the air in mystery. Up they went into the secluded realm, until they reached a reflective pool of water that was fed by a single waterfall. Without a word, the group undressed and stepped into the pool. Warm water washed away the stains of sorrow they carried from the last few weeks, and prepared them to continue on their journey.

An hour later, their hike was done. All of them had taken another’s hand without realizing it. As they made their way to the van, Kureha felt Shiona’s hand on her shoulder. She stopped to see Shiona crying once more with her arms open. Kureha entered her friend’s embrace once more.

“Thank you,” whispered Shiona.

“Always,” replied Kureha.

Shiona’s hand did not release Kureha’s hand for the entire van ride that night as the group left Dewa and set out for Nikko. From Nikko, it was onto the city all of them had requested. A city they had only dreamt of seeing together. The largest city in the world. Tokyo. As Kureha closed her eyes to think of the capital, she allowed herself to feel excitement once more.