Aliens Suck

"Bear bear bear. Bear bear." My audio receptors picked up a muffled voice, as my system booted back up. Simultaneously, my optical sensors flickered back on, revealing a bright light shining down on me. Other than the light above me, the area around me was a dark shadowy void. I attempted to move, but I was strapped down to a metallic operating table. A long cable was attached to my charging port.

Getting abducted and strapped down to tables is starting to become a regular occurrence for me.

"Mmmmmmmmm!" A panicked muffle came from my right.

Another light flicked on, revealing Eddy fastened to the table beside me. Tears streamed down from his eyes, as his shouts were muted by the gag tied around his mouth.

"Bear bear!" A high pitched voice squeaked from the shadows. Out of the darkness, a neon green creature that was about two feet tall and wore a doctor's coat emerged. Strangely enough, it closely resembled a stuffed teddy bear with a little alien antenna sticking out from the center of its head.

Holding what appeared to be one of those pointer sticks with the little plastic hand on the tip that elementary school teachers use, he aggressively began circling around Eddy and poking his body with it.

"Mmmmm!" Eddy shook with fear.

"Bear." The teddy bear alien continued, ignoring Eddy's cries.

What the heck is-?

Out of nowhere, a loud bang echoed through the room. There was a momentary pause until the teddy bear collapsed to the ground with a large hole in its head with what looked like stuffing pouring out of it.

Out from the shadows, with his smoking desert eagle in hand, came Jethro. "You two are lucky I'm here because you would have definitely been probed."

"How the heck did they not get you?" I wondered as he undid my restraints.

"Oh they got me alright. I was tied down just like you, but thanks to this roach biting through my restraints, I was able to get a jump on that alien." On his shoulder, sat a lone cockroach, which flicked its antenna together as it stared at me. "The moron didn't even bother checking if I was armed."

A rustling suddenly came from the shadows. Jethro aimed his gun forward, but lowered it as another familiar face emerged... It was King Roachard.

"Good, you managed to take care of that pesky creature." Roachard tossed Jethro's duffle bag in front of him. "I'm guessing you're going to be wanting this back."

"And you probably want this back as well." Jethro smirked, as the roach on his shoulder leapt off and back on to Roachard's.

"Do either of you have any ideas as to what's going on?" I wondered, still sitting on top of the table.

Jethro rolled his eyes at me. "Aliens obviously."

"It appears that these strange creatures abducted everyone that was near the pyramid." Roachard responded giving a more helpful answer.

"Mmm mmm mmm." Still with his mouth covered, Eddy attempted to chime in.

Nearly forgetting that he was still bound, Jethro quickly untied his restraints.

Eddy jumped off the table, adjusting his security blanket around his shoulders. "I legitimately thought I was about to die... again." He started crying, but this time they were tears of joy.

Ignoring Eddy's water works, Jethro cut back to the chase with Roachard. "Considering you just saved us, I'm guessing you're looking to work together."

"Yes, but not just with you." As he said that, he flipped on a light just in front of us, revealing Papa Bear who had a gag around his mouth and was strapped to an operating table with an unamused look on his face.

Uncovering his mouth, Roachard allowed him to speak. "I can't believe these Bearliens stabbed me in the back!" He angrily exclaimed.

"What do you mean by that, kid?" Jethro pressed him, while simultaneously avoiding a stream of spit projected at him.

"Those teddy bear creatures are a species of alien called the Bearliens. They're the ones responsible for taking all the Earth's water." Papa Bear responded.

"I knew it!" Jethro nearly jumped for joy that his alien conspiracy was proven correct. "How the heck does a kid like you know all this though?"

Papa Bear sighed. "Because they chose me, that's why... At least that's what I thought. Early on when the water started disappearing, the Bearliens descended down from their ship onto the state capitol building's steps. With the desperate state of the world, everyone in Lincoln gathered before them and immediately bowed down in hopes they'd give us water. Out of every person gathered, they recognized my superior intellect, as a ten year old with a 200 IQ, and anointed me the new ruler of humanity."

Jethro shook his head. "The first mistake you made was trusting an alien."

"So are you gonna get me out of these restraints or are you just going to keep talking, beard man?"

Jethro shot him down. "You're not going anywhere until you've answered all my questions... Now, what was the purpose of that beacon?"

Papa Bear rolled his eyes. "Fine... The beacon is an intergalactic fast travel point. It essentially allows them to instantly travel back and forth between their home planet and Earth. I made an agreement with them that if we gathered the resources and built it for them, they'd give us limitless water and help me take over the world."

"Fast travel, just like in the video games!" Eddy unnecessarily commented.

"And why are the aliens stealing all of Earth's water in the first place?" Jethro wondered.

"The Bearliens communicated with me through a translator device, so I haven't actually been explicitly told why. I have however pieced together a hunch based on my interactions with them. From what I can tell, it's not so much that they care about our planet or the water. It seems like they're looking for something."

"Well, as long as I'm still alive, I won't let them find it!" Jethro Proclaimed.

Suddenly, all the lights in the room came on and a set of circular sliding doors slid open. A dozen Bearliens, all of which were either neon green, neon yellow, or neon pink in color, stormed in. They were armed with weird looking purple baton sticks, with cyan balls on the ends of them.

"Bear bear bear." One of them pointed at Eddy. The group proceeded to rush him and began beating him with their weird sticks.

"Ow, quit that. That kind of hurts my shins." Eddy stood still, only slightly discomforted by their assault.

In comparison to all of us, the Bearliens were small and due to their lack of physical strength, they didn't seem to be very effective with melee weapons.

An ear piercing pop rang out, as one by one the Bearliens exploded, with stuffing flying everywhere. Jethro stood scoped in with a semi-automatic .50 bmg sniper rifle, which he pulled from his duffle bag. "The only good alien is a dead one!"

"Isn't a fifty caliber a bit overkill?" I responded.

He pulled out its empty magazine and shoved a new one into it. "I'd say it's actually underkill. If only I had a gun that shot even bigger bullets."

King Roachard undid Papa Bear's restraints. "I think now's the time to put aside our differences. Both of us have loyal subjects being held captive somewhere in this ship. If we work together, we can free them."

Papa Bear sat up, nodding in agreement. "We'll have a temporary truce for now. We also have to deal with these Bearliens. They obviously have no use for me or my Beary Bandits anymore. That must mean they're close to achieving their objective."

"Agreed. Why don't you two deal with tracking down the prisoners? The three of us will make our way to the bridge and put a stop to whatever these aliens are planning." Jethro suggested. "Here, take these." He tossed them each a handgun.

"Is it really a good Idea to give a kid a loaded gun?" I hated to be a stick in the mud, but someone had to be the responsible one out of all these degenerates.

Papa Bear spat at me. "Why don't you shut up, you stupid vacuum? I'm not some moron who doesn't know proper gun safety."

"It'll be fine. I got my first gun the moment I left the womb." Jethro seemed completely unconcerned.

"Good luck to you three. If any of you manage to survive, I'll try to make sure my roaches don't eat you..." Roachard waved us off as he exited through the circular door that the now dead Bearliens came through.

"If you guys do die, at least do it after you've distracted them long enough for me to escape." Papa Bear followed after Roachard, not giving us any reassurance.

"So, Uncle Jethro, can I get a weapon?" Eddy stared at him pleadingly.

"Are you trying to get us all killed?" He snapped back at him.

"Come on, please. I'm not the clumsy loser I used to be... well, maybe still a little bit, but I did manage to survive this far."

"Fine, but one misfire and I'll shoot you myself... And all you're getting is this piece of crap low-point pistol that I use as a door stop. I'm not about to have you break any of my good guns." Jethro tossed the ugliest and bulkiest pistol I had ever seen to Eddy. Both the slide and the lower looked to be made from plastic. It looked as though it would fall apart with a single shot.

By some miracle, Eddy managed to hold onto it without negligently discharging any rounds.

Next Jethro looked at me. "You're going to need a weapon too." He removed the airsoft gun he had rigged to me and mounted a Block 19 pistol with a switch on the back of it, which gave it the capability of firing full auto.

"Why does Rom get a better gun than me?" Eddy complained.

"That's simple, I trust the vacuum more than I trust you." Jethro bluntly stated.

"Oh..."

Jethro slung his duffle bag around his shoulder. "Time to lock and load just like back in 'Nam."

"But you were never in the military, Uncle Jethro." Eddy pointed out.

"... Nevermind that. We need to get moving." He quickly glossed over his stolen valor.

With that, the three of us were on our way to crack some teddy bear alien skulls and put a stop to their plans…