Fire In The Gardens

“What?” Yani was sure she had misunderstood. She directed the conversation to where she thought he meant to go. “I think if we both tell them it won’t work between us, they’ll have to call it off.”

“No, no. Don’t you get it?” Blain propped himself up on an elbow, looking at her. “This is the best possible match for both of us. We’re not interested in each other romantically, so we can work as a team. We’ll have each other to lean on in the public eye, and we can do whatever we want on the side. See?”

Yani felt a twinge of anger. “No, I don’t think you get it. What is it you think I want here?”

“To not have to marry some creepy guy who expects you to be a good wife?”

“Wrong.”

“You do wanna marry a creepy guy?”

“You don't understand, do you?” Yani stood up, the grass shredding beneath her and clinging to her feet. Even that feeling pissed her off. “Our marriage would solve your problem. And I get that it's a hard problem, but you said it yourself that that's an okay solution for you. But if I got married to you, it would cut me off from doing the only thing I love. Girls in relationships can’t be Godsingers. I’m sure you know that much.”

“But it’s not that big of a deal, right? It’s just for teens! And you could still pray like normal.”

“I was right." Yani could feel her face growing red. She didn't understand exactly why she was so angry, but she was. "You don’t get it at all. You’ve never heard her voice. If you had, maybe you’d understand that what you’re asking me for is… I can’t not hear her again, Blain.”

“Come on. You’re acting like it’s a breakup.”

“Because I love her!” Yani stomped, even though the moment she did it, she felt like a child.

“But she’s not a human. And that’s not a future. Lots of people love their gods, but that doesn’t mean they’re going to throw away their life for one.”

“I will, though!”

“I don’t think you’re being fair to me. Neither of us have it easy, but this is our best option.” Blain said. “Come on, Yani. I want to be friends.”

“A friend wouldn’t ask me to give up on my dream for theirs.” Yani rolled her socks onto her still-damp feet, trapping the itchy blades of grass against her skin. They stabbed into her with every step she took as she walked away.

“You’re asking for a good little wife too. You just don’t see it.”

*

Yani’s family and Madame Atori were waiting at the front of the garden, beneath the howler monkeys. She saw Naira wince when one howled at Yani as she walked up to them.

“Where's Blain?” Her mother asked almost immediately. Luckily, Yani had the time on the walk back to come up with a lie.

“Oh, he is so sweet! He wanted to stay to look at some of the fish, but I had a stomach ache, so he walked me part of the way back before going back to look. He's probably still in that hot spring-y section.”

His mother narrowed her eyes before giving an exasperated sigh. “Ugh. I don't know what to do with that boy. At least you two will get along great. A right pair of weirdos.”

Yani forced a laugh before Madame Atori continued speaking.

“He can look as long as he wants. He knows where we live.” She walked away, already hailing a private cab from her touchscreen, and leaving Yani alone with her family.

Her mother grabbed her by the elbow immediately. Her motions were restrained and practiced, wanting to punish Yani without causing a scene in front of others. Yani knew them well.

“Did you do something to put him off?”

“No, mom! He’s barely interested in me, but he’s happy to get married for the sake of his family.” Yani took a breath, trying to put on a smile. “Just like I am.”

“If you say so.”

“Anyways, mother. Father. I’m meant to be at the shrine this afternoon. I don’t want my work to be unreliable just because it’s nearing the end. May I go?”

*

With barely-there permission from her parents, Yani escaped into Imon’s arms. It felt unreal to be sitting in the office, putting on a clean uniform and knowing that the days left to wear it might be numbered. It was like no one else was living in the same world as her anymore.

Somewhat irresponsibly, she linked herself in to a worshipwell before casting even a casual glance around her to check if any worshippers needed help. Her hands trembled as she unspooled the wires out of herself, pressing her link button into the indent above her.

She collapsed into Imon, releasing all her memories of the day for Imon to parse wordlessly. It was truly wonderful to know that she didn’t have to say it all out loud, and Imon still understood. Yani stayed in that space, free and dreaming of the sun after a storm, until Imon spoke.

I do not wish for your time as a Godsinger to end in this way.

Me neither, but what can I do? Maybe I should just refuse, but… I’ve never flat-out said no to my parents before. It’s terrifying. I feel like they wouldn’t accept it, somehow. Like they’d convince me back.

I understand. You are in an impossible situation. Yani, know that even if you must be married, you will always be special to me. Even if you cannot hear me.

I know it’s selfish, Yani paused, but I can’t stop hoping you could make an exception for me. I can be married to someone I don’t like. I don’t care about that part, as long as I can keep talking to you.

Imon’s voice almost sounded pained as she spoke. There are forces that govern my actions, and the actions of all Godsingers. Forces that even I am beholden to. The gods talk, as you know. But I may have to make them talk about you.

Really? You would do that for me?

Please do not underestimate what I would do for you, Yani. You are dear to my heart. More than many that pass through my shrines. I wish only to see you happy.

And as Yani undid her link, casting Imon into silence once more, she heard one last phrase. Spoken so softly, she thought she might have imagined it. I wish only that I could hold you.