The beginning of all the things that will end

I was yanked awake by a swelling chorus of whispers, groans, and what sounded like someone screaming in raw terror on the other side of the wall.

The first thing i saw when my eyes flickered open was a tattered white curtain draped around the bed i was sprawled in, ceiling lights flickering like they were on their last legs, a needle jammed into my bandaged arm, and a bag of blood hanging nearby.
in short: a hospital room – and a pretty shitty one – was my first thought as the watered-down stench of disinfectant and loneliness flooded my skull.

No matter how much i mulled it over, i couldn’t pinpoint the last time i gave a damn about life. i’d always been on the other side of the tracks, like when you watch a rom-com and end up wondering why that sappy nonsense never happens in reality.

So, like any self-respecting defeatist with zero patience, i decided to check out. i ran through a few options, might’ve even scribbled them down somewhere – call me unhinged or just forgetful, that’s your call.
I wanted one of the classics, but hanging could drag on too long. a train might mangle me without finishing the job, and jumping off a building would leave a grisly scene for someone else to mop up.

If my existence slipped under the radar, i wanted my death to do the same. So i went with slitting my wrists – a tired cliché, but supposedly effective. except, judging by where i was now, i clearly fumbled that too.
Another screw-up to tack onto my endless list of failures.
I should’ve died quietly in my room. Let someone find my body months later, if anyone cared enough to trace the morgue-like stench. but no, i got woozy from losing so much blood so fast that i faceplanted onto the living room table.

The racket probably woke the neighbors, and they must’ve called the cops. because, you know, a dead neighbor is way easier to swallow than a suicidal one – cliché alert, right? you’re only a saint once you’re gone. Whatever the reason, here i was, staring at a ceiling with peeling paint, getting pumped with fresh blood, and wondering how much more i could botch this life.

“hello, hello!” a woman’s voice chimed, her face poking through the curtains. i wouldn’t have cared if she was a hallucination cooked up by painkillers and blood loss. she was unlike anyone i’d ever seen – hair black as raven feathers, eyes a blue so vivid they seemed to glow like twin crystals in the dark.

“…hey…” i mumbled, snapping my gaze back to the ceiling.

“Let’s see what we’ve got here,” she said, flipping through my medical chart. her silhouette danced back and forth behind the curtain. “oh! a suicide case! first one i’ve seen today – i mean, first one i’ve seen still kicking.” she let out a mocking laugh and did a little hop, like she was thrilled, before flinging the curtains wide open.

I was definitely tripping. sure, she was sleek and more striking than anyone i’d ever laid eyes on, but those weren’t hands gripping the curtains – they were massive metallic claws. i was too weak to budge and too baffled to speak.
Calm down, deep breaths, you’re tripping, you’re tripping, you’re tripping – i looped it in my head like a mantra as my eyes tracked her sauntering to the side of my bed and flopping onto the edge like she owned it. She wasn’t dressed like a nurse, and no human would have claws instead of hands. Though, honestly, her chipper tone was grating on me more than anything.

“You slit your wrists, not your tongue. Gonna scream? No, wait, i know! i can see it in your eyes… let me guess…” she repeated, closing her eyes and scratching her forehead in an over-the-top, almost cartoonish display of thought, like some hack psychic. “Nope, you’re not tripping, so scratch that. Now… feel free to scream,” she giggled.

“As long as i lock eyes with your face and not those claws, i think i can hold it together. The guy in the other room probably picked the wrong thing to stare at, huh?”

“Thing to… stare at…?” her eyes popped wide, like she’d just seen a horror movie jump-scare. “gross, you pig! you’re sick!” she hugged herself, as if shielding something, her claws clanging with a faint echo in the room. clearly, she missed the point.

“Ha… look, that’s not what i meant…”

“Shut it!” she snapped. “First, you don’t even flinch when you see me, then you say weird stuff. just how pathetic is your life for this not to rattle you? well, whatever…” she raised her voice, almost theatrical, “a suicidal guy with his reality in tatters is EXACTLY what i need.”

I let out a dry laugh. “need? awesome… all it took was trying to off myself for someone to need me.”
With the curtains open, i could catch nurses passing by the room out of the corner of my eye, but somehow, they didn’t seem to notice what was going down in here, like the room had become its own sealed-off pocket of reality.
“What do you need me for? you don’t strike me as someone who asks for normal favors, and as you probably noticed, i’m not exactly bursting with enthusiasm to stick around. You’d have better luck with someone else and just let me write this off as a fever dream.”

“Nope! you’re the one,” she said, standing up. Her claws landed on my forehead – cold, metallic, nearly swallowing my whole face. For some reason, i didn’t try to move. I couldn’t tell if i’d lost all sense of danger or if something about her was pulling me in. “Since you were so eager to die, i suppose i can give you a tiny, tiny taste of what that’s like… oh, and if you scream, i’ll crush your skull, got it? now just CLOSE-YOUR-EYES.”

She could absolutely crush my skull, and that wasn’t the kind of exit i was into. The next shift of nurses finding me with my head turned to ground beef? hard pass, not my style of posthumous spotlight. So i followed her orders. I took a deep breath and shut my eyes. the sensation was weird, slow, uncomfortable at first, with an eerie melody droning in the background.
First, my hearing faded. Then my sense of touch. One by one, my senses were peeled away. it felt like the experience stretched on for years until, out of nowhere, even my consciousness blinked out. I don’t know how long it lasted, but i snapped awake, bolting upright in the bed.

“That was… awesome…”

“What!? awesome!?” she shrieked, squeezing the blood bag and choking off the flow to my veins. “You sick, gross pig! i showed you death itself, and THAT’S your reaction!?” she scowled and started pacing around my bed. “Look, the skull-crushing thing was a joke, so come on – scream, cry, lose it, SOMETHING!” she gestured wildly as she ranted, like she was auditioning for an extremely cheap melodrama.

“It actually felt amazing… honestly, now i feel worse about myself for not pulling off my own death. i’ll make sure the next try sticks,” i sighed, slumping back down. “an eternity without the weight of worry, without expectations i can’t meet – you know, that skull-crushing thing is starting to sound pretty good.”

“huh? no!” she waved her arms like a baby bird flapping its wings for the first time. “i’m not killing you, and you’re not dying, got it? i told you, i need you, and you just proved you’re gonna be useful.”

“Good luck with that. Hope you’re used to disappointment, because you’re in for a lot of it.” For the first time in more years than i could count, i managed a calm, genuine smile.

“Yeah, yeah, i get your whole self-pity routine,” she said, waving her claws up and down like she was shushing me. “that was just a tiny little test to see how much your mind can take before those snarky one-liners get buried under despair.” she stared at me for a moment, then flashed a smile – soft, but with something shady lurking behind it.
“There’s a game kicking off right now… or maybe it’s better to call it a race. that’s where you come in. you probably want to know what i am and what this is all about, but let’s not spoil the surprise, okay?” she climbed onto the bed, her weight pressing against me, her claws gripping the frame on either side. Her voice, her face, inches from mine. “Just say ‘i accept,’ and you’ll find out soon enough what i need you to do.” her breath was cold against my skin.

“Okay, yeah, fine, i accept. guess i can off myself some other day.” my eyes locked with hers, but then i caught myself focusing on her body. “…now you’ve really left me with nowhere safe to look.”

“Stop saying stuff like that! That was supposed to be a serious moment!” she yelled, leaping off the bed like a cat spooked by a loud noise. she cleared her throat, trying to pull herself together. “F-fine… since you accepted, let me take you to a place – no, a TIME – you probably don’t even remember…”

In that moment, her eyes gleamed with an excitement that i’d bet my life had anything but good intentions.