Getting Sucked up Sucks

With his army of roaches behind him, King Roachard got up from his throne and boldly stood before his bear adversaries. "I demand to speak with your ruler!"

One of the bear soldiers spoke into his radio. "They want a beardience with Papa Bear."

There was a momentary cease fire from both sides as they waited for Papa Bear to arrive. The sound of motors rang out in the distance. Ripping through the sand covered roads of the city, a series of three black exotic sports cars with brown teddy bear faces painted on their hoods, skirted to a stop directly in front of Roachard. Stepping out from the driver's side of each Lambearghini were three familiar looking bear people decked out in riot gear... They were the Koala, Panda, and Polar bear that initially captured Eddy.

Going around to his passenger side door, the koala opened it and a kid dressed in a grizzly bear onesie arrogantly stepped out. Around his eyes, he wore a pair of gold rimmed aviators and around his neck, hung on a thick gold chain with a diamond encrusted bear head the size of an apple. His three bear guards held out their riot shields, creating a wall in front of him, as he walked toward Roachard.

Snobbishly, he clicked his tongue. "Tch. So you're the one causing trouble here in my capitol."

...The supreme leader of the Beary Bandits is a kid!

King Roachard was unphased by Papa Bear's cocky attitude. "I've come to offer you the opportunity to surrender. If you accept, I’ll spare you and your people from being food for my loyal subjects."

Papa Bear let out a snort. "You're funny, bug man. That's got to be the best joke I've heard all day."

Roachard remained straight faced. "What's so humorous? Do you actually think your bear army has a chance against my roaches?"

The kid continued trying to instigate Roachard. "You should become a comedian, bug man, because you're just full of jokes. There's already another wave of reinforcements on their way and besides, I haven't even pulled out my secret weapon yet."

"And what is this secret weapon?"

"It wouldn't be a secret if I told you, but let's just say it's something only I can use since I'm the chosen one."

"Chosen by-?" Before Roachard could finish, a voice interjected into their conversation. "I got a bone to pick with you, Roachard! That alien drone you sold me wasn't an alien at all. It was just a really snippy vacuum cleaner. You owe me a refund." Jethro had suddenly emerged from his hiding spot in the pyramid and barged right into the middle of Roachard and Papa Bear's confrontation.

"Hey, you're that kid from earl-!" Eddy added, as he had tagged along just behind Jethro.

He was immediately met by loogie to the forehead, which was impressively projected a fair distance by Papa Bear. "Oh, it's Blankey man... I told you earlier not to call me a kid!" A vein throbbed in his forehead as he Reprimanded Eddy.

"Oh shoot!" Eddy threw his face into the sand and shook his head, panicking, as he tried to get rid of Papa Bear's spit from his face.

Jethro held his hand out toward Roachard. "I want my fifty dollar refund in cash, you roach."

He's jeopardizing our escape plan over fifty dollars... I'm worth at least five times that!

"No refunds." Roachard bluntly stated.

While everyone was distracted, I decided to use the opportunity to inconspicuously start nudging Jethro's duffle bag away from the currently idle t-roach.

Papa Bear snapped his fingers and two bear soldiers stepped toward Jethro and Eddy. As they reached out to subdue them, a wall of roaches suddenly formed to protect Eddy.

"What the-?" Eddy had an astonished look on his face.

Roachard gave him a humble nod. "You were the one that gifted me that delectable stick of string cheese... I promised that you were under my kingdom's protection."

Eddy seemed intrigued. "Oh, that's why those roaches didn't eat me earlier."

"All of you are going to regret making me angry!" Papa Bear retorted.

"Hey kid, why don't you talk in bear puns like all the other bear people?" Jethro's question was immediately met with a loogie lobbed toward him, of which he avoided by tilting his head to the left.

Papa Bear sneered at him. "First of all don't call me a kid... But if you must know, as the chosen one, I decided everyone has to talk in bear puns except for me."

"Chosen by who?" Jethro responded.

The kid let out a maniacal laugh as he pulled a grey remote with a single giant red button from his pocket. "Maybe it is time to reveal my secret weapon after all." He pressed the button.

There was a brief moment of silence, as nothing happened, then suddenly the Great Bearamid began to shake. The bear head at its peak began to crumble, as a bright green beacon shot out from it into the sky.

"This kind of reminds me of something you can build in Memcraft." Eddy felt the need to unnecessarily point out.

All the stars in the sky were snuffed out, as it was illuminated green. A sudden vortex of wind seemingly manifested out of thin air, causing the sand all around us to be kicked up into a plume. A loud and strangely familiar buzzing noise rang out from above.

"Prepare yourselves, my loyal soldiers!" Roachard ordered his roaches.

The sky above the entire block, which the pyramid sat on, was suddenly blotted out by a massive object looming overhead. All the bear people in the area laid down their weapons and kneeled before the mass in the sky. Even Papa Bear took a knee.

Jethro stared up in awe. "Is that a UFO!?"

"I don't know, it kind of looks like a giant Rom to me?" Eddy gazed with wonder.

He wasn't wrong. The object above us did sort of resemble a Rumba brand autonomous vacuum with its silver disk like appearance. The only difference was it was bigger...a lot bigger.

During all the commotion over the last several minutes, after finessing my way through piles of roaches and the crowd of bear people, I managed to deliver Jethro's duffle bag right to his feet.

"Now would probably be a good time to start blowing stuff up." I suggested.

Jethro snickered as he took his C-4 detonator from the bag. "You don't have to tell me twice. I've been waiting all night for this." With his thumb, he pressed a round gray button on his remote shaped detonator... "What the-?" He pressed it again... Still nothing. After a few more attempts, he began to rapidly spam it. "Those dang aliens must be blocking the signal...!" From his bag, he took out an excess piece of C-4 and inspected it. "Wait a second, this is modeling clay."

"You mistook clay for C-4?" I responded.

Jethro slapped his forehead. "I should have known better than to trust a black market dealer."

Papa Bear got up from kneeling and stood before everyone, both bear and roach. "I'll spare anyone who chooses to submit to me now."

I turned to Eddy, who dropped down to a kneeling position. "What the heck are you doing?"

"M-maybe being a bear person won't be so bad. I could learn to talk in bear puns and their outfits really aren't so bad..." He cowardly shrugged.

"Do be ridiculous, you moron. They'll just end up sending you back to working physical labor." I scolded him.

He immediately stood back up. “Oh, nevermind then.”

"Never!" Roachard defiantly shouted at the bear army.

In response, his t-roach let out a roar, as it swung its long tail up, launching a cluster of bugs toward the mysterious craft... It's efforts, however, were futile, as the wad of roaches just plinked off of its underside and fell back toward the ground.

Getting on top of the t-roach's back, Roachard began rallying his troops. "Don't give up my loyal subjects. We must prevail!"

"Nice try, but-," Papa Bear was suddenly interrupted by a loud rumble followed by that buzzing noise from earlier. It was oddly familiar, but I just couldn't put my finger in it. "Hey, don't start it yet!" He shouted toward the air.

It appeared that he went unheard since the buzzing noise only got louder. All the sand in the area was kicked up like a sand storm. Beneath the saucer shaped object, a large rectangle slot popped open. A powerful sucking force came from it, pulling in everything in its path. The t-roach was completely torn apart and King Roachard and his roaches were sucked up into the vessel.

They weren't the only ones caught in the air stream. The giant vacuum didn't discriminate as it pulled in all the Beary Bandits, including Papa Bear.

with all his strength, Jethro clung to a nearby stop sign, as he grasped his duffle bag with his other arm. Also hanging on to the sign for dear life, along with me in his arms, was Eddy. The sign began to wobble as we continued to be hit by the sucking force.

"I don't know how much longer this thing’s going to hold out!" I shouted over all the noise.

"If I could just get to my RPG, I could-." Jethro was abruptly interrupted, as the metal pole holding in the stop sign snapped.

All three of us were violently wisped upward into the vacuum/UFO... Or whatever the heck this thing was. As we passed through the suction slot, a sudden electrical pulse hit me and before I knew it, my consciousness faded to black…