Chapter 16: The Innocent’s Abroad, by Mark Twain – Part 2

As Aaron continued to reel from the revelation that he may actually be a moron, Virgil continued to press on.

“But if you’re B-ranked, then that means that it’s your friends who are C-ranked,” Virgil mused aloud.

“Okay, now how could you possibly know that?” Aaron asked incredulously.

“Think it through, son. Think. It. Through. How could I possibly know that?” Virgil asked.

Aaron looked to Virgil but Virgil simply crossed his arms and refused to budge. Then, Aaron turned right and spotted his own reflection.

“...Because of my armor,” Aaron said sheepishly.

“And if you’re the B-ranked and you’re here to get someone to level 280 with Bunker Turtles…” Virgil trailed off.

“Then they’re the ones who are trying to level up,” said Aaron.

“It’s called deductive reasoning. Learn to extrapolate from incomplete datasets,” said Virgil. “Or what? Did you think I was, an administrator?” he asked jokingly.

“Honestly? The thought did cross my mind,” said Aaron.

“But even I were, did you think I was going to tell you? And even if I did, would you have believed me?” Virgil asked.

Aaron didn’t know what to say so he opted to say nothing. Saying nothing is an underrated skill because there’s a lot to learn by listening.

There is no such thing as a stupid question, only stupid people, and there are a lot of stupid people in this world, whether that’s stupid people who never ask questions, stupid people who ask the wrong questions, stupid people who don’t learn from true answers, or stupid people who are incapable of discerning true answers from lies. If there’s one thing that should be taught and cultivated in school, it’s critical thinking. In a world of search engines and unfettered access to the collective sum total of humanity’s knowledge, the problem isn’t getting answers, the problem is that people are retarded. Always doubt. Doubt is the basis of truth. Doubt is the basis of trust. Always doubt – but listen first.

Virgil took the silence well and nodded approvingly. “Good. You’re learning,” he said. “So what am I?”

Aaron looked Virgil up and down and concluded, “You’re an A-ranker. Maybe even an S.”

“Based on what?” Virgil asked.

“That you’re old, that you said “I’ve never seen you before”, which means you’re a local, and if you’re a local that means that you own a house in Moosehead and only rich people can afford to do that,” Aaron replied.

“Bingo,” said Virgil. “Yes, I am an S-ranker.”

“But if you’re S-ranked, why would you even bother taking a train? Why wouldn’t you just portal?” Aaron asked.

“Why? Because trains are criminally underrated,” Virgil replied. “I like riding trains – I’m very partial to them, you see. When I was young, my friends and I used to travel the world but we were poor so we used trains to go everywhere. We called it the Grand Tour. Now, I’m the last one and soon, I’ll be gone so this is really more like my Last Tour.”

Ah, right – the culling. Aaron had forgotten about that.

“I’m sorry,” Aaron apologized sympathetically.

“Bah, don’t be,” Virgil replied good-naturedly. “I’ve lived long enough. But it’s nice to have a conversation though. No one talks to you when you’re old; no one pays attention to you. We’re completely invisible until someone wants something from you.”

“But you’re S-ranked – you’re one of the most powerful people in the server,” said Aaron.

“You grossly over-estimate the value of this title,” Virgil offered in response. “Even when you’re rich, even when you’re powerful – you’ll find that after a certain point, when all your needs and desires are met, how utterly pointless it all is. You can buy company, but you can’t buy good company. Talking to you today has been the most fun I’ve had in years.”

“That’s...really sad,” said Aaron.

“Isn’t it?” Virgil said back.

It was at this point that the train began to whistle in two short bursts and began to slow down. Aaron turned to look to the side and he saw the platform Virgil had mentioned earlier. It was a simple stone platform built right into the viaduct, little more than a staircase which ran parallel to the bridge until it reached the ground.

“How long does it stay here?” Aaron asked.

“About 5 minutes,” Virgil replied.

“Have you ever been down there?” Aaron asked.

“Oh yes,” Virgil said with a nod. “Several times.”

“And?” asked Aaron.

Virgil smiled and said, “Why ask me? See for yourself.”

“I would, but I don’t have time,” Aaron said with a frown.

“Ah, right. You wanted to save your friends. So how do you plan on getting trophies?” Virgil asked.

“Honestly, I don’t know,” Aaron replied. “The leaderboards show that the current minimum to stay above the bottom 20% is 53 trophies. We can only get trophies from rare spawns so we’re going to need to get lucky at least 106 times within the next 5 days, and that’s assuming that that number doesn’t change.”

“They didn’t hunt during the whole season?” Virgil asked.

“No, we hunted every day, we were just boosting me,” Aaron replied.

“Boosting?” Virgil asked.

“Uh, they gave me all the EXP and trophies so that I could get into the A-rank contenders,” Aaron explained.

“Ahh, pushing. That’s what we used to call it,” said Virgil. “And you made it all the way to contender! At your age? Very impressive.”

“A few days ago, I would have said thanks but now I wish I had never even tried,” Aaron confessed.

“I can see why your friends wanted to help you,” said Virgil. “Now let me help you. Would you like to know a way to easily farm trophies?”

Immediately, Aaron sat up and gave Virgil his full attention. “Yes. Yes!” he said emphatically.

“Go to the Canto Mountains,” said Virgil. “Beneath Mt. Inferno, there are 9 circular levels called rings. At the bottom of the 9th ring, there is a glacial lake with a boss monster called the Betrayer. There is a touchstone just outside the entrance of the Betrayer’s lake – it is a respawning point which you can set, which will allow you to revive there if you die. When you defeat the Betrayer, you will be awarded a number of drops, the most important of which is the Black Dahlia. The Black Dahlia is a boss trophy which always spawns and boss trophies are worth 5 rare spawn trophies. You can fight the Betrayer any number of times as all you need to do to reset the zone is touch the touchstone. If you don’t touch the touchstone, the Betrayer doesn’t respawn.”

“This is incredible! Can you mark it down for me?” Aaron asked.

“Of course,” said Virgil. “Friend me.”

Aaron quickly pulled down his HUD menu, sent Virgil the friend request, and Virgil accepted it, which allowed Aaron to grant Virgil access to Aaron’s mini-map. After taking control of Aaron’s mini-map, Virgil marked down all the points of interest, everything from the route to the location of the touchstone. Meanwhile, the train whistled twice and then began to move again.

“The great thing about this boss is that to my knowledge, no one else knows about it. None of my friends ever told anyone else and I’m the last one still alive,” said Virgil. “The Betrayer was added when touchstones were still an actively supported mechanic. Devs stopped adding touchstones more then 20 patches ago. Touchstones still exist, but they’re a grandfathered mechanic so you’d have to know both their function and location in order to use one. That means that even if someone managed to accidentally wander into Mt. Inferno and descend 9 rings, if you don’t know about the touchstone, you’ll only be able to defeat the Betrayer once so I honestly doubt anyone in your generation will be able to farm it. Be careful though – you’ll have to carry all of your items and equipment with you because there are no settlements nearby and none of you can portal. Defeating the Betrayer is pretty easy to kill at first but it gets stronger according to the number of times it’s been defeated, but only for the one with the highest Betrayer kill count. For example, if a guy kills it 10 times, it becomes a level 10 Betrayer. If you have a party of 2 where one guy’s killed it 10 times and another who’s killed it 3 times, it still spawns as a level 10 Betrayer. Try to split up who gets the final blow in your party to keep the Betrayer as weak as possible. I can portal you to the Canto Mountains but I can’t take you into Mt. Infero and I absolutely won’t be able to help you fight the Betrayer either because I’ve already farmed it too much. You’ll have to take it out by yourselves.”

“I don’t know what to say,” said Aaron. “Thank you! Thank you so much!”

“You’re a good kid which means your friends are probably good kids too,” said Virgil.

“How can I repay you?” Aaron asked.

Virgil smiled and then proceeded scrolled through his menu to retrieve something from his inventory. Then, he placed the object on a nearby table.

With an open-handed gesture, he asked, “Do you play checkers?”