Days 180-196: Ava

“Woaaaah, SLOW DOWN!”

“No way, isn’t this fun Chloe?”

“Most definitely not!”

Not long ago, Chloe and I tried to find something I might enjoy. We started with writing, but I couldn’t think of anything—so we moved on. I remembered enjoying running through the glass wall at that dealership so Chloe joked that maybe I enjoyed destroying things. Even though she jokes about it I kind of considered what she had said. So I came to the conclusion that I should just do reckless and fun things for the time being.

“WE’RE GOING TO HIT THAT TREE!”

“SO EXCITING RIGHT?”

CRASH

“Ugh, I should’ve never agreed to go with you.”

“You were the one that came up with the idea.”

“Anyone ever told you that you’re crazy?”

“No—well I wasn’t ever like this before.”

Before all this end-of-the-world nonsense, I was just a normal person. Nothing exciting. Nothing meaningful. All I did growing up was study to become a doctor. For as long as I’ve known that was my goal set by my parents. I never did anything that was fun, just study, study, and more studying. That’s all I’ve ever known. This made me resent my parents; the resentment turned into anger but the anger never got out. So now, as I joyride around the city and destroy things this is my way of letting it out. Even though I hated them for it, they gave me a purpose. Without it, my life felt meaningless, I guess that’s why I was so defeated after learning about the end of the world. Even though I hadn’t lived my life it felt like it was over; I had lost my purpose. But when I met Leo he shined a light on my meaningless life. My new purpose was to be by his side. But I failed at that too. As soon as I found out I was a poison to Leo my purpose was gone. I was now meaningless and I shouldn't be around him. I couldn’t let go of him that easily though, that’s why I wanted him to come back after two months. By then I could be of some use to him. But now—I’m useless.

As I drove around causing chaos and spent nights with Chloe, I forgot about having a purpose at all. Just seeing her scared reaction was enough for me. And the long talks we would have at night about anything would make me so happy. Before I had known, my purpose became protecting Chloe. But all things came to an end, her friends eventually came by. I should’ve been happy for her but when she left I broke down. My life had become meaningless again. I know I should’ve been happy for her, I know I should’ve been glad a miracle like this happened, but I wasn’t. I was destroyed and left a hollow shell of my former self. If Leo saw me like this would he still like me? After all, I was like this at the cafe and he told me that I was completely different.

Why do I rely on people for my purpose? Why can’t I find my own?

I looked down at the blank piece of paper I was going to start my story on; even that was for Leo. What can I even do for myself? What do I even want to do for myself? I sat around for a few days rotting away. I had valued my life so much but what was there to value? I didn’t do anything meaningful or exciting. My whole life I have lived for someone else, even at the end of the world I’m still doing it.

Why am I like this?

This thought loomed over my head again and again without me being able to find the right answer. Even though I hated that my purpose came from someone else I still missed Leo. But did I love him because I loved him or because he provided me with a purpose. Was I being selfish and getting with him because I needed someone to make me feel useful? These thoughts made me sick; I hated that I could be right. What kind of selfish person does that to someone who saved them? I couldn’t stand to look at myself in the mirror.

What is wrong with me?

Still, as the days passed I patiently waited for the time to see Leo. I knew I was being selfish but I wanted my life to have meaning in the end of the world. I needed to see him. But the way everything ended felt horrible, there was no way that he would ever come back to me. Anxiety and paranoia grew and consumed my mind. I had become terrified that Leo was going to leave me. There was no way of confirming that he was coming back though, I just had to drown in my fears as I waited.

So this is what being overly reliant does, huh?

After a few more days I had gained the strength to leave the hotel. I figured that I needed some fresh air and a walk. The city looked like a complete mess with crashed cars everywhere, ran over trees and bushes, and a whole lot of destroyed signs. I really outdid myself. Maybe I really had become one of the criminals Leo and I used to worry about. Maybe I wasn’t someone worth saving anymore. But I was still here, wasn't I? Still breathing. Still waiting. There had to be a reason.

Still, I wonder how my past self would see me now. She would probably see how far I’ve fallen and be so disappointed in me. She would give me a lecture on how I’m wasting the remainder of my life being a criminal. She would be so cruel. I guess that’s my parents rubbing off on her.

Even if she was right, I had something she never did. I had freedom. All this destruction—the mangled signs, the broken windows, the tire tracks carved into lawns—it was mine. No one told me to do it. No one expected anything from me. For once, every terrible choice was mine alone. And strange as it sounds, I liked that. More than that… I’d found something close to a reason to live. It wasn’t like before, where my future was a blueprint someone else handed me. This time, I chose it. I chose Leo, and I was having a wonderful time with that decision. Even with all of that I’m not satisfied. Sure, it was nice to find new meaning—but I wanted to live for myself. How could I call it a full life if I’d never truly lived on my own terms? I need to find something I can be passionate about. But there’s not long left till I see Leo, can I still find my passion with him around or would I just settle for living with him?

Chloe’s voice came to mind. She said I was moving in the right direction just by leaving him. I’d brushed it off at the time—what did she know? She hadn’t lived through what I had. But now I couldn’t stop thinking about it. It made me think about how I could leave my reason to live so easily. Was it that I didn’t truly love him or was it that Leo wasn’t my reason to live? No way right? I was so happy when I was with him and it felt like my life was radiating with happiness. But then how did I leave it all behind? It got me thinking about my actions and why I had felt that way.

Was it that I never truly needed him? That I just told myself I did? Or was it love—plain and simple? Maybe I mistook love for purpose. But then again… love is supposed to make you stronger, not lost. Right?

The answer was much simpler than I initially thought.

Maybe it was love. That would explain it, wouldn’t it? He saved me. He was kind. He understood me. Was I just that happy cause I loved him? Not that he provided me with a reason to live, just the fact that it was love.

Still though, why had I felt like there was something about him that gave me purpose? Something I did when I was with him made me enjoy living. There was something about being with him that made life feel real. Not just tolerable. Not just survivable. Real. Maybe it wasn’t him, maybe it wasn’t love. Maybe it was something I did… but what? I didn’t know. Not yet.

By the time the two months had passed, I still hadn’t found my purpose. Not exactly. Even so, I returned to the motel that morning, waiting for Leo like we’d planned. But he wasn’t there. The hours dragged. Morning became afternoon, then night. Still no sign of him. I sat there, staring at the door longer than I’d like to admit. Part of me was sad—of course I was. But the fear, the spiraling panic I once felt? It didn’t come. I wasn’t unraveling. I wasn’t bracing for abandonment. I just… waited. And somehow, that felt like progress. I trusted him. Not blindly, not out of desperation—just love. And even though he didn’t show, I didn’t feel like I was collapsing without him. That surprised me. I still wanted to see him. I still missed him. But I wasn’t living for him anymore. And that realization, more than anything, filled me with something close to hope.

Because it meant I still had time—time to figure out what I wanted from this life.

And maybe, next time when I see Leo, I’d be able to meet him as someone who chose her own path. Not someone who needed him to survive it.