Reason

We stared at each other at the top of the hill for what seemed like eternity. I couldn’t believe the two of them were out here. They seemed so happy. What’s going on?

Yumie blinked finally. “Eshikra?!” Finally recognized me or just caught up?

“Yeah. What’s going on? What’s the meaning of this?”

She looked away from me, downwards. What was she checking? There was a hint of nervousness in her voice and shaking. Something was very wrong. “Why are you here?” Once more she glanced over.

“Because I saw someone leaving Thesil.”

“What we do is our business.”

I nodded softly to her. I couldn’t really disagree with that. They were adults and could make their own choices. But if my sick feeling in my stomach was right, there was more to it. I stepped a little closer to them. While I was close enough for them to see me, I was still a bit down the side of the slope. Why did they stop here?

They both took steps away from me. I paused a little confused by their paranoia. We know each other, somewhat. We did just meet, but they invited me into their home. Why are they acting scared of me? “Are you two okay? Did something happen?”

Eresil shifted his body a little in front of his wife, almost like protecting her from me. “Just return home, Eshikra. It doesn’t concern you.”

I took a step to the side so I didn’t approach. Looking down at the earth, I didn’t see much of it past them. In the moonlight, little of it could be made out. But as I closely examined it, I understood. My eyes turned back to them as I knew my ill feelings now.

It wasn’t a hill, but a cliff! They were at the edge. Dammit, why did I know this? What’s wrong? They were so happy! “This doesn’t make sense!”

His expression changed a little, realizing that I figured it out. “Not for you, but to us, it’s perfectly clear.”

“What because everything’s coming to an end? And we’re dead either way?”

“No, Eshikra, you don’t get it. It’s what we agreed to do.”

Agreed? Is this what the Priest and Speaker decided on? “Mass suicide?”

“It’s exhausting,” Yumie said, looking at me directly. I thought the woman only seemed to know happiness, deep and true. Yet there wasn’t a hint of it anywhere on her. She looked ten years older than I remembered. Everything that I thought I recognized in her was carved out and left empty. Only sorrow remained to fill in the void.

It chilled me. It really was all just pointless, wasn’t it? We were dead regardless. The voice didn’t care about me or her, none of us. This was the only thing we had control over. “Yumie…it…”

A slight smile came to her as she locked eyes with me briefly before meeting her husband one last time. Holding his hand, they just walked away from me and in another moment, disappeared. Just gone.

Gone, forever.

Dead.

I stared blank. I didn’t stop them. It felt like I pushed them myself. It was me.

Slowly, I walked up the rest of the distance to the cliff edge. Looking down, I finally caught sight of what they had been seeing. I coughed, nearly gagged. A heavy weight grew in my belly dropping me to the grass.

So many corpses. Everyone that left.

My head hung low as tears poured down my cheeks. It was pointless, wasn’t it? We were just going to die when she said we would. They just made the decision on their own. Something that they could hold in their hands.

Something in their hands.

I stared at the cliff. What did I want? I never answered it.

Nothing was real anymore. Everything that I believed in was a lie. Cathlin was scared of me. Gerth manipulated me. They all just used me. I never had any control in what I wanted to do. It was just what someone else wanted. And it was just meaningless in the end.

My hands fell into the grass. There was a rock against my palm, but I didn’t care. I leaned a little forward looking up at Kather. She’s not there in her celestial home looking upon us. You’re not even real. None of it. Just a stupid experiment. We’re all just puppets being watched.

“No more!” I shouted to the stars. It rattled through me feeling as hollow as I felt.

I stood up slowly standing at the edge not looking down. She wasn’t up there, but I stared as though she was. “You don’t get your entertainment! We’re alive! Alive!” I leaned a bit forward.

Alive.

I’m alive.

This is what I control. This is what I want. This is the only meaning I have.

I’m alive.

I slid a foot closer to the edge. They wouldn’t get what they wanted from me. I’d show them!

“Eshikra.”

My leg stopped. I looked back thinking I heard her. No, she’s not here. I’m hearing things.

“Eshikra.”

There was no one else here. So why did I hear my mother call to me? Why am I crying harder? Why am I standing here on the edge of the cliff?

Why was I doing this when I should get home?

I stepped back. My legs were shaking, dropping myself on my butt. I tried to wipe away my tears, but they wouldn’t stop. Even if I don’t have a reason, I need to see both of them again. I can’t let it all be for nothing.

I stayed up there on that cliff all night. I fell asleep. Damn. I couldn’t stay. I needed to leave now.

The walk back to Thesil felt so empty. I couldn’t enjoy their smiles anymore. It was all as fake as our religion. Dammit.

It was still early morning when I returned. My pack was at the bed where I had slept. Everything was in order. Looking at the map for the first time in weeks, I found Thesil. It was a small distance from the Wastes and out of the way to get back to Ject. I would have to head back up north a little to get on the road I came on.

It would take me through some village called Lethon. I’d be able to resupply there. Looking to the kitchen, I knew I could make myself a few things for the road. They wouldn’t last, but I could have them today and maybe get some rations from the temple. I’ve been avoiding them the entire time, but I can’t run away now.

By the afternoon, I stepped out. I cleaned things up a little even if no one else may ever use it again. It wouldn’t be right to leave it a mess. I walked over to Ethie. She could see me from her window. Loaded up as I was, it should be pretty clear.

She hurried out to the front of her home. “Eshikra, not staying?” A wide smile remained on her face, fake and hollow.

I nodded to her. “That’s right. It’s time that I made my way home. I’ve stayed too long. Thank you for all of the help and for giving me a place to rest.”

“If that’s what you decided, then safe travels. Maybe Ministra’s light watch your path.”

Simple as that. They really didn’t seem to have any connections. What was community to them?

I started to step away, but stopped. Looking back at her. “Ethie, Eresil and Yumie, they went to see family in Berent.”

Her eyes narrowed slightly, but kept smiling. “I understand.” She turned and walked back to her house. Did she care?

They had said it got to be too much for them. Exhausting. I guess faking it really would get tiring at a certain point. Everyone has a breaking point. This a cruel town fit for a cruel world.

I turned as well and started my walk. Once more I hit the road, but not this time on an empty quest. A journey to reach home, no matter what.