Self-Conscious? Nope, Not I

My training with Finley that day was weird.

And yeah, it was my fault. I couldn’t help it.

Diana and Finley both came to the guest wing some hours after my realization on the terrace, Diana for Marie’s combat lessons, and Finley for magic. When they opened the door, I started coughing and looked away, unable to meet their eyes

“Your Highness? Is something the matter?” Marie asked.

“Yeah, Elisabeth, lookin’ a little pale there. Need some juice?” Diana chuckled.

“No. No, it’s- It’s nothing. I’m fine.” I stepped back.

Finley stepped forward as I stepped back. Stop being so in tune with me! “Are you sure? You do seem… off.”

“Nope! Perfectly fine!” I squeaked.

My stomach felt like a mess, but I had a feeling it wasn’t the kind of stomachache you could resolve with medicine.

Unless you count kissing Finley as medicine, heh.

Stop that, me!

Diana saved me. “Well, Marie, let’s get going. I’ve got a few recruits who’re eager to see what you can do.”

“Yeah, sounds good, Diana.” Marie!? That’s a new tone of voice for her. I tapped her on the shoulder. She side-eyed me and mouthed “later” as Diana spun around to go to wherever on earth they studied the blade.

And just like that, I was alone with Finley. The air turned to stone. Our commute to the secret courtyard occurred in complete silence. On the way through one door, our hands brushed, and I jerked mine back. Ah!

A dam had burst that morning.

From then on, I lagged behind a few steps, needing distance from him. My realization from last night had made me extremely self-conscious about every little thing: the speed of my gait, how close I was to him, the sound of my breath, the bouncing of my chest, everything.

Why didn’t anyone ever tell me that this stuff was so annoying?

And annoying it was. What bothered me even more was questioning every little thing that Finley did, too. How could I know if he liked me or not? I mean, sure, he flirted with me here and there like Diana did, but did that mean he like liked me? I can’t just up and ask him!

Like when he summoned our secret stone elevator, for example. Every time before, he’d held my hand, keeping me stable as we rose through the air. But this time, he didn’t.

Does he not want to touch me? Is my skin gross? Did I freak him out by pulling my hand back earlier? Or does he just think that I’ve experienced it enough that I don’t need the hand? Is he mad at me? Maybe I said something wrong yesterday at the smithy. Oh, God, what if he also had a realization today?

“Sorry, Elisabeth. I did some thinking, and… I just don’t like women. It’s not you, it’s me.”

Imaginary Finley, you traitor!

It had all felt so much clearer when I thought of him as just a friend. Now that I knew what I felt, my mind was a supercharged worry factory.

How can I know if he likes me back?

By the way, this entire meltdown happened in the span of, oh, probably four or five seconds, as we rose up to the courtyard. I’m nothing if not quick.

But crushes are funny like that. Despite the overwhelming anxiety and nausea I felt at simply confronting him, when we began the lesson for the day, it slowly melted away into pure adoration.

As we settled into a comfortable pair of conjured chairs, Finley began a lecture on the use of magic in Andrastian society. He explained to me how draodhachd was limited to only the aristocracy. With the wonder that surged through me yesterday upon using magic for the first time myself, such a limitation felt almost like a crime. 

“Such an abundant force of nature ought not to be restricted to the noble class and their retainers! My father and sister wring their hands about the undue power it would give to the people, but they oft neglect the joy it could spread instead!” Incensed by passion, he stood up here and there to really hammer a point home. “So many lives would be improved! Imagine, the cleaning magic our royal stewards use in the palace, spread to every home in Bridd!”

I simply listened, enthralled by his pure adoration for magic, his utter compassion for the people of his empire.

I don’t even care if he likes me back. It’s so lovely just getting to listen to him speak.

Nothing about it felt different from when I had developed crushes on girls in my previous life, which surprised me. I had expected liking a man to feel totally different, but I sat smiling like a dork with hearts in my eyes all the same.

On our way to dinner from our private lesson, we ran into Margot again. Kind of annoying how she always pops up to ruin the mood. …Though I guess with my stiff demeanor today, I’m doing plenty of mood-ruining myself.

After we passed her by, Finley told me he had something to confess, which made my heart jump out of my chest and through the ceiling.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t what I (and probably you, too) had been hoping for: it was about his sister.

“I think something’s wrong with Diana,” he began.

I cocked my head. “In what way?”

Face lost in thought, Finley explained, “She’s been outwardly cordial about the incident with that goat dubhiast at the festival, but in private… She’s tense. Curt with me. Something’s off.”

I thought back to the previous week. There had been a noticeable lack of playful sibling bickering. I made a note to investigate later.

Dinner that evening happened to provide me with just the chance. Marie, Diana, Finley, and I were treated to a private feast out on the twins’ private terrace, just the four of us.

Halfway through, however, the Emperor himself interrupted us and whisked Finley, and Finley alone, away to address an issue that he wouldn’t disclose. I got up to use the restroom shortly after.

As I made my way back out, I heard Diana’s distinctively loud voice complaining.

Yeah. I listened in. After what Finley had told me earlier, I had to know what was going on! And if Diana wasn’t going to tell him what was wrong, then maybe I could instead. I crept closer.

“...I mean, he totally undermined me! Right, Marie? Sure, I know draodhachd is his thing, and I kind of absorbed some of that, but I’m the fighter! The glory of that takedown should have been mine, but all I got was the final blow!”

Huh? Is she talking about… the goat monster? I couldn’t see her face, but her tone was filled with annoyance.

“I’ve got an image to maintain, too! Not to mention how humiliating it was. I mean, healing magic? Showing me up like that?”

She’s… embarrassed?

Her voice softened. “I know, it’s been well over a week since then, but it just keeps turning in my mind. If I can’t take something like that down, then what good am I?”

I heard Marie reply, “Diana, you’ve got much more than just prowess in combat to speak of. I’m sure both the people of Bridd and Master Finley know this.” It was strange hearing her talk so casually to someone else.

In an insane move the likes of which I’d never done before, I decided to move out and join the conversation.

“Diana,” I tentatively started, “I’m-”

“Whoa! Princess, when’d you get back?” Diana dropped her fork.

“Sorry. I’ve… been listening.”

Marie chastised me. “Miss Elisabet—!” She coughed to self-correct. “Your Highness! You ought to know not to eavesdrop on private conversations.”

Hands up, I surrendered. “In my defense, I was only in the bathroom.”

“She’s right, Marie. I shouldn’t have gone off like that.” She flashed a smile my way. “Sorry you had to hear that, Princess.” She’s good at masking.

I sat back down at the table. “No, Diana, I should be the one to apologize. I… I had no idea you felt that way about how we took the beast down. It was my idea to do that. I didn’t realize it would tear a rift between you and Finley.”

It was a few moments of silence before she responded. Quieter, softly, she mused, “Whoa, I didn’t realize you were thinkin’ about stuff like that. That’s touching.”

My plate of half-eaten chicken stared up at me. “Finley told me he was worried about you. And I realize it was my fault. I’m sorry.”

Diana put a gentle hand on my shoulder. “Hey, no, Princess. I’m sorry, too. You couldn’t have known. I know you’ve got nothin’ but love in your heart, especially if what Marie says is true.”

Inquisitively, I raised an eyebrow at Marie. She raised one back.

I returned to Diana, “I just don’t want something like this to, I don’t know, pit you two against one another.”

Gazing off into the evening sky, she admitted, “Well, I can’t pretend not to be insecure. But I know he’s not trying to hurt me. Nor are you. I’m not mad at him, promise. Just dealin’ with my own emotions.” She turned back. “Thanks for being concerned, though.”

“You’re sure you’re fine?” I asked.

She patted her arm, flexing her bicep as her usual volume returned. “Hah! Somethin’ as small as this? Ain’t nothin’ to a warrior like me!”

Diana smiled. I saw the structure of Finley’s kind smile as her eyebrows relaxed and her jaw untensed. Being reminded of that smile scrambled my brain. “Promise, Princess,” she said. “Please don’t worry. Our family’s not so fragile.”

Trusting her word, I relaxed, and the three of us returned to eating. We spent the rest of the evening talking about all sorts of combat tricks and fighting styles, my curiosity raging at what their private lessons looked like over the last week.

But, even though the girls’ night on the terrace was fun, I found my heart longing for a different presence.