Days 164-179: Leo

The place that May was talking about was a hiking trail. Didn’t expect this of all places but I didn’t mind camping again. But surprisingly, it was pretty nice. The trail was only a couple of miles but I was able to drive the van through it. I didn’t mind hiking up the trail but being away from the van seemed a little dangerous. At the top of the trail was a waterfall that had a pool area at the bottom. It wasn’t an actual pool but that’s what it reminded me of. We spent most of the first two weeks getting there and settling so we didn’t do much. But now since we already settled we could do whatever we wanted. It was weird to think that it had already been thirty days since I’ve last seen Ava. Time seemed to pass by so fast. Granted I did spend like two weeks rotting away on the bed so it kind of made sense why it seemed like time was going by so fast. But still, I had one more month left until I’d see her. Till then I’ll try to fix myself.

“Isn’t this spot awesome!”

“Yeah, it’s pretty nice,” I said, though my voice lacked enthusiasm.

May glanced sideways. “You seem kind of down. Whatcha thinkin’ ‘bout?”

I hesitated. “Ava liked swimming…”

“Just bring her here when you guys reunite.”

“Maybe, but what if I still have this problem by the time I get back to her. And she leaves me permanently this time.”

“Yeah, she might. Just all the more reason to help yourself.”

“I guess, but I don't know where to start.”

“Just like don’t be a crazy murderer.”

“Very funny…”

“Sorry, but I mean like, why do you do it so much?”

“It’s not like I want to or enjoy it. I just want to protect her. And she kills people sometimes too.”

“So what’s wrong with you doing it?”

“I guess because it affects me more than her so she gets worried about me. And one time…”

“One time?”

“I killed an innocent man by accident.” My stomach twisted and I placed my hand over my mouth.

“Woah not in here! Do it outside the pool.”

I was able to hold it in and took a deep breath. “You know this isn’t a pool right?”

“Yeah but it would’ve been nasty either way. But I do see what she means though. If your killing results in that I would want you to stop too, especially after killing an innocent person.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“And how did you even kill someone by accident.”

“Well I heard something rustling in the bushes and I thought someone was attacking us like before. So I shot a few rounds and it turned out there was someone. But it was an unarmed man.”

“Damn, that does suck.”

“The way you’re talking makes it sound like I made a small mistake.”

“I mean it happened, you can’t really change what you did so there’s no point in worrying too much about it right?”

“I have to worry about it though. I killed a man.”

“True but worrying without doing anything is pointless.”

…

She was right. All I did throughout these past few months was worry about my problems and choosing not to learn from them. But I tried though, that’s why I was so ready to kill. After my parents died I learned that I shouldn’t let anyone who threatens the people I love live. That’s why I was so ready to kill each and every time. So how did it come to this?

“What if I did learn? And this was the result.”

“I guess you learned the wrong lesson from it.”

“Then how do I learn the right one?”

“Dude, I don’t know. I’m not your therapist. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but that’s for you to find out.”

I looked down at the water and into my reflection, “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

I froze there, thinking about what to do. Then a big splash of water hit me.

“What the hell?” I gasped, wiping water from my eyes.

“Stop being sad for a moment and try to have fun. All this murderer talk is making me bored.”

“Murderer talk?” I said, sounding slightly offended.

“Yup,” she had a devious grin on her face. She was messing with me.

“I’ll show you a murderer!”

I went under the water and dragged her down. I quickly swam up and waited for her to rise so I could keep splashing her with water. After a few minutes of splashing each other like kids, the fatigue finally set in. We dragged ourselves out of the water, dripping and laughing. We decided to call it a day and make dinner. Since we were on a hiking trail I doubt we would find animals to hunt here so we stocked up on canned foods on the way. We stopped by various gas stations and took everything that wasn’t expired. That night we had some canned sausages and some chips. Not the best dinner but it was something. May quickly fell asleep and I stayed up thinking.

What lesson could I learn from all that had happened? I learned that I should kill because of what happened to my parents but what should I do now? How can I kill without feeling bad so Ava wouldn’t worry about me?

I couldn’t really sleep that night. I was either thinking about how I can be better or the bodies I had claimed. This would happen throughout the next few days. I guess it was catching up to me because May started to notice my sluggish movements.

“Dude, you good?”

“Yeah, just a little sleepy.”

“You sure about that?”

“Sort of…”

“I could see why she left you now.”

“What was that?”

“You look miserable. Even if I was responsible for that then I would’ve dumped your ass. Matter a fact she doesn’t even want to be around you right now.”

I looked down and thought to myself.

Is that why she decided to leave? Because she can’t stand who I am right now?

The thought that she left me made me fall to the ground. “Maybe you’re right.” I muttered, staring at the dirt.

No one talked for a second, all you could hear was the sound of the waterfall.

“You know I thought you would’ve argued back.”

“What’s the point? What you said made sense. Why else would she leave me?”

“I only said that to give you some motivation to be better. Sorry.”

“Well you’re right.”

“No I’m not. I don’t even know this girl and her thought process. If I’m being honest, she’s probably worried about you so she thought you being away from her was the best for you.”

“Even so, she still left me.”

…

“Don’t think about it as leaving. It’s more like you guys are on pause. And by the time the two months happen then you’ll be back on track. Assuming you’re not a murderer anymore.”

I chuckled a little, “Still making jokes huh?”

“Yup!” She reached out her hand, “C'mon, get your ass up.”

As I reached out she pulled her hand back.

“You didn’t throw up did you? If so I don’t want to touch that hand…”

I immediately pounced up and grabbed her hand, “Yes I did throw up. Actually I did it on this very hand.”

She let out a blood curdling scream and ran to the pool to rinse her hand. “You’re disgusting!”

“Kidding.” I said with a smirk.

“I hope Ava finds a new man within these two weeks!”

“That’s a cruel wish.”

She let off a faint smile, “Well I hope it happens. But if you need any help, let me know how I can be okay?”

Last time, I didn’t want Ava to worry so I wasn’t willing to let her know I had problems. That didn’t solve anything— it probably made things worse actually. But now I’ll try to reach out so I won’t make the same mistake.

Later that night I talked to May about all my problems. I dumped everything on her.

“Wow that’s a lot. And she only gave you two months to be better?”

“Well she doesn’t really know that it’s gotten this bad.”

…

“YOU DIDN’T TELL HER ANY OF THIS?!” May shouted, practically choking on disbelief.

“Yeah…”

May stared at me, eyebrows raised, “Are you stupid or just dumb?”

“Well I didn’t want her to worry.”

“She’s going to worry no matter what. Especially with you looking that miserable.”

“Well I just thought that it would be better for me to deal with it myself.”

“How is that a good idea?”

“Well–”

“Like you’ve been having this problem and dealing with it by yourself. But the result is you getting worse and yet you still refuse to talk to her.”

“Okay, okay I get it. I’m in the wrong.”

“Good—I’m glad you understand.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“So what now? Like I said last time, I’m not a therapist so I don’t really have an answer to your problems.”

“Yeah I just thought it would be better to tell someone.”

“And do you feel better?”

“A little I think.”

“That’s good I guess. By the way I wanted to ask you—have you ever killed anyone?”

…

May took a deep breath, “Yeah, once.”

“What made you do it?”

“The person was attacking me and I was able to stab her.”

“I’m not the only murderer here then.”

“Now who's the one making jokes?”

“Sorry.”

“I know you’re not.”

“Maybe—but can I ask one more thing?”

“Sure.”

“How did it make you feel?”

“Well, I felt kind of bad at first, like what I did was wrong. But I wasn’t the one attacking, I was the one defending so what I did was what was needed for me to survive. Don’t you feel the same way?”

“Like I said last earlier, I can’t kill. Or at least I couldn’t before Ava. Even if it meant by death I was still unwilling to kill. And when I did have to kill for Ava I still felt bad no matter what. It was something I had to do but even knowing that—I could still see their faces. The bodies haunted me no matter the reasoning for the killing. I guess I was still affected by what happened to my friend.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean. Knowing that it was needed doesn’t change the fact that I killed someone. But after a while I stopped blaming myself. It wasn’t my fault someone attacked me, it wasn’t my fault that there was a knife near me. It all just happened and I need to accept that it did.”

“How’d you do that though? How did you just accept the killing that easy?”

“Well it wasn’t easy and our two different situations are entirely different. But I just knew that I couldn’t do anything about it any more so I can’t let my past haunt me. I need to learn from it.”

“And what did you learn?”

“That sometimes I need to kill but at the same time. I could’ve wounded someone to the point they couldn’t hurt me any more. Either way, there was something to learn. Or at least something I could force myself to learn.”

“That sounds like a way of coping.”

“Yeah but it’s better than just letting it affect you the way you do it.”

“I guess you’re right.”

As the days passed I thought about what I could learn from what happened. Thinking about this made me push past all the images of the bodies. I guess May was right about reflecting on what had happened. Over the next few days we would talk, rest in the pool, and eat. It wasn’t much but it was fun. I could feel the stress leaving my body throughout the weeks but something was still bugging me. I still ended a life that didn’t deserve it.

Sometimes I would have nightmares about the man. He would ask why I did such a thing but I would never have an answer. All I could do was beg for forgiveness but as I did that he pulled a gun on me and shot. That’s when I would wake up.

Any time I would feel happy a sense of guilt weighed on me. I talked to May about the guilt but she couldn’t really help out. Can’t really blame her though; there’s no way you can justify the killing of an innocent man. But I still tried to talk about it every time it happened. Even though she wasn’t able to help me directly, talking to her was enough.

But it didn’t help with the nightmares. It got so bad to the point where I had them every night. I was making progress but I ran into a wall. There was no way around it—I was stuck.

I don’t deserve to live for what I had done…

This repeated again and again in my head and wouldn’t go away. Until I was at the point where it was the only thing I could think of. The fun was a good distraction but it couldn’t make enough distance from the guilt. Every time I take a step away from it it takes two steps forward. Until it finally caught me.

“LEO!”

I-I can’t breath. My chest hurts. It’s happening again.

“I-I’m fine. Don’t worry about me.”

“You clearly aren’t! Let me help you up and back to the tent.”

May grabbed my arm and put it around her shoulder then dropped me off into the tent. A few minutes had passed until the pain faded.

“How are you doing now?”

“Better—I guess.”

“That’s good, that’s good. So—what was that?”

“It’s nothing…”

“I thought we’ve been over this.”

“It’s nothing for you to worry about.”

“Well I gotta since you’re the guy I’ve been helping for the past two weeks.”

“Just forget about it, okay?”

“Look at you, you expect Ava to take you back looking like this?”

“Shut up, you don’t know anything.”

May narrowed her eyes, her voice low, “I know that you said you were trying to learn. And yet, you’re here still not accepting my help. I feel sorry for the girl, I can’t imagine the pain she’s going through being ignored by her boyfriend. Just to see him suffer; I bet it aches her heart. Every time you deny her help, every time she blames herself.”

“SHUT THE HELL UP! YOU CAN’T BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND WHAT I’M GOING THROUGH!”

“I can’t but—”

“But what? The person who you killed was someone trying to harm you. You didn’t kill an innocent man. You have no—”

“YOU DON’T THINK I STILL FEEL GUILTY?! YOU THINK I’VE FORGOTTEN ABOUT WHAT I’VE DONE?!”

…

“I haven’t… Sometimes I can picture the body in my head. Limp and lifeless. And my hands doused in blood. The kitchen knife I’d use to kill her. The exact time it happened. Sure I didn’t kill an innocent man but I still killed someone and the guilt still remains.” Her eyes welled up and before she let out a tear she turned away from me.

For the first time I didn’t see her as someone who was trying to help me. She was someone who was carrying her own corpse. I had been so consumed by my guilt I hadn’t realized what was going on around me. Was this what made me drive Ava away? Even though I was in pain I still ended up causing her.

“I-I’m sorry. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“You were too busy being a whiny bitch about your own problem.”

“Still making jokes huh.”

She sniffled and gave a sad half-smile. “Yeah.”

We talked about our issues and talking did feel better. Having someone who shared the same experience made it easier to talk about. With May, I finally said what I’d buried. I should’ve done that with Ava. But maybe I couldn’t. Maybe she left because I wasn’t someone she could reach—and maybe I still wasn’t. But I missed her anyway. The more I talked that more I realized that I was trying to heal not so I could feel better about the guilt; I was doing it so I could get back with Ava. I was doing this all for her. After talking to May about this realization, she told me that I should focus on myself first. No matter how much I love Ava, if I can’t find myself then I’m not ready for a relationship. She was right, I need to stop thinking about Ava for once. I need to be better for myself.