Ghosts - 5/27

After returning last night, the group unceremoniously set up their makeshift sleeping spaces and went right to sleep, with the able-bodied rotating on a watch throughout the night. They might have done that the night before, and I just didn’t realize, or everyone just agreed to risk it back then. We were alive, so there is no point in dwelling on it.

With some more soup for breakfast, they packed everything up, including getting me situated in my chair. Based on the look of things, they hadn’t found much during their search.

“Not to be that guy Tony, but at our current pace, when are we getting out of this crap hole,” Alex asks after securing my straps.

“I’d say three to four days at this pace, but likely with slowing down and the west side being more unpredictable, closer to five.”

Alex groans.

“You made your bed, get to lying in it,” Tony replies as he throws his backpack up with his good arm.

“Yeah, yeah, says the guy who is skimping out on chair duty.”

“It’s my well-deserved break and you know it,” he responds, starting off behind Annitta and the other girls as they make their way down the road. Our path was getting more congested with each block.

As we had traveled yesterday, more cars had begun to inhabit the street, a reminder of those who had tried to leave only to get stuck and had to continue on food, abandoning the last bits of their old lives in what has become a steel graveyard. Unfortunately for us, most people still found it in themselves to lock the car as they fled, leaving very few open for a quick looting, and making the general task not worth the effort unless something was visible inside.

The others are putting some distance between us, and I decide to ask Alex the same questions I had asked the others yesterday.

He corroborated the story, adding his own alarmingly callous details, including the parts the others had chosen not to voice.

“I’m glad our group didn’t have to go to those lengths,” I conclude.

“Who's to say it didn’t? We’re all on borrowed time now, after all. And we had to borrow it from someone.”

He was right, of course, and I knew it better than anyone. Maybe I hadn’t pulled a trigger for food myself, but I had sure stolen time from people. Time I couldn’t give back.

I watch Marcos walking behind me as Alex continues in the background. I’d never really asked Marcos what he had gone through outside the tent, or what he and Jasper had to do to keep us all alive.

Was it similar to Alex’s story? Was he keeping me in the dark the same way they did with Rachel, only bringing back the food while keeping the misdeeds stored deep inside? I wondered if that was what was bothering Marcos. Or maybe it was the idea of teaming up with people who did choose to go this far to survive.

Alex finishes one of his more lighthearted tales about a stray cat they had run into.

“So no other human run-ins?” I ask.

“Few for sure, but we learned from them and got better, so they weren’t as notable. Lucie is dead near silent when she wants to be, makes not gettin’ caught much easier.”

“Much rather be a thief than a killer if I can help it,” Lucie adds from the back, the rifle in her hands not making a convincing case.

“And most of all, we want to keep Rachel from becoming either,” Alex reminds me. “So best keep this all to yourself now you know.”

“What have you told her exactly? Guess I need to make sure I keep your story straight.”

“As far as she knows, everyone went their separate ways in the floodwater and is doing fine. No bad people ever ran into us, and everything we have is ours. Even planted some of our food in places after stealing it. Let her make the find. Make it a big old game, best we can,” Alex says, chuckling to himself during parts of it.

He is just crazy. They all are.

I feel like, even despite her age, Rachel would be able to catch on to these people’s tactics. I hadn’t dealt with a young kid since I was one myself, so maybe they understood something I didn’t, but it was far-fetched even for a seven-year-old.

After talking to Alex some more, I concluded that it simply didn’t matter what was wrong with them. There was nothing I could do to change their minds. They were just surviving how they saw fit.

I look down at the picture of Julie in my flexed left hand, the blood stains from my escape cover the photo, making it barely recognizable. There had been no screaming in my head since that evening, no alarms. Only the silent faces caught occasionally at the corner of my eye.

Have they forgiven me?

If they had, maybe I needed to forgive Alex. Forgive all of them for what they had done beforehand, or even what they might do in the future. Their ghosts didn’t haunt them the same way. I’m not sure that justified everything, but he was right; all of us were just borrowing time from other people at this point.

Every bit of food we eat could save the next group. Or we might rest when someone needs us most. That was even true before the end of the world, it had just finally fallen into a manageable perspective for me.

It’s part of being alive.

The warm sun beamed down on me, evaporating the regrets I was holding onto as I let them go. I would carry Julie’s photo, because someone asked me to, but I didn’t need to be haunted by it.

I thank Jasper and Samantha for their help.

I wish the best for Uma and Josh.

I purge the worry of Alex and his group's misdeeds.

If Alex could feel the weight lifted from my shoulders, he would never have to complain about carrying me again.

My eyes drift back down from the sky, unburdened, as I gaze once more at the solemn Marcos. I owed him to help him feel the same way, to bring back the Marcos that had gotten me this far. I’d drag him back from the depths of hell if I had to.

Marcos and Alex switch places, and I immediately don’t know what to say.

It’s alright, we can help him tomorrow.

We work our way past what feels like thousands of cars, many partially crushed by the buildings that had once towered overhead. Only a few times did we have to traverse over perilous sections of fallen building, though, so the day went by without a hitch.

I felt truly hopeful for what might have been the first time.