Clinging like leeches (pt 1)

“Hi everyone! Welcome to my first ever stream! I’m Peppi, but you guys can call me Pep or Peps. We’re gonna be playing chess online, though I’m still kind of a beginner, so don’t be harsh on me! Anyway, I’ve rambled enough, let’s get to playing!”

Sai and I went dead silent, while Pep excitedly began talking to her stream. Despite my misgivings about this whole idea, I didn’t exactly wanna ruin it for Pep when she seemed so excited about it, so I figured I’d let her just get on with it and have her fun. She was always excitable, but it was rare to see her beam a smile so wide.

That’s also why I didn’t tell her that a new streamer who just hit live for the first time probably has zero viewers and she was likely talking to no one.

Silently, Sai and I continued playing moves, a game that continued to be frustratingly even as I failed to find a way to utilise the fianchettoed bishop. All the while, we were listening in on Pep streaming, likely both aware of the fact that her viewer count was more than likely 0.

“Hehe, look at this idiot, hanging his queen like that. Just as I thought this game was gonna be hard,” Pep said smugly. A few moments later, the checkmate sound effect rang out. “Gah- I can’t believe I fell for that. Kabucchi would be so disappointed in me if he was here.”

I noticed her glance in my direction, so I theatrically rolled my eyes at her obvious attempt to get me to join in. Though, I couldn’t stop myself from smiling a little. I still wasn’t interested in streaming with her, but it was nice to see her so excited about something.

Still, as she kept going the bad feeling I had before started to grow. Her attitude stayed positive, but every now and then I would see a momentary flash of disappointment on her face or waver in her voice. I found myself looking away from my game more and more often as I noticed her motivation seemingly flatten more and more.

At one point I noticed myself staring at her for a few seconds, and when I looked back, instead of playing a move, Sai was scribbling something down on a small slip of paper. A second later, she passed that paper to me.

“You’re distracted.”

Bloody hypocrite. You’ve been watching her just as much as I have. I pulled out my own pen (fountain, not ballpoint, because I’m not a bloody caveman) and quickly scribbled something back.

“So are you.”

Sai furrowed her brow at the message and then hastily scribbled something back.

“I’m just a tad concerned.”

“So am I”

“Don’t attempt to deceive me, I can see your lecherous gaze.”

“How do you always manage to take the least charitable interpretation of everything I do?”

“You’re not a man worthy of charity.”

“I won’t argue with that.”

Regardless of the familiarly vitriolic back and forth, it was obvious she and I were so distracted by Pep for the same reason: it wasn’t fun seeing her slowly losing steam by the lack of response.

Obviously it was to be expected. Some people stream for months without ever getting so much as a message in chat. And I think Pep likely knew that to a degree as well. But that doesn’t stop it being disheartening.

But the real reason it weighed on me, and likely on Sai, is because we both knew that her steadily worsening mood was partially our fault. She wanted to engage with us, and we turned her down. I can’t say I didn’t feel quite guilty over that fact, though I still hardly wanted to be a part of it. It was a culture that I was fundamentally opposed to.

Actors play a role, from whom they themselves are easily distinguishable. You would not walk up to Sir Ian Mckellen and expect him to act like a wisened old wizard. But ‘influencers’ blur that line, turning their real identities into personae and caricatures. They invent a fictionalised version of themselves, and sell that version to the unenlightened masses to consume. And yet, they’re missing that fine line, that obvious divider between person and character that any simpleton can use to differentiate. So the real person and the ‘influencer’ bleed into one another, until the line between them blurs completely. Fans cling to them like friends, and yet expect them to perform like clowns, all the while slowly eroding the barrier of privacy that should protect them. It’s a symbiotic relationship: the streamer needs viewers to survive, and so the viewers become more and more invasive, until streamer and fandom are too closely linked to be separated, clinging to each other like leeches.

Even if I had interest in being watched by strangers on the internet, I could never survive in such a culture. Unlike some, I understand the value of privacy. And judging by Sai’s reaction, it seemed she agreed.

“Hmm? I see the attack on my queen and rook, but why just give away the knight like that? That doesn’t make any sense.” I heard Pep say, her tone not nearly as hyper as it was twenty minutes prior, though still with a slight air of positivity. “Huh? That’s weird, now he’s just giving up his bishop t- my queen!”

Damn, guess we never taught her the ICBM trap. Though, I guess the tennison opening does suck, so that’s no surprise. I made a note to teach her some of the common opening traps we hadn’t gone over yet, or more specifically how to avoid them. Losing to a trap early feels bad at the best of times, let alone when you’re streaming. Not that anyone was watching.

“Oh, someone’s watching!” she called out excitedly. Y’know this whole ‘Kaburi says something and is then immediately contradicted by forces outside of his control’ bit gets really old after the 57th time using it. “Let’s see, CarlusMagsen2001 says ‘you don’t know the Tennison Gambit line?’ I’ll make a note to study it! I’m still new to chess so I’m always seeing openings and things that I’ve never played against before but I’m learning!”

I heard the sound of her resigning the game and cheerfully starting a new one, a slight hum escaping her mouth as she did so, seemingly pleased to have her first viewer.

“Oh, another message! Let’s see… ‘why stream chess if you’re no good at it? Who’s gonna… watch that…” she trailed off, the disappointment in her voice now not hidden at all, though she tried to sound chipper as she started again. “Well, since I’m learning chess anyway I thought it would be nice to have viewers along with… oh… the number went back down to zero…”

I involuntarily winced. That time she sounded outright dejected. And honestly, I couldn’t blame her. Coming into someone’s chat just to tell them there’s no point in streaming… even I could tell that was rude. That’d dampen anyone’s spirits.

“I… think I’ll call it there on streaming for the day,” she said, a sad smile on her face. “I’m gonna go get some water, I’ll be back soon.”

She stood up from the table and headed for the door, her movement more sluggish than usual. She was clearly more sad about it than she was letting on.

“...Pep, wait a sec,” I said as she reached for the door handle, causing her to stop and look my way. “Just… don’t let it get you down too much, okay? No one gets good luck on their first stream.”

“I agree,” added Sai, “these sorts of pursuits are a test of persistence. A single poorly performing attempt is nothing to kick yourself over.”

Pep looked at the both of us, and her expression softened into a wry smile.

“Thanks guys… I’ll give it another shot tomorrow.” And with that, she stepped out of the room, closing the door behind her.