Wasteland - 5/29

It had now been three full days of riding on the dolly, and it was becoming ever more painful as the hours ticked by.

By the fourth morning, not only did the straps dig into my skin at every bump, but every small wound I had obtained while escaping the store was starting to itch as they began to scab over. With my torso strapped down like a prisoner being transported, all I could do was writhe in annoyance until we took the seemingly minuscule breaks that Annitta allowed.

“At this point, I might agree to have you take my legs off if they don’t stop itching,” I told Alex as we stopped in the early morning.

“Ah, hell, don’t tempt me now. I’m so tired of carrying you, it’s like the devil in the desert offering me water. I’d bite 'em off if I could.”

I wasn’t sure if that was because of my weight or the current water situation we had found ourselves in.

Our last couple of days had been slow, and on top of that, we were once again dangerously low on water. Every area we looked was picked clean or thoroughly destroyed, and on top of all of that, our stove was out of fuel to purify anything. If they weren’t able to find anything today, the next couple of days would be our last.

We are so close to making it, yet faltering right at the end.

“I don’t think I've got it in me to drag you much more today. If we run into one roadblock, we’ll have to call it for the day,” Alex says as we start up once more. Roadblocks were numerous as the stars in the sky at this point, however, so after only about two more blocks, we stop and call it a day.

“Everyone able to, we need to spread out the area and look for water, fuel, anything,” Alex starts.

“Stay within earshot, check in every ten minutes, best you can. Meet back here within an hour before going further,” Lucie confirms. With all the smart watches dying weeks ago, she was the only one able to truly keep time on her old ratty analog one. I thought they died out years ago as far as daily use, but I was glad for Lucie’s age when we did need the thing.

Everyone but me started to get up. Either by a sense of desperation or obligation. But Alex made Marcos sit back down next to me.

Oh crap.

“Someone needs to keep an eye on him, and I ain’t letting you walk more anyway.”

“Fine,” Marcos huffed, his voice more gravelly than I had remembered it. He sounded more exhausted than ever before, which was saying something since he hadn’t stopped moving in the two weeks since The Big One.

The others made their way around the desolate area to begin their search. I had seen them scavenge nearby a few times, and it wasn’t all that interesting at this point. Everything had been picked clean days ago, with the only recent signs of human activity being waste and some garbage. Alex had concluded that anyone who was making it out was already ahead of us, not holding back his intention as he looked directly at me while saying it. All that left me was time with Marcos alone, which I had hoped for as much as I had been dreading.

Marcos has started acting more normal recently, but only around everyone other than me. Alex had noticed it and let me know, only for him to refuse me any advice on the situation.

“Got one kid to babysit. Figure your own crap out,” he said.

Despite multiple days of nothing but time as they dragged me along. I still didn’t feel like I was prepared to talk to him, yet I knew I had to try at some point.

Better now than never.

“Why did he make you stay behind?” I ask tentatively.

“Said to watch you.”

“I’m not going anywhere, can’t.”

“Maybe that is why I need to stay.”

His tone sounded scared for some reason. It wasn’t how I remembered him sounding the last time we talked, which already felt like a lifetime ago.

“Is… this about what happened back… well, back with Lan?”

I knew that was part of it, but Marcos had seen plenty of deaths. I can’t understand why it shut him down.

“It’s about all of it. Just everything,” he says, looking down at his feet. The backs of his shoes, much like everyone else's, were worn. His ripped jeans were even more tattered than before and caked in a layer of dust and dirt that made them almost unrecognizable as pants. Nobody else was fairing better with the lack of water, but compared to how clean he had kept himself at the tent, the difference was much more stark.

“I… well, I’m not much of an expert on it all… but you can talk to me at least. Technically, I’ve known you the longest out of the group.”

“I don’t think you know me at all.”

“Doesn’t mean I can’t?” I say, questioning myself as much as I was questioning him.

“Maybe best you don’t. At least not now.”

“Whatever is eating you up, though, isn’t it better to get it off your chest?”

As if I were one to talk. My entire existence up until a few days ago was bottling up my emotions, even more so after the world started ending. Yet here I was, offering advice to one of the people who had taken care of me. The one who had personally taken responsibility for me multiple times.

“Honestly, probably not. Won’t do us any good right now.”

“It will if it brings you back to us.”

“Group works fine plenty as is.”

“Maybe they work fine. But that’s just survival.”

“What do you expect otherwise?”

“I mean…”

I trailed off. I did not in fact know what I meant. They were fine without Marcos talking to them, and obviously had been before meeting us. They probably wished I were quieter too. Marcos wasn’t fine, though, and out of our whole party, that was what mattered most to me.

He hadn’t interrupted me as I thought, so I continued,

“I guess I thought it would feel more like it did before, is all.”

“Some things we can’t take back. Just how it is.”

I still wasn’t getting my point across properly. How did I tell him that I missed him? I felt lonelier in this group than I had when it was just the three of us. Or that even the single day of just him and me was the reason I felt I could keep going?

“I just didn’t expect to lose both you and Lan…”

“What do you mean, lose me?” Marcos responds, making me jump a little. I had not realized the last thought was out loud. My cheeks flushed.

“It’s just, you… You are distant, is all.”

“Distant? Lance, we have barely talked to one another anyway. You’ve spent more days with this group than you did with me. It’s not like we chatted much before.”

His words stung more than I expected, even if I knew something like that was bound to be his response. He was right, sure, we hadn’t talked all that much. Our one day together alone was all business. It wasn’t all business to me, though; he had stuck around with me, chosen me over the others. Over himself. When I had dragged myself out of the building, all I could think about was getting to him.

A guy I barely knew, and who barely knew me.

“Yeah, you’re right,” I mutter.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad you are alive. That’s part of the problem…”

“Why is it a problem that I’m alive?” I ask.

He pauses for a moment and looks at me before putting his head in his hands.

“Because I was happy it was Lan and not you. And I hate myself for feeling that way,” he finishes.

I wanted to say more to him, but I was back to square one, dumbstruck. For all my big talk, I had no advice to offer him. There was nothing I could say to that. We sit in silence, shoulder to shoulder, watching as the afternoon sun dances across the sky.