A cunning verbal trap

  “I wanna start streaming chess!”

Sai and I were greeted with those words the second we stepped through the clubroom door, so quickly it almost felt like whiplash.

“Not even a ‘hey guys, how was class?’”

“If I said that you’d just go ‘durr, I hate everything and everyone and it sucked and everyone should just die,’ I figured it was quicker to just get straight to the point.”

“That’s… fair, I guess.” I momentarily wanted to snide her back, but honestly she was completely on the money. “So… chess streaming? What’s that all about?”

“Hmm hmm! I’m glad you asked!” She excitedly hopped up off the table she was sitting on (instead of the chair right bloody next to it) and pulled out her phone, before shoving it right in my face. “Lookie, lookie!”

“I can’t bloody see the screen if you have it pressed up to my nose, you thick cunt.”

“Could have just said it nicely,” she pouted, retracting her arm slightly so the screen wasn’t completely in my face. “Sai-chan, you come have a look too.”

Sai and I both looked closely at the phone screen, only to see a screenshot from the Twitch homepage, specifically the chess section.

“Other than blatant copyright infringement that will certainly be changed in the anime adaptation, I can’t say I’m exactly sure what I’m supposed to be looking at,” Said Sai, raising an eyebrow.

“The views, Saichan, look at the views!”

Sure enough, right there below the category was the number of active viewers it had, sitting at a respectable 3200-ish. Nothing incredible, but also nothing to handwave away. It hardly cleared anything up though.

“So… what? If you’re that desperate for viewers, there are way better options. Isn’t the go-to for a pretty girl the Just Chatting section these days?”

“Tut-tut, Kabucchi. You just don’t have a mind for business,” she replied, dramatically wagging a finger on her other hand. “You see, there’s already thousands of people trying to make it on the popular sections. But Chess? No one streams chess but boring old guys. It’s practically an open market!”

“Hey, that would sound like a great plan-”

“Thank you, I’m glad you finally appreciate my genius!”

“-if it wasn’t so completely stupid.”

“What?!”

She overreacted so hard I was worried she’d hit the roof for a second. Now the pout was back in full force. I sighed before I continued.

“Y’know why the people at the top of the chess category are normally a bunch of old dudes? It’s because people who watch chess streamers wanna see competence and skill. If they were in it to just see a flashy personality they’d probably pick… I dunno… literally any other category.”

“But that’s why it’s a great idea! We can carve out a niche! I mean, doesn’t a cute girl learning chess from the ground up sound like the sort of thing people would get invested in? Then newbies could learn alongside me too! It’s perfect!”

“Do you really think people who are completely new to chess are likely to be watching a bunch of teenagers stream it? That only works for people with established audiences.”

“We won’t know unless we try, right?”

I stopped short of arguing again, primarily because I had no further point to argue. Not because her point was strong, but because it invited no response. ‘We won’t know unless we try.’ One of the more cunning verbal traps that people lay, being all but impossible to disarm. Technically speaking, it held truth. No matter how poor the odds were, there was technically a possibility of success. Not only did that mean that there was no concrete counter argument, but it also meant that if you did try and argue you were now just an arsehole shooting down someone’s hopes and dreams. A clever ploy, one I had yet to learn how to talk around.

Still, that didn’t assuage all of my objections.

“All that aside, this really isn’t my thing. Not only engaging with strangers over the internet, but performing for them like some sort of dancing monkey for views and money? Putting up with the rotted brain of the average twitch user? Can’t exactly say that’s my cup of tea, to be frank,” I told her.

“I am repulsed to say this, but I believe Kaburi and I are on the same page,” piped up Sai, who had been quiet for quite the while. “I can hardly say I appreciate the idea of a group of faceless miscreants gawking at me with their degenerate gazes over the internet, and I certainly have no desire to hear what they have to say about me. I can hardly object if you wish to pursue this endeavour yourself, but I doubt I’ll be of much help.”

With Sai taking my side, it seemed pretty open and shut. Only one of the three members of the club wanted anything to do with this whole streaming thing, so it hardly made sense for it to go ahead. But, Pep being Pep, she couldn’t just leave it there.

“Hmph. Well, I’m gonna do it anyway, all on my own if I have to! And when you see how much fun I’m having with my viewers, I’m sure you’ll both come crawling back. Just you wait.”

“Oh, deary me. I feel the regret coming on already. Please, no. Is it too late to change my mind? I am so terrible sorry, lord Peppi.” I put every ounce of sarcasm I could feasibly muster into my voice, so much so that it was actually somewhat tiring.

“Yeah, yeah, laugh it up now. You’ll see. Hell, look at Sai-chan, she already looks like she’s regretting it,” Pep replied smugly. Much to my surprise, Sai did in fact have an expression that could be read as regret. Or perhaps worry.

“Uhhh, Sai? You good there?” I asked, as she stared off into space with that complicated expression. “You’re not… actually regretting saying no, right?”

“Hmm? Ah- no, it’s nothing so trivial-”

“My ideas are trivial now?!”

“-but I was a tad concerned about something,” Sai continued, completely disregarding Peppi’s interruption. “Does this not same like an odd jump? The confession was just a single chapter ago, and yet we’re simply moving on to the next arc without even acknowledging it? It hardly feels like a natural course of action.”

“Oh, that’s what you’re worried about? The pacing of this story has always been all over the place, why do you care now? Besides, I honestly think these meta jokes are a bigger problem anyway,” I replied.

“Huh?! You’re the source of, like, 90% of the meta-humour! How are you suddenly saying it’s a problem?!” Interjected Peppi.

“I must concur, I hardly see how this change in attitude makes sense. Why the sudden distaste for a style of humour you yourself have so often used?”

“Well the biggest problem is that it’s simply lazy. Meta ‘jokes’ are so effortless and vapid, so devoid of actual substance, that they’re just an obvious attempt to grab cheap laughs without actually having anything funny or interesting to say. And when meta humour does work it’s because it’s either set up well or contains an actual joke within it beyond ‘look at us, we’re fictional but self aware, ain’t that wacky?’ The self-referential ‘jokes’ in this story achieve nothing other than to deflect criticism and feedback about plot issues, stroke the author’s ego or cash in a cheap laugh so the reader doesn’t stop to think for long enough to realise this whole story has nothing profound or important to say and is just an excuse to whine about the nature of humanity while spouting off meaningless one liners and poorly written banter. Every ‘meta joke’ is either cheap, lazy or both at once. And what’s the point of these stupid running jokes like refusing to give the story a set location? How can anyone find that funny? Not to mention all the times this meta ‘humour’ is used as a way to just handwave away issues caused by the poorly thought out and amateurish story planning. These ‘jokes’ aren’t jokes at all. At best they’re an excuse to justify the ‘comedy’ tag and at worse they’re a reflection of the author’s complete inability to write meaningful, original and well thought out dialogue that doesn’t rely on cashing in on the lowest common denominator. It’s indicative of every problem this joke of a ‘novel’ has: trite, meaningless bullshit from a narcissistic writer with a god complex and a complete and utter lack of originality. The words written by a man who has to constantly remind himself that his characters are entirely under his thumb because he has no control over anything in the real world and is nothing more than a cowardly powerless arsewipe without an intelligent bone in his body. In other words, a massive fucking cunt.”

“I would rebut your points but I refuse to read a wall of text that long.”

“I said it out loud!”

“This is a written medium.”

“Oh for f- Sai, what did I just say about meta jokes?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t read it.”

“I fucking hate you so much.” I rubbed my forehead in frustration. “Pep, anything to add?”

“Fuckin’ nerd.”

“Yeah. Yeah, that’s about what I expected.”