[Volume 2] Gratitude can only get you so far

“You… what?”

I wasn’t sure what I expected her to say, but it certainly wasn’t that. Judging by the dumbfounded expression on Sai’s face, it seemed she was in the same boat.

“I love you. Both of you.” She turned on her heel and took a few steps away, before spinning back. “And before you start rationalising in your head like I know you’re both gonna do, I mean it romantically. I am in love with both of you at once.”

She said it so easily, so casually, with such a cheeky smile on her face you’d think she was just making a joke. But at the same time, it was clear she wasn’t. She meant it.

“I… can’t say I quite understand…” said Sai at my side, seemingly just as taken aback as myself.

“It’s just as simple as it sounds, Saichan. I’m confessing my feelings to both of you. I’ve fallen for both of you at the same time, and I don’t want to settle for only half of my desires. In other words, I want you both.”

To be frank, I was rendered completely and utterly speechless. Just how could one even respond to that? Her smile, which seemed warm and genuine, hadn’t faltered for even a second. She was completely, genuinely, unabashedly telling the whole truth.

I had briefly, ever so briefly, entertained the possibility that her confession would be to me and not Sai. But to both of us? A thousand years could have passed and I’d have never guessed as much.

I was caught so completely off my guard that I sort of just stood there, dumbstruck. Therefore, it was Sai that spoke again instead of me.

“Pepp-“

“Wait, Sai-chan.” She was cut off sharply by Pep. “I don’t want to hear an answer from either of you yet. Mainly because I think I already know what the answer will be. So before you give your answer, give me a little time to try and change it, k?” She kept up her cheery disposition, not faltering for so much as a second as she turned to me. “You too, Kabucchi. I don’t wanna hear an answer until I know for sure the answer is yes, okay? So just… keep it to yourself for a little while, yeah?”

That thousand watt smile. How does it not crack even in a place like that? Was it confidence? Relief? Faith? Whatever it was, it was real. I knew what Pep’s fake smiles looked like, and that wasn’t one of them.

“I-I see…” said Sai, breaking the awkward silence that had begun to descend.

“O-okay…” I followed.

I doubt either of us could have mustered anything more up if we tried. We were both still reeling from the shockwave of the confession, hardly able to get a word out.

“Great! I’m gonna run on ahead, see you both at club tomorrow!”

Before either of us could utter a response, she turned and began jogging away, waving us a hearty goodbye which we both sheepishly returned.

It must have been at least 20 seconds of silence before either of us could break the silence that fell.

“What… on Earth… was that?” Sai asked, sounding emotionally weary and completely confused.

“I uhh… I have no idea. She told me she was gonna confess to you today, but I didn’t expect…”

I trailed off as I thought back on that conversation. She never once mentioned Sai by name. And even if she implied it, she never stated outright that it was just a single person. I was just too blindsided by my own preconceptions to notice.

There might be a person or two I’m interested in…

Was I… really the second person? Me? Why?

“That… must have been an off-colour joke, yes? A bit that failed to land, something along those lines?” Sai asked, more so seeming to seek validation than actually asking a question.

“...no. No, I think she was serious. I just… I don’t know if I believe it…”

Pep and I, could our relationship ever truly be called love? Not debt, not gratitude, but real, genuine love? Honestly, I doubted it. I doubted it a lot. Our past was too messy, too full of wounds and scars to ever match something so pure. If that could be “love,” perhaps love isn’t what I thought it was in the first place.

“Her feelings for you are entirely expected, but never once had I considered that she may… have… feelings… for me as well…” said Sai, shifting nervously as she said it.

“Other way around for me. I knew she had been crushing on you right from the beginning, but I never expected her to say that to me. After all, she and I…”

I trailed off. I wasn’t even sure how I could finish that sentence.

“...is this with regards to your past? The event you both avoid speaking of?” She asked.

“...yeah…”

“...do you trust me enough to tell me?”

“...yeah. Yeah, I think I do. Walk with me?”

***

We walked in silence for a short while as I thought about how best to frame the story. It was hardly a fun one to tell.

“Pep has always been… popular with guys, let’s just say…” I began, thinking it best to broach the subject early. “She had a lot of admirers at our old school. Some she dated. Some she kept at arms distance. Some she wanted nothing to do with. It sounds cruel, but as a pretty girl yourself you probably know the types I’m talking about, right?”

“In my instance, that applied to all who attempted to ‘pursue’ me… but yes, I think I know the unsavoury types you’re referring to.”

“How’d you deal with them?”

“Cut them down where they stood. Verbally, of course. Though I cannot say the thought of doing so physically did not cross my mind. Why do you ask?”

“Well, Pep doesn’t exactly have your brutality, does she? She’s a people pleaser at heart, she wants what’s best for everyone, even if they don’t deserve it.”

“Ah… I believe I see where this is going…” the grim look on her face told all.

“...I don’t really remember the guy’s face. Hell, I don’t even remember what his name was. To me, he was just the fat lard that followed her around and didn’t know how to take ‘no’ for an answer. To her, though, he was an annoyance she just couldn’t shake. A dozen polite rejections didn’t get rid of him, but she couldn’t bring herself to put him down sharply. I offered to do it for her, but she said he wouldn’t hear it from me, and she was probably right. So he just kept pestering.” Just talking about it left a rotten taste in my mouth. “... at first it was just him following her around and constantly talking to her at school. Then he was following her on the walk to and from school. Before long, it was practically full-blown stalking.”

“Had the school nor the police nothing to say about it?” Sai asked.

“Ha! You think either of them gave a shit? The school said it was none of their business and the coppers brushed it off as a kid with a crush. No, just as they always did, the powers that be left the vulnerable out to dry.”

“I see… though, I fail to see how this correlates to your own expulsion.”

“That’s… the really uncomfortable part of the story to tell.” I swallowed. Recalling it was hardly a pleasant experience. “There was one time where it went beyond just stalking. He started to get… a little handsy. He wasn’t exactly strong, but he was heavy, so there was little Pep could do about it.” I could hear the disgust in my own voice “By a stroke of luck, I happened to be nearby. When I found them, he was holding both of her arms and trying to put her on the ground, while she was resisting and crying her eyes out. I snapped. Beat ten bowels of shit out of the cunt. I barely even remember doing it, just the image of him laid on the footpath covered in his own blood, and Pep sat off to the side, eyes wide open. It was a bloody mess. Probably scared the shit out of the poor old lady who called the coppers.”

“You were arrested?”

“Yep. Charged with grievous bodily harm, got it down to aggravated assault. Walked out with a slap on the wrist, basically. The school was having none of it, though. Expelled me on the spot. I guess Pep felt bad that I got expelled for defending her, so she followed me to that shithole we go to now. And… yeah… that’s sort of the foundation that our relationship has been built on ever since.”

“I-I see… that’s… a horrifying tale.” I was somewhat surprised to see the usually stoic Sai twitch slightly, though I imagined she as an attractive girl herself probably knew Pep’s pain. “I apologise for pushing you to talk about it when you and I first met.”

“Oh, that? Come on, we already talked about that, didn’t we? I shouldn’t have asked a question I didn’t want turned back on me, ain’t your fault. Besides, we’re long past that.” I hand waved her apology. Honestly, part of me was genuinely relieved that she now knew. It felt like a weight off of my chest.

“So… if I understand correctly… you believe your relationship with Peppi isn’t ‘real love’ because it’s built on some perceived mutual debt? That she feels gratitude to you for protecting her, and you to her for joining you at the academy, and as such your friendship doesn’t make a healthy basis for romance?”

“That’s about the long and short of it. What Pep thinks is love is just gratitude, and gratitude can only get you so far. Which is why I think you and Pep should be together instead. There’s nothing like that holding you back.”

The two of us fell into contemplative silence for a moment, Sai seemingly thinking over my words in her head.

“...do you remember our discussion on friendship a short while back?” She asked, cautiously breaking the silence.

“Yeah, I remember. We agreed that you and I aren’t friends, but that you and Pep were, right?”

“Indeed. And if you’ll recall, I also said that I had had no friends beforehand. In other words, Peppi was my first. And for that, I am deeply grateful to her. By your logic, that gratitude, that debt that I owe her, would imply that she I can never have an equal romantic relationship, would it not?”

“That’s… different…” I muttered. “Me and Pep’s situation… it’s more than just making a friend. It’s… debts that can’t ever really be repaid. A relationship like that… can you call it love?” I replied. I wasn’t sure if I was really seeking an answer or not.

“Different, perhaps, but the same in principle. Your idea that gratitude, or ‘debt,’ cannot precede romance is fundamentally at odds with your declaration that she and I belong together romantically. You can believe one or the other, but not both,” she said. “...Perhaps you love Peppi, perhaps you do not. That is for you to decide. What is not for you to decide is how she feels about you. Accept or deny her feelings as you please, but do not presume to understand them better than her. That’s a hubris you cannot afford yourself.”

I was a tad taken aback at her declaration. Her tone was scolding, derisive, but she wasn’t being cruel. Instead of taking personal jabs, she was actually picking me apart piece by piece.

And worse, she was starting to make sense.

“...you can be frustrating to talk to sometimes, you know that?” I said, though my tone was light.

“I’m aware. It’s the cost of being right so often.”

“Wow, now which of us is the narcissist?”

“You misjudge me. A narcissist has delusions of grandeur. My grandeur is very real.”

The both of us stopped in silence for a moment. Then, a second later, we both burst out laughing.

“Oh god… is that what I sound like?” I asked through snickers.

“So very often, yes,” Sai replied, regaining her composure though maintaining a smirk. I had rarely seen her display so much emotion.

“...thanks, Sai. For hearing me out. And being honest with me.”

“Thank me not. Just think of it as a favour. From a friend.”