Cracks in the Smile

***
CONTENT WARNING: This chapter contains depictions of dysphoria and trauma.
***

The sweltering heat of mid-July beamed down upon the mountainous city streets, as if punishing the residents for their misdeeds. Yet, despite the relentless sunlight made only slightly more bearable by the mountainous locale, people continued to move, weaving and bustling through the urban landscape.

Miyami sagged across a shaded outdoor table, more melted popsicle than human. She felt as if her life force was slowly being drained from her body and evaporating into thin air.

Ah, well, technically that was the case. Sweat was pouring off of her like a broken faucet, and her body ached from the physical exertion.

"You really do need more exercise," Hinoka smirked from the seat beside her. "We've barely managed seven blocks."

Miyami squint-pouted at her.

"Don't give me that," her ponytailed partner teased. "You were the one that insisted on this, remember?"

The dark-haired woman groaned. She had indeed after seeing just how much she'd struggled to keep up with her athletic girlfriend during their previous outings. But that didn't make this any less torturous!

"I know, I know, it sucks," Hinoka conceded with a sympathetic pat on the back. "But think about the positives. You're doing well for being so out of your usual environment."

"…" Miyami gave her a flat look before resuming her existence as a puddle beneath the barely effective shade.

More than two weeks had come and gone since that fated day in the park. The weather had turned from hot to hotter, and the city was now fully in the grips of summer. Schoolkids were out on break, tourists were exploring the mountains, and summer festivities were in full swing.

Perhaps most importantly of all though, a certain stalker had finally been arrested, allowing Hinoka and her to frolic to their heart's content in the outdoor oven, resuming life as normal. And they could do it as a couple!

The out-of-element penguin flipped her cheek against the other side of the table, her sweat and the shade making it almost cool.

There hadn't been much fanfare for the capture, but it did come with a story, as most things did.

Turns out, the stalker had tried breaking into Hinoka's apartment a few days after the confession. Apparently after not seeing the ponytailed girl for so long, he had begun to panic, and in a delusional state, decided that he would conduct a 'wellness check.'

Fortunately, the PI was on lookout for that exact eventuality, and the man was promptly caught red-handed searching through the place by police accompaniment. From there, he was apprehended and taken away.

Some testimony, a copy of the video from the shop, all the previous police reports, and the PI's statement were enough to finally charge him after. It wasn't the perfect solution, and there would still likely be stuff they needed to handle in the background such as paperwork, but it was something. They could at least be at ease knowing the creep wasn't free to roam the city anymore.

It was still a bit weird to think about. But then again, she wasn't complaining. Kaitoji had done what he'd set out to do—protect the both of them—and had already done a small celebration for the occasion.

'Perhaps the universe does balance out the good and bad,' she thought idly as the summer breeze brushed against the nape of her neck.

Miyami's sight lazed over Hinoka's features as she savored the reprieve.

Her girlfriend was looking at her phone currently, likely doing her FEI dailies as they recuperated. The woman's fingers tapped the screen in a familiar pattern, and her eyebrows furrowed as she concentrated on the game, something that brought delight to Miyami's otherwise tired and sweaty face.

It still amazed her just how strong she could be. To go through that whole mess and then immediately be willing to step outside and face the world again like nothing had happened.

Well, that wasn't entirely true. Miyami knew that she wasn't completely over it, and that the events would still weigh down on her in moments—even her prince charming was afraid sometimes, no matter how strong she appeared. But at least Hinoka had the courage to try and push on nonetheless.

And that was all that really mattered, right? That one could just keep moving forward.

"…"

She reached out a lethargic arm toward Hinoka, trying to capture her attention.

"…?" Amber eyes glanced over in concern. "Are you okay? Do you need some more water?"

Miyami nodded and barely lifted herself into a sitting position. Hinoka handed the water bottle to her from her bag, and the taller girl took a long gulp before handing it back. She wiped the residual droplets from her lips and let out a relieved sigh.

"Better?" The brown-haired woman inquired, tucking a loose strand of streaked hair behind her ear.

"…" A weak nod. She was, but Miyami still felt off, like her stamina bar was in the red.

All of this was taking its toll on her.

"Well, that's good. We should probably get back soon though." Her companion murmured, standing up and stretching.

Miyami tiredly followed suit, her legs shaking as she forced herself upright. She stumbled a bit, nearly tripping over her own feet before catching herself.

Hinoka let out an amused huff at the sight and extended her hand, which Miyami gratefully accepted.

She was fine. The walk back home couldn't be that bad.

***

*groan*

Miyami's damp hair fanned out across the bed as she stared listlessly at the apartment ceiling. A shower later, she still felt off, exhausted. Her muscles were noodles, and her joints drifted more than her controller's old thumbstick.

It was that bad.

"Wow," Hinoka drawled, flopping beside her on the bed. "You're really that out of shape, huh?"

"…" Miyami made no move to respond, simply choosing to stare exhausted daggers instead.

"Hehe, I love that you fight back now. You're adorable when you get like that," Hinoka teased, propping herself up on an elbow and poking her cheek like a marshmallow.

The penguin princess blushed and averted her gaze.

"Come on, don't be mad," Hinoka pleaded. "It's not a big deal, lots of people aren't fit. I'm just flattered you're going through this much effort on my behalf. You don't have to get into shape if you don't want to."

"…" Miyami blinked, and her eyes shifted back to Hinoka. Her gaze was softer now, and she had a small, almost embarrassed smile.

Honestly, she still felt off, but… her girlfriend finally had her guard down.

An opening!

*smooch!*

Miyami's lips met her girlfriend's cheek, and the brown-haired girl froze in surprise, her face turning red in the cherry-citrus air of the room.

Retreat!

*fwump!*

Miyami performed an evasive roll back, immersing herself in the act as her own cheeks blushed. Oh no, that'd been too brash! Recoil damage taken! She needed to retreat back to her den of safety!

Her head buried beneath a pillow.

"Whoa there~" Hinoka's voice was mirth as she pinned Miyami to the bed, foiling any escape. "You're the one that kissed me, so why are you acting so embarrassed, hmm?"

"…"

The penguin princess squirmed under the pillow, hoping that her girlfriend's aggro would drop, but to no avail.

"Sheesh, what are you now? An ostrich too?" A giggle from the sporty lady. "Come on, meet the consequences of your actions."

Firm hands grabbed the pillow and pulled. Miyami tried her best to resist, clinging to the last vestiges of her protection, but it was futile. Her grip was weak, and the fabric of the pillowcase was soft and slippery.

Curse her reduced strength stat! Curse it to the deepest depths of the ocean!

With a final tug, her shield was lost, and Miyami's burning face was exposed to the world once more. Hinoka loomed above, her amber eyes shining with desire. If she had a cat tail, it'd probably be flicking back and forth in delight.

"Gotcha," she grinned. "Now then, pay up for your crimes, thief!"

"…" Miyami looked to the side, hoping to avoid the legal proceedings that were about to ensue.

"You can't escape. Not when the judge, jury, and executioner are all me," Hinoka purred, descending closer until their breaths mixed. "Your fine is a sample of your body. How does that sound~?"

"…!" Delight traveled up Miyami's spine as she was pulled further into the moment, her girlfriend's hot breath on her lips. It hung in the air, suspended in time as they breathed in each other's scents.

Hinoka's eyes searched Miyami for confirmation before leaning in. "Is that okay?" she whispered.

"…" The dark-haired girl nodded, her heart pounding in her chest as she closed the gap, desperate to lose herself.

Their mouths met. Soft lips pressed against one another, and Miyami's world melted. Warmth radiated from their union, and Hinoka became all her senses: touch, smell, and taste.

She was sweet and tangy—citrus.

Then, just as soon as it had begun, it was over.

The two girls separated, panting and blushing. Miyami was reeling, her mind a haze, and Hinoka had a satisfied smirk on her face.

"Ah~" The ponytailed girl sighed contently, rolling over to lay next to Miyami. "That was nice."

"…"

She was right. It was nice.

They lost themselves to time as it slowly ticked away in the background.

Eventually, after several minutes had passed, Miyami turned to look at the ceiling, her thoughts drifting.

She still couldn't believe this was happening, that she had found someone willing to date her despite her… everything. Her voice, her anxieties, her past, and all the rest.

Miyami swallowed, brushing her fingers against her girlfriend's open palm.

Was it?

If she were honest, it still felt too good to be true. Like a dream that she'd wake up from any moment, where if she were to close her eyes too long, she'd be returned to her old home, cold, alone, and drowning in everyone's disgust for her. She'd be back to hating what she saw in the mirror: a soul draining tie, a suit that was too loose, and a name that made her skin crawl and insides wrench in revulsion.

"Miyami?" The suddenly serious tone snapped her attention. The ponytailed girl was looking at her now with many different emotions, worry being the most prominent of them.

"Are you okay?"

"…" Miyami blinked.

Of course she was. Right?

"That look…" Hinoka said, trailing off. "It's subtle, but ever since we've started living together, I've started to notice it more. Is something going on in that head of yours?"

She was about to smile and wave her off, but—

 ░░▒▓▒▒░▒▒░▒▓░▒▓▒░░

—Static flashed in her veins.

"…" Crud. That wasn't good.

"Miyami?" Hinoka cautiously brushed against her.

The girl just forced a smile and balled her other hand into a fist.

No. It was fine, she could handle it—hide it. There was nothing to talk about. Eventually, this feeling would go away again. Then she'd be happy and normal and—

"…Miyami," Hinoka repeated firmly. "You can tell me if you'd like."

"…" Her body trembled.

Her walls were crumbling at the sincerity, but her mental self rapidly reinforced them again from inside. Miyami bit her lip as she looked away, her hands gripping the bedsheets—

░░▓▒▒▒░▓▓▓░▓▒▓▓░░

—But it was too late. For just a moment, the facade slipped, and the static returned.

"…"

She'd gotten good at pretending things were okay, hadn't she?

Pretending that she'd been a guy, that her dad had still loved her, that the constant stream of insults and harassment at work hadn't affected her, and that the pain of being alone hadn't bothered her.

She was good at hiding it. At plastering a happy face on top of her anxiety so others wouldn't ask. And now that she was experiencing actual happiness, it'd gotten so much easier to do. All she needed to do was distract herself and let the flow of the moment wash her away. She'd be okay. It'd be better than burdening her girlfriend with something that wasn't that important, right?

She was happy.

She was.

She was…

"…"

Why did it suddenly get so hard to breathe?

░░▒▒▓▒░▒▓▒░▒░▒▓░▓▒▓░░

"Miyami?!" Hinoka sat upright, her tone sharp.

"…" Miyami's vision was beginning to blur, and the static had overtaken her arms, invading her fingers.

Crud. No. She didn't want her to see her like this.

The ponytailed woman asked something again, this time grabbing Miyami's hand in her own, warmth seeping in, but it was hard to hear. Static was everything now.

Her chest tightened. Her lungs burned. The world grew hazy.

Repressed memories and thoughts flooded back in, dragging her down by the neck.

'I-I can't…'

She tried to breathe, but she couldn't. She gasped for air, but none came. The edges of her vision were starting to darken.

Her voice reached out, crying for help, begging for someone to save her from the abyss, but no words came out as she choked.

'Someone… anyone…'

The static consumed her, gnawed at her. It was all she could feel, all she could think.

Pathetic. Faker. Unwanted.

'S-someone?'

Weak. Coward. Sissy.

'Please…'

Freak. Disgusting. Gross.

'No…'

Failure. Worthless. Disappointment.

'…'

Miyami faded despite the warmth of her tether.

She lost herself to the static.