The Train Will Be Departing Shortly

🎸

It was raining that day.

Haruki sat curled up on the living room floor, legs tucked under her, eyes puffy. Her stuffed bear, Kuma-chan, was lying on its side next to her, one ear soaked from wiping her eyes too many times.

Her mother entered quietly, sitting next to her.

“Want to tell me what happened?”

“I don’t know,” little Haruki said.

Her mother patiently waited.

“…Actually, I do.”

She wiped her eyes with her fingers and let out a sniffle.

“I don’t wanna be me anymore.”

“Why not, sweetheart?”

“Everyone’s better at everything. They’re prettier. And smarter. Like Hana, or Chiyo. They always know what to say… and I always make mistakes.”

She picked at the carpet. “I mess up and talk funny. And sometimes I forget what I was gonna say and then everyone stares at me.”

Her mother didn’t rush to answer. She looked down at Kuma-chan, gave his belly a small pat.

“You know what I think? I think… the world doesn’t need another perfect person.”

Haruki peeked up at her.

“It’s okay to make mistakes. What’s important…" Her mother looked with a genuine smile. "…is that you try anyway.”

Little Haruki blinked at her mother’s words.

“The silly you. The loud, sleepy, sometimes-messy you. The you that sings to Kuma-chan when you think no one’s listening. That’s the you I love. And I think… if people saw that girl, they’d love her too.”

“But what if they don’t?”

Her mom brushing a finger through Haruki’s hair. 

“Then they’re missing out on someone really special.”

Haruki lunged forward, and her mother caught her in a warm hug.

A tear ran down her cheek, leaving a string-shaped stain on her mother's blouse.

Outside, the rain continued to come down. 

It kissed the window with gentle taps.

⊹ ▬ ▬ ⊹ ⊹ ▬ ▬ ▬ ⊹

Haruki stared into the bathroom mirror.

The girl staring back at her had dark circles under her eyes. Her hair hung in tangled strands from the night before, and her expression was empty.

She lifted a hand to her face, tracing the curve of her cheek, the line of her jaw.
She wondered if this was really her at all.

The priestess’s words had gnawed at her.

She wasn’t in control. She wasn’t herself anymore.

With a sharp exhale, Haruki reached for the faucet, splashing water on her face. Desperate to wash away this feeling. 

When she looked back up, she only saw a girl who was slowly starting to fade.

Her phone buzzed.

She stared at the notification on the screen. It was her friends. They expected her to be at the festival. 

“Where are you? The festival is starting. Please answer…”

She didn’t answer.

She couldn’t.

She walked into the living room and sat down on the couch. She let the silence set in, and her gaze fall to the blank wall in front of her. The phone rested in her palm, waiting.

Thoughts circled, then spiraled.

Why me? Why now?

She closed her eyes.

I’m just a shadow. A mistake the world hasn’t corrected yet.

Her breath caught in her throat. She thought about those recent occurrences. Her friends. How they were affected by her odd behavior. Aika and Sakura were worried now. Mayumi tried her best to comfort her, but…

The cracks continued to form. Continued to worsen. And the more she stayed near them, the more things unraveled.

Maybe she wasn’t supposed to be here at all. Maybe her continuing to exist like this was the reason things were falling apart.

If she disappeared… maybe things would return to normal. Maybe the world would heal itself.

If this was going to fall apart, if she couldn’t stop it, she wouldn’t put her friends through it too. They didn’t deserve this. They had too much to worry about already. They had the band. They had their own lives.

The phone buzzed again. Then a third time.

She ignored the messages as her thumb moved over the screen. She didn’t type right away. She could almost hear their worried voices, calling for her, wondering where she was.

They’d be okay without her, she thought. In time, they’d forget. Just like her friends from before. And maybe that was best.

“I’m not coming to the festival, sorry.”

She stared at it.

Then hit send. 

The message delivered with a soft ping, and she turned her phone off.

Her gaze fell on the wall again, contemplating.

Then she stood up, walked to her room, and reached for her backpack.

She moved mechanically.

Clothes.
A charger.
Her wallet.
A photo.
An umbrella.

Her hand hesitated over her guitar case.

She left it.

The tabby meowed before she could step out the door. It asked where she was going.

She stroked its whiskers. “Don’t worry about me.”

With that, she stepped out of her apartment. The sky was a dull grey as a heavy downpour pummeled against the ground. It pitter-pattered against her translucent umbrella.

On the living room couch, a hastily written note was all that remained.

⊹ ▬ ▬ ⊹ ⊹ ▬ ▬ ▬ ⊹

By the time Haruki reached Sapporo Station, the rain had lightened up, replaced by a cold wind that had settled in its place. 

She stood alone on the platform. Leftover raindrops clung to her bangs and slid down her cheeks like tears she didn’t have the strength to cry anymore. Her breath was frozen, her hands were numb. 

The loudspeaker crackled overhead:

(The Limited Express Hokuto number 12, bound for Hakodate,
will depart from platform 6 in five minutes. A reserved seat ticket is required.)
「特急ほくと12号、函館行きは、6番線から5分後に発車します。指定席券が必要です。」

She glanced up at the timetable. 

This is it.

The platform was mostly empty. A few commuters. A man in a suit checking his watch. A woman cradling a sleeping child. No one looked at her.

Good.

She didn’t want to be seen right now.

She gripped her umbrella a little tighter, eyes falling to the tracks.

A brief thought crossed her mind.

I could still turn back…

But she quickly wiped it away. 

No. She couldn’t. Not now.

They’d called her talented, special, a prodigy even.
But she knew now that every compliment belonged to someone else.

I’m not real. I never was. Just taking up space I was never meant to have.

She thought about her friends. She didn’t deserve any of them. 

I don’t belong.
I never did.

(Limited Express Hokuto 12 will soon arrive on platform 6.
Please stand behind the yellow line.)
「特急ほくと12号がまもなく6番線に到着します。
黄色い線の内側にお下がりください。」

She closed her eyes. The rainwater seeped through the tips of her shoes, soaking her socks.

Would Father even notice? That I was gone?

A gust of wind swept.
Tracks vibrating as the train approached.
Headlights pierced through the rainy fog.

Haruki’s hair whipped around her face from the train’s incoming draft.

(Attention: the train is now arriving.) 
「ご案内いたします。電車がまもなく到着します。」

It slowed to a halt in front of her. The doors slid open with a ding.

Her legs carried her forward on instinct. The train would take her far enough that she could disappear for a while. Maybe forever, if needed. 

It was then, with one leg on the train and the other still on the platform, she heard something.

Footsteps. Rapid ones, echoing off the platform tiles behind her.

“Haruki!!”

She spun around.

Kenji.

He burst out of the stairwell, completely soaked. 

“Don’t go,” his voice cracked. “Not yet.”

Haruki stared at him in stunned silence.

Kenji wheezed, hands on his knees. “God… I hate the outdoors.”

“Kenji, what are you doing here?”

He looked up at her, pushing up his glasses with a shaky hand. They immediately slipped again, slick with rain and fogged from his breath. “I could ask you the same.”

Haruki didn’t answer.

“Shouldn’t you be preparing for that festival thing?” Kenji asked, still breathless.

She turned away, voice low. “You don’t understand.”

“Then help me. Explain it to me. Because I don’t get it, okay?”

The conductor’s voice boomed down the platform, announcing the final boarding call.

"Final boarding call! Limited Express Hokuto 12 bound for Hakodate!"

“You know, your friends are worried about you…” Kenji added. “Mayumi told us about what happened at the cemetery.”

He stepped closer. 

His normally sarcastic tone had been replaced with an awkward honesty. 

“Look, I don’t know what’s going on… I don’t. And I’m not gonna pretend I understand whatever this… this thing that’s hurting you… but I can say this. Your friends? They care about you. You think you’re not important. You’re wrong. You were the one holding everything together.”

Another step.

“You’re not a burden to them. They want you there. It doesn’t matter what you’re dealing with, they don’t care.”

(The train will be departing shortly. Please stand behind the yellow line.)
「電車はまもなく発車します。黄色い線の内側にお下がりください。」

Haruki’s chest tightened. She should have just boarded, but she couldn’t seem to pull away.

“We're with you no matter what happens. Promise.”

She stood frozen for a second longer, her eyes on the yellow line at her feet. Then, without realizing, she stepped back.

(Doors are closing. Please stand clear.)
「ドアが閉まります。ご注意ください。」

The train’s doors shut. As quickly as it came, it roared away into the night. Haruki watched it go, her hair waved it goodbye.

Silence again.

She turned toward Kenji. She didn’t look up, but she stepped closer.
Until they stood just a breath apart. 

"I forgot to leave food for my cat..." Haruki sniffled quietly. 

“Wait—are you crying again?”

“N—No! Shut up, idiot.”

At that moment, a fluffy white speck landed on the ground... then another. And then some more.

Haruki watched as delicate snowflakes floated gently down from the sky above, melting as they touched the wet platform. The first snowfall. 

She had made up her mind. 

“I want to go back,” she whispered. 

“You… you do?”

She gave a small nod. “Not really. But… yeah. I think so…”

“Okay. Cool. I mean, not cool. But cool.”

“…The others are still waiting, aren’t they?” 

“Panicking,” Kenji said. “Sakura tried to make me hack your phone. Mayumi cried and wanted to call the police. Aika threatened to break my legs if I didn’t find you."

He lowered his head and sighed. "Thanks for that, by the way...” 

Haruki let out a laugh. It was hoarse and unintended, but it was real.

“…Then we should hurry,” she said. “I don't want to keep them waiting.”

🎸