Melting Point

Miss Ivone said things would have to wait until next evening. I didn't want to—I couldn't have the Circus sell this sweet yet false illusion to people even for one more day.

I had been thinking for such a long time, about all sorts of things. Why was I born like this, why did I have to suffer this much, why me. It didn't make sense. I had the same wishes as any other girl, to laugh, to have friends, to love.

Yet… it was impossible. I thought about Mister Salvar. If even a sweet person like him was betrayed and abandoned at the end, someone like me had no chance at love.

I couldn't stand that. I didn't want to be alone. I wanted to be a Regular girl.

If… such a thing was impossible, then my only choice was to accept myself. But not in the way the FHN encouraged me to.

Yes, I had met lovely friends. Yes, I had many fun moments. Even my ugly voice was considered beautiful by Mister Roan, who wanted me to join in his performance.

Unfortunately, I am not smart. I get easily excited. I foolishly dove in. Just like when the Director offered me a spot here. I wanted to be a part of something. It was wrong and stupid of me to think anything would change.

I was shocked when Miss Ivone first talked about wanting to end this Circus. I didn't understand. I wanted to stop her. But as we talked more… something clicked inside me.

I had realized that she was the only one who actually cared about me. About Aberrants. About children.

Telling them that they are great as they are, only for them to grow up and get kicked down by society? How were they supposed to handle that? It would just break them, harder.

I didn't want to let even one soul be deceived with this sweet fantasy, only to face the bitter reality.

I didn't want to be a part of this.

In fact, I didn't want to be a part of anything. Not anymore.

If I couldn't have what I wanted from life, if my only option was to be quiet and let the medicine slowly chew away on my life, I might as well do one final useful act.

Miss Ivone had received a bag full of inflammable objects and liquids. She didn't want to use them tonight because of the potential storm. She had gone away to talk with Miss Amri. It made me happy to know she trusted me with her mission.

If you asked me, though… it was alright, even if the entirety of the Circus did not burn down tonight. As long as some damage was done, tomorrow’s performance would have to be cancelled. That was good enough.

And, in the case the storm glided over the sky, skipping to the next city for its rainfall? Even better. I would let it all burn down, as soon as possible.

I am sure the security cameras installed around could see me. She had said that the AAA would watch my back. But I didn’t need such a thing.

I intended to end it all tonight. To end myself with it.

Oh, beautiful flames, take me with you. Let me feel the warmth, let you become the warm embrace I yearned for all my life.

…how funny. I was always known as the emotionally volatile sort, but I felt as still as a lake before my demise.

All I needed was one spark and all would end. I held up the match in my hand.

I ‘spoke’, if my repulsive voice could be considered to be doing as such.

“I am sorry, Mother. Maybe it will hurt for a while… but at least, your biggest burden will be lifted. I am sorry for all the sleepless nights I caused you.”

Maybe we would meet again, at a better, peaceful land.

“Don't you lit that up! Put it away!!!”

My head turned towards the source of this abrupt interruption. It was Mirai, running towards me from a long distance. I gritted my teeth. Why the hell was she here? She was frantically pleading me to stop.

“Who are you to stop me?!”

I knew that all she could hear was my hideous watery voice, but I couldn't stop myself from yelling back.

“It's dangerous, you'll get hurt…!”

“That's exactly what I want. Now step aside unless you want to get hurt!!!”

She was getting closer. I couldn't have that. I took the nearest decoration I could get my hands on, and threw it as hard as my arms let me. I recognized it to be one of the decorations she had crafted alongside some other troupe members.

She lifted up her arms, and the colorful decoration bounced back from the barrier she created. If not for that, the object would have hit her face.

“S-stop, please, you're too agitated… let's calm down, let's have a talk…”

Annoying. She was seriously getting in my way… not wanting her to get even one step closer, I held a standing spotlight and slid it her way as harshly as I could. This momentarily slowed down her movement, but she easily cast it aside and kept on running to my side.

I started yelling. Hard.

“Get out! Leave me alone!!! Get out!!! I hate you! I hate you!!!”

Her face looked extremely pained, which brought me a sick kind of pleasure. She was too sweet, too optimistic. She always had that dumb smile on her face, going here and there… talking to people… giving them all the attention…

And now, she had this kind of expression on her face, all because of me.

I started to laugh. Even if I was aware not a word of mine would reach her, I loudly expressed all the sufferings I held in my heart.

“Just let me go, let me end! It's all meaningless. We can fool everyone, we can fool ourselves but the reality will never change. We will never be accepted. As long as I have this ugly voice, I will never be loved. Haha, hahaha! You don't even understand what I'm saying, don't you?”

I realized that my face started to feel cooler against the evening breeze. I rubbed my hand on my cheek, and felt the tears flowing down my face. Why? I was not even feeling bad. Were these the tears of my anticipation of sweet freedom? With this one match, all my suffering would come to an end and I could be unshackled from my pain, forever.

I tightened my fist. If only she weren't here… I would have already…

“Nilsu… please…”

Her voice was much more quiet now, yet the most rough I had ever heard from her. I noticed the tears running down her cheek, just like mine.

“Please just listen to me. For a moment.”

I stood still. Maybe if I listened, she would finally leave me alone.

“I… I can't know what you are telling me in exact, but I know how you feel. Your voice tells me your emotions, your heart, your desires. Even without words, I can understand you.”

What a bunch of lies. There was no person in this world who could understand me and my burdens.

“And I… I know that the world is harsh towards us. It sucks. It's so lonely. It's s-so unfair…”

It was starting to get difficult to understand her from her sobs. She cried for a bit, and then rubbed her tears away. She looked pathetic. I hated this sight.

But then, she raised her head and suddenly her eyes were replaced with such a confident light that the sharp gaze made me shiver in my place.

“But coming here, spending time together, I became sure of one thing: and it’s that we are the most beautiful. No one can take that away from us, there's nothing wrong with us being the way we are.”

Not this again… I would never believe in these lies again. I harshly yelled, wanting her to stop talking.

“This garbage again? I won't believe you! What beauty? I'm ugly! Hideous! Can't even talk, can't even laugh! All that comes out is this stupid watery sound! Everyone avoids me! I will never, ever, be loved! Enough… enough… enough!!!”

I screamed with my whole lungs, and I didn't care if the whole word heard it. Through my blurry sight, I attempted to light the match.

She moved forward, and grabbed my arms with a swift motion. I knew that I had strong arms, but this damn… woman…

My flailing was futile. I couldn't move my arms with her holding them tightly like this… I wished I could kick her head with mine, but I was too short for it. Hopelessly, I started hitting my head against her chest, over and over again, wishing this would somewhat weaken her grip and give me a chance to set myself free.

She didn't tell me to stop, and she didn't even move an inch. I kept on hitting her and seeing that it didn't have any effects, I came to a stop. I looked up at her face, hoping to see her in pain at least.

I found that she was smiling.

“That's futile, orange buddy~”

Was that… Mimi talking?

She chuckled in her own unique way, and slowly lowered my arms. “Y’know, I have to say, the headbutts could make for a new form of massage. It felt oddly pleasant.”

…w-what was she talking about? At such a moment…? The strange remark of hers made my head go blank.

She also was silent for a bit, looking at her side idly. Then, she sighed. “Okay, so Rai didn't like me saying that too much, so I'll try to stay on topic. Jeez, she can sound so scary when she wants to…”

I had always favored Mimi a bit more than Rai. I found her to be way cooler, and it was fun to talk about fashion with her, and she always showed interest in my designs. I liked that she was very honest, even if occasionally too blunt. Somehow, I was more inclined to listen to her words, even in my agitated state.

“One funny thing is that it's impossible for people to know about others’ thoughts, unless they express them. So, I will tell you everything now. And… you can decide what you want to do after. I won't stop ya.”

She quickly mumbled that of course she would prefer I didn't, as they had worked so hard on building this tent.

My lips twisted into something that almost resembled a smile. Mentioning such a thing… it was almost amusing.

“Gosh, Rai, I said I can hear you! Stop yelling at me.”

She shook her head like a dog after a bath and patted her ears. I had to hold myself back from actually smiling. Why was I even finding this so endearing? In such an intense situation?

“Sorry that we could only tell you these in the middle of your little breakdown, but sometimes one can't choose the timing. Nor the one who delivers the message, I suppose… haah, this is kinda embarrassing.”

She cleared her throat. “Anyway, here goes.”

She began by saying that she absolutely understood where I came from, as they were no strangers to loneliness and isolation. However, when Rai first got to meet me, it was as if her entire world had changed. What was that supposed to mean…?

“You wouldn't even believe how much she liked you from the get go. Your adorable self, your mannerisms, your pretty hair and… your voice.”

My voice…? It hadn't put her off?

“Your voice was all she could think of for a while. She constantly talked my ears off about how it was the most beautiful thing she had ever heard in her life and how much she wanted to hear it one more time. Hah…”

She lightly snorted. “Remember that little jealousy tantrum you threw?”

With pouty lips, I looked down. I felt my face get warmer. Of course I remembered. I was extremely jealous of her voice. I still was.

That's why… it meant a lot to hear that she had liked my hideous sound right away. Rai… was always talking brightly with everyone, complimenting them like a cheerful puppy. Of course, I was happy every time she praised the one thing I hated about myself the most, but I had always assumed she was just being polite.

Mimi was an honest one. If she told me these… it meant all of it was true.

I looked up to face her warm, amber colored eyes. I noticed that she was looking slightly flustered, unlike her usual demeanor.

“Heh, well. It didn’t give me the best impression about you, but it's alright. I can reassure you though, every single moment you spent with her was the highlight of her days. We even lost a good amount of sleep because of you, haha… she just can't seem to stop thinking about you…”

She scratched the tip of her nose. It was as red as a clown’s.

“Erm… so… yeah, I'm not really good at this, as you can see. I guess a lot of things happened these past two weeks, and you were there too, so… Uh…”

She stopped for a bit, closing her eyes. “Ah, right, Rai says I should add a bit of my thoughts as well. Let's see…”

I stood in place, as my heart beat curiously. I had forgotten about everything else. Hearing the words come out of her mouth was somehow more effective than any tranquilizing drug in the world.

“Right, so… I couldn't help but notice some little things about you, like how messy your hair looks in the morning, how you sometimes stick out your tongue during sewing, and how much your voice suited Roan’s song. I was thinking like ‘girl, drop your tailoring career and become a singer’...”

She awkwardly chuckled, and shook her head, as if she couldn't believe she had said those just now. Honestly… I couldn't believe them either… was she truly talking about me?

“...what's with that face as if asking if I'm talking about you? Of course silly, who else it would be. I have to admit this got too rambly though. Let me gather it up and summarize it.”

She took a breath, and I stared at her lips as if they were my only lifeline. I anticipated the words intently, as if I knew they would change my entire life.

“Being an Aberrant ain’t easy. You’re not the first, nor will be the last person, to have a meltdown over it. It’s a tough world out there. But don’t you forget… you’ve survived this far just fine—and inspired many with your brilliance, and will continue to do so, by showing up and sharing that radiance with the ones lucky enough to witness it.”

She wrapped her lean, strong arms around me and lowered her head to whisper into my ear.

“...so don't you dare hurt yourself. We love you.”

She leaned down to place a kiss on my forehead. The match in my hand dropped to the ground.

Unable to move, I simply kept on standing. This… feeling. What was this? It was the most powerful thing I felt in my entire life.

I felt like I wanted to say something, anything—to express my emotions. But the only sound I could produce was one of a bubble bursting.

She raised her head and giggled. “Hmm, I wonder what that meant. You should tell me in your notebook later.”

It’s not like even I knew what I wanted to say. I had no words to describe what I was feeling, what I was experiencing. As I desperately tried to decipher these foreign emotions, the sky shattering sound of a thunder made me hide my face on her chest.

The sound was too much. However, as she gave my hair gentle pats, I found that my eyes were getting moist not from the terror, but because of the comfort she gave me.

“There, there… are you perhaps scared of the sound? Rai is terrified too, hah… you two are like little kids~”

While it wasn’t raining just yet, the tears falling down my face matched the sounds of thunder. After all, my crying had always sounded like rainfall…

I buried my face on her chest, and she didn’t protest, just gently caressing me. The regret of my terrible actions dawning on me was not helping me cry any less.

“If this will make you feel any better, Rai is crying at the moment, too.”

I giggled, very quietly. Her voice sounded no less shaky than my rainy sobs. She was probably crying, too. I did not lift my head up, not until I heard the unexpected voice of Mister Roan behind her.

W-where did he come from…?

“Haaah, hahh… I am not a youngster like you, Miss Mirai, my legs could barely catch up…”

“Oh, Roan. You missed out on all the dramatic bits.”

He attempted to catch his breath for a couple moments, and then smirked widely.

“Ya thinkkk? Well, I heard it all~”

Right… he had good hearing… I felt my face get even warmer amidst my emotional state.

“I also ended up hearing that loud thunder just now, and I think my soul almost escaped from my mouth, mahaha! Anyway, since the weather is getting cold, let's go back to the office, yeah? We wouldn't want you to catch a cold before the big performance! Come come! And… uh, don’t worry, Aunt Emery won’t scold you. Probably…? Mhmm…”

He looked around to see the inflammable objects and the box of matches dropped near where I was standing. He proceeded to scratch his neck, looking away as he pretended to not see anything… He was a truly funny man.

Despite the cold weather he mentioned, my whole body felt like it was on fire. However, unlike the ones I had wanted to invite on myself, these kind of flames made me feel… alive.

I looked up to the dark, cloudy sky and could only think one thing: I was saved.