Indigo

A school of fish swim past me, entrancing me in their myriad of colors while Emuru stands next to me, watching them float by with a blank expression on her face.

She was blue—specifically a slightly darker tint that was just barely lighter than the waters that surrounded us in the indoor aquarium.

In addition to being a lot quieter than normal, I also noticed that she’s been sadder. Recently, the days she was blue vastly outnumbered the days and periods of time she was any other color.

“Mama, mama! The seal show is about to start, let’s hurry!” a little kid shouts as he runs past the two of us.

One by one, the people around us begin to leave as they shuffle out of the room, leaving only a few older people and the two of us alone. I stared at Emuru, watching her blankly stare at the fish swimming by. I began to wonder whether she was actually looking at them, or if she was just lost in thought. She said that this trip together was supposed get us to know more about each other, but she had been silent the whole day.

“We’re not going to see the show?” I asked.

She doesn’t respond.

Her silence made me feel sad, and I began to wonder if there was actually something troubling her that she wasn’t telling me about.

Seeing as there was almost no one around us, I decided that right now would be a good opportunity to ask her about it.

“Emuru, what’s wrong?”

The question seems to provoke a response out of her, as she suddenly flips her head towards me.

“Hmm?” she asks, “nothing’s wrong, I’m fine.”

I give her a doubtful look.

“People who are fine, aren’t normally sad.”

She fakes a smile.

“You know that doesn’t work on me.”

Her eyes sull again.

“Right,” she said, “you can still see colors like that huh?”

I nodded.

“Please, Emuru,” I said, “I’m worried.”

For a brief moment, I see a flash of shock in her eyes before a realization seems to dawn on her. Silently, she turns back towards the fish swimming in the waters around us.

“...Do you know why I was so interested in you the first time we met? Why I wanted to help you so much despite how weird you seemed?”

“I’ve been wanting to know for a long time,” I replied.

“It’s because I remember when I was just like— almost like —you,” she said.

“What do you mean?”

“I lied,” she said, “...my old friend that I said was similar to you? She was actually me.”

I took a moment to process her words before the realization kicked in.

“You were bullied?” I asked, my voice growing slightly angrier, “are you being bullied right now?! Who are they? I’ll—”

“No,” she softly cuts me off, “not anymore. Adults don’t really bully each other—or at least not in the traditional sense like teenagers do… The thing is… things got better after high school—I was surprised to see it happen but it did. So I decided that I wanted to be better too. I wanted to fix my old introverted personality and be friends with everyone when I got to college.”

She turns towards me.

“But you see… it’s exhausting acting like this—acting so extroverted and trying to make friends. I couldn’t keep up the act forever, and I eventually started falling back to my old introverted habits. …It’s not like I can’t talk to people; it’s just that talking to them is exhausting. My new friends eventually caught on to my act soon after, and after ghosting me for a few months, they told me that my personality changes were too much to handle. They said they couldn't trust someone who could switch up their personalities so easily. We had a falling out and… that’s when I saw you on the bus.”

I open my mouth to say something, but she holds her finger out as if telling me to shush.

“Let me finish,” she said.

I nodded.

“When you asked me if I was okay, my instinct took over and I put up the extrovert act again. After all, I had just lost my friends, and I was desperate to make more… But then, the next day, when I found out you couldn’t see people, I came to a realization—‘this girl is just like me’—I thought—‘The fact that she can only see me, must be destiny. I can finally have a friend without having to put up my act’. You were quiet, you were strange, and you always said what was on your mind, but… but! Seeing you like that—learning that you couldn’t see more things other than just people—I realized I couldn’t just keep you like that... As someone who also used to block a part of the world out like you, I knew exactly how bad it was! …So… little by little, I started to help you see the world again, hoping that one day when you return to normal, we can still be together… but…”

She started crying.

“But then you changed…!” she cried, “you changed in ways I wasn’t so sure I liked. You started becoming the person I was only pretending to be—more outgoing, less introverted. You picked up on the mannerisms and routines of the ideal person I wanted to be—and that’s when I got scared. I got scared that the true you was actually an extroverted person, and just like my old friends, once you’ve fully realized yourself, you would abandon me. You would abandon me because I was too weird—because I was a liar who was only pretending—because you didn’t know what else I could be lying about too. So I figured that before you cut me off, I would save myself the trouble and find out if you think the true me was okay.”

She raised her arms out, as if gesturing towards herself.

“So? What do you think? I said that this trip was for us to get to know each other right? Well the me yesterday—the me today—how quiet and silent I’ve been acting—how distracted and deluded from reality I’ve seemed—all of it is the true me. And I ask you; what do you think of it?”

I ran to hug her—something I realized I should’ve done a long time ago. Her color was drowning in a purple so deep and dark that it was practically indigo—a color I recognized as 'true sorrow'.

“I think it’s beautiful,” I said.

And upon hearing those words, her soft cries turned into audible sobs—still trying to hold them back because we were in a public space, even as empty as it was.

“Is it okay? Is it really okay?” she asked, her voice shaking.

“Of course,” I said, “no offense, but your extrovertedness wasn’t the thing that attracted me to you. It was your kindness and willingness to help me see the true world. Besides, there’s parts of you that you haven’t lied about right?”

“What do you mean?”

“You still like fashion, and eating at the cafe, and drinking coffee, and looking at sunsets right?”

She nodded.

“Then that’s enough for me.”

For a moment, we stood there silently, hugging each other underneath the sea of fish that swam by.

“...Don’t leave me okay?” she said in a whispered tone.

“I won’t,” I whispered back.

“Promise me.”

“I promise.”

“Then… I want to go out with you,” she said.

“...Isn’t that what we’re doing right now?” I asked.

“No… I mean as in like dating—like a couple,” she explained, “...I love you, Nanashi.”

Those words that held a powerful meaning seemed to fly past me.

…Love? I wondered, what’s that?

                                                               -✧─✦-. ⁺【❤】⁺ .-✦─✧-

Today was a tiring day.

After being unable to give her a response to her request, Emuru just smiled and decided to leave it at that. Despite that however, she seemed a little sad, but at the very least, she wasn’t indigo anymore.

Love, I wondered, was that the emotion that I couldn’t see the color of earlier today?

I looked over to her body, perfectly sound asleep on her bed.

I wanted to know what love was—for her sake at the very least.

If only I could recall my memories, I thought, I’m sure the old me would know. If only I could get blob-me to tell me… but I haven’t seen her in a long time. The dreams I have her in sucked, but at least they gave me a clue to what I was like before.

I was sure that blob-me was the only thing that was standing between me and obtaining my full memories back.

Well, whatever, I thought, there’s no point in thinking about it right now. Let’s just go to sleep.

I closed my eyes and slowly began to drift off, however, the next time I opened them, I found myself in a familiar black box.

“Hey,” I heard a familiar voice say, “I heard you missed me.”

I turned around to see blob-me standing alone a few feet away from me.

“You want to know your past?” she asked, “for the sake of that girl?”

I nodded immediately. I didn’t have time to be surprised by her sudden return.

“Are you sure?”

“Of course,” I firmly said.

“Heh. Well it’s not going to be pretty.”

“I don’t expect it to be.”

“You might become a different person entirely if you see it.”

“I don’t care. I want to see it. I’m tired of not knowing things, and I’m tired of seeing you.”

Blob-me thinks for a moment.

“Fine,” she said, “but don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

She then walks over to me and presses her palm on my head.