He Will Definitely Understand

The clock was ticking. If what Margot said was true, I had only a few hours before the Lumineusian party was to leave.

My mind was stricken with anxiety as I wound my way through the palace to get to the library — but hey, at least I remembered the way there (are you proud of me?).

Marie’s comments wouldn’t leave my head. “...you would think to abandon your birthright… for a man who’s simply been kind to you a few times…” My footsteps echoing through the stone halls emphasized just how alone I was.

She’s right. I don’t even know if he actually likes me. He’s just been kind to me a few times. Maybe I’ve been misreading everything.

I passed by one of the palace’s many gardens — one that looked very much like the one back home. Though it had its (many) problems, Lumineuse was a place of certainty. Of security. I was certain I had a place there, a home. Could I really abandon that on a whim? For a man for whom I had no actual proof of his feelings?

If I’m gonna be stuck in this world, where would I want to be? Where could I be?

The more I thought about it, the dumber it sounded. Abandoning everything just because I have a crush on some guy? It really is foolish.

…What if he doesn’t? I’d be stranded here. Without a home to return to. Can I actually just gamble everything like that?

He never said he liked me.

As I approached the library, I heard voices. Finley was talking with someone — probably Stuart, right?

I decided to listen in for a moment, casually slowing my stride to prolong my arrival. Finley’s voice crystallized as I tiptoed closer outside the hall, “...school. I’m not sure how, but I’m certain. She definitely did.”

Is he talking about me? What did I do!? My heart raced. Already self-consciously overanalyzing everything, just hearing Finley speak that way was enough to nearly kill me.

He really doesn’t like me! He doesn’t trust me! Marie was right.

Stuart responded, “I’ll have Nine and Twenty-Four take a look. To think she’d be so bold…”

I didn’t do anything!

The High Scholar’s tone was dead serious. “In the palace itself, too. It was so subtle, I’m probably the only one who could have even possibly noticed the alteration of mana.”

…Wait, mana?

I hadn’t done anything with magic outside of my lessons with Finley, had I?

Maybe I was overthinking a little. Coming hot off the heels of my squabble with Marie, I had no reason to be concerned with random palace business. Must mean it’s some Andraste thing that doesn’t involve me. I took a deep breath, relieved. Phew.

Tired of waiting by the entrance, I stepped out.

“Ack! Elisabeth! Heavens, you scared me,” Finley started, shaking his head.

“Hello, Your Highness,” Stuart said with a wave. Finley looked at Stuart, who nodded and shuffled back into the stacks behind his desk.

“What was that about?” I asked.

Finley let out a tired sigh. “I noticed someone using powerful magic within the palace a few days ago. The kind I ought to investigate.” He gave me a sheepish smile. “But that’s for me to discuss with Stuart later. What brings you to the library so bright and early?”

“Can we talk?” I pleaded. “I need help.”

“Absolutely. Shall we find a place to sit?”

He walked me over to a set of comfortable chairs by a window on the second floor. The cozy atmosphere of a study, midmorning sunlight warming the carpeted floor and reflecting small glints of light on the cases of ancient artefacts, permeated my spirit. It was nice to be in the library.

On the way over, I couldn’t help but scan through the books around us. On the table in between the chairs, I saw the cover of a book titled, “glizzyGodd: this is actually crazy” — no, that’s-

Stop hallucinating, me! I blinked and shook my head. What did that say? I read it again. Glitzy Gold: The Actor’s Cradle.

Sure. Sure, whatever.

I tore my attention from the cover. Not important. Forget the hallucination; I’m just tired. Tell Finley what’s up.

“So, I had a fight with Marie,” I admitted as I flopped down.

Concerned, he searched deep in my face. “What happened?”

“It was about that decree. The order to return home. She thinks I should obey.” I buried my face in my hands. And maybe I should.

He considered me for a moment. “It was a rather grave announcement. Intriguing how… Well, nevertheless, as I said yesterday, I think it’d be lovely if you stayed here.” He smiled.

I wanted to scream, “But why! Why do you want me to stay here? If you like me, just say it, dammit!”

Instead of flying off the handle, I sighed shakily. “Andraste is incredible. And I don’t want to marry the Duke’s son. I told you how awful he was. But I’m not sure what other choices I have with my father’s orders like that.” I sank into the plush red seat. I’ll leave out the bit about confessing my feelings, I think. I’d rather not make a fool of myself now. My heart skipped a beat at the thought.

“You’re having trouble choosing, then? Between going back and staying.” Confusion emerged on his face, as if the very thought that I might return to Lumineuse was utterly incomprehensible. He leaned forward and made a pyramid with his fingers.

I nodded. “After that spat with Marie, I’m just torn. Maybe she’s right. Maybe it’s for the best that I actually return home. It’s rather serious. It’s my birthright, my duty to the people. My only home.” All I’ve got now, at least. I’m not a lonely streamer anymore.

Finley sat back. “You don’t think you’d want to stay here in Andraste? Are you serious?”

Huh? Finley, what is that tone?

My knees suddenly looked very interesting. “I think that I would love to stay, honestly. But it isn’t so simple.” I leaned to the side, trying to make myself comfortable against one of the armrests. “I do see Marie’s point.” About chucking it all out on a whim, I thought.

I continued, “It’s… all I know. I have a duty to my people. Even though I don't want to go back to my father and that jerk, I have to consider what the citizens of Lumineuse would think of me staying here." I choked out a laugh. "I mean, more than half of them must think you all are dangerous, untrustworthy magicians."

He was taken aback. “What do you mean?”

“Well, you know, the kingdom’s view on magic. I’m not sure there would be a peaceful way to-”

“What? You would discard it so easily?” Finley dejectedly murmured.

Confusion overtook me in turn. “What? No, I think magic is wonderful! Truly! But I couldn’t maintain any position as Princess of the Lumineuse Kingdom if-”

“So what, you’re as closed-minded as your people? Unable to imagine anything other than the status quo?”

I was stunned. His tone was incredulous, a pained mutter I’d never heard from him before.

My stomach tightened. Is he really more concerned about magic right now!?

His expression, distressed and indignant, caught my gaze. I looked into his eyes, and a pang went through my heart. Has this all been about just finding a magic buddy?

“On edge” wouldn’t have even been able to begin to describe my mental state at that moment. The stress from the decree, the thought of returning to the kingdom, the fight with Marie — it wound me tighter than a spring.

I snapped, “Why are you so focused on that? Is magic all you can care about!?” My voice became strident, entirely out of my control. “You can only think of magic and your own ego at a time like this? What about me?!”

He didn’t reply. The silence of the library overcame us, absolutely deafening.

I fell back against my chair.

I… I went too far. That was unfair.

His eyebrows were raised, tight, mouth slightly open, as he drew a deep breath, then exhaled. His head fell.

“I had hoped I had demonstrated my care already.” His face turned away, and I couldn’t see his expression. “You’re the one who brought up magic in the first place, Elisabeth.” His voice was little more than a whisper.

“I just meant- …As, like, a way to explain-” I tripped over my words.

He looked back at me. His eyes were full of pain. “It seems you have a lot to think about, Princess Lumineuse.”

Slowly rising to his feet, he spoke with melancholic wistfulness, “I think it’s something best decided on your own. I’ll… leave you to it.” Tinged with sadness, his final words rang through my ears

He disappeared into the stacks of the library before I could close my dropped jaw.

I sat there in shock.

How did things end like that? I only wanted to…

Tears began to trickle down my cheeks.

It went so wrong.

They streamed down my face, drip-dropping off the bottoms of my cheeks, creating wet patches on my dress. I didn’t wipe them away.

Why? Why does everything keep going so wrong? First Marie, now Finley…

Shocks reverberated through me as I choked back my tears.

Am I alone?

I couldn’t bear to look at the world. My palms became slick with salty water as I covered my face with both hands.

What am I supposed to do?