Effortless betrayal of feelings

I took my seat in the classroom that morning dreading the conversation that was to come. Regardless of the decisions made, it was hardly likely to please everyone. I knew Pep wouldn’t be happy just letting a golden opportunity like this go, but at the same time I just didn’t know how comfortable I could be compromising my own principles to achieve that. And even setting aside my own feelings on the matter, there’s every chance that Sai is even more averse to the idea than I am. If she shuts down the idea right of the bat then there’s hardly a discussion to be had at all.

Setting aside my own feelings.

Since when is that even a phrase I’m willing to entertain? By all accounts I should be putting my foot down right from the get-go. I know I’m not comfortable with this whole streaming idea, that should be enough reason to reject any proposal outright. The fact that I’m even considering entertaining it is ludicrous and hypocritical, I stand to gain nothing and lose something very important to me: my privacy.

So why? Why was I even bothering to consider the idea? Or more worryingly, why I was hesitating to reject it? Frankly, it made no sense. Were it even just a month before I’d have shut the conversation down before it even began. Why had I begun to lose my edge? What was wrong with me?

Honestly, it was really starting to bother me.

Though, with the emergence of Pep through the classroom door, I realised that I had basically been having a three-person discussion with myself in my head this whole time and that it was practically pointless considering I had yet to hear a word from the person in question yet. Idiot.

As is usual for Pep, she wandered into the classroom with a spring in her step and a beaming smile. Though, I was almost certain I saw that smile falter for just a moment when she and I made eye contact.

Christ. I could already see where this was going.

“Morning Kabucchi!” She called out as she approached my desk. She was making an active effort to seem like her usual self, but I knew her well enough to see that she was acting more subdued and nervous than normal. I could pretty easily hazard a guess as to why.

“Pep. You’re loud and hyper early in the morning. Again.”

“Yep, ready for the day ahead!”

Even though the content of the greeting was the same as ever, I could feel in her voice and expressions that she was far more anxious than usual. And considering how perceptive I knew she was, she could probably tell straight away that she and I were thinking about the same thing.

Even so, neither of us wanted to be the first one to broach the subject.

I couldn’t say I wasn’t a tad upset that Sai’s and my private conversation was shared publicly without our knowledge and consent, and even though I knew I had decided not to blame her for it, it was hard to say so out loud. And I imagined the guilt of having done so was probably stopping her for the same reason. So for a moment, there we were. Two idiots painfully aware of the elephant stampeding around the room, just hoping the other will mention it first.

Eventually, Pep decided to try and take that burden herself.

“Did you- um- did you see the- uh- did you know about the whole… the… y’know… the thing where…” I could tell she was desperately trying to get the words out, but the more she struggled to find what to say, the more she frustrated herself, resulting in a final defeated “…fuck…”

I sighed to myself. I should have known it wouldn’t be that easy. As if the subject wasn’t hard enough to bring up as it was, Pep’s constant glancing around told me she was just as hyper aware as I was that we were having this conversation in public. It was hardly a subject I wanted the entire class eavesdropping on, so I couldn’t exactly be surprised Pep was struggling to get her words out.

Resigning myself to fate, I decided to take the initiative myself.

“You’re talking about the clip, right? The one that ended up on Twitter?” I signed, deciding it was best to drop the pretences and go straight to the heart of the matter. Pep momentarily twitched at the directness, but her subtle sigh of relief told me she was glad there was a way to keep the conversation private.

“Yes.” She signed back hesitantly, before stopping for a moment, hesitating on her next words. “Are you mad at me?”

“It was an accident, right?”

“Yes, I swear.” She nodded her head vigorously, a slightly guilty look on her face.

“Then I’m not mad at you. It did feel like an invasion of privacy for that conversation to be heard by other people, but you’re new to this, accidents happen. I won’t hold a grudge over a simple mistake.” I felt like I was downplaying my own negative feelings on the matter, but even I wasn’t so petty as to lash out at someone over a mistake I honestly could have made myself in their position. It seemed like it was the right call, too, since Pep’s expression softened a little after I said it.

“I’m glad to hear you say that. I was worried you’d be really upset with me. I didn’t wanna lose you.”

“Come on, considering some of the shit you and I have been through, you really thought one little blunder would be enough to get rid of me.”

“Hehe…” she chuckled aloud, “I guess you’re right.”

Though it seemed like a comfortable resolution for both of us, I could tell by the way she was signing that it was still weighing on her mind. Her sign language was usually the same as the rest of her body language: Expressive, bubbly, full of movement and excitement. This time, though, her movements were stilted and jittery, almost like a beginner. More like she was going through the motions of signing rather than ‘speaking’ it fluently.

Then again, I could hardly say much. I could tell my own signs were less sharp than usual. There was no reason for someone as practiced as me to be signing so timidly, unless it wasn’t the signing that was making me timid.

That was the double edged sword of sign language. It’s said that 55% of human communication is in body language, but with the spoken word that could be suppressed if you picked your words carefully enough. But sign? There was no longer a distinction between verbal and body language. Every sign told far more than just the meaning of the word.

It effortlessly betrayed how you really felt.

“So… what now?” I signed, more hesitantly than I’d have liked.

“About streaming?”

“Yeah.”

“I want to keep doing it but…” she paused momentarily, letting the sign hang in the air for a second. The hesitation said all it needed to. “...we should probably wait until club time so we can include Sai-chan too, right?”

“Yeah… that’s probably for the best.” Honestly, it felt a little scummy that we were having this conversation at all while the other involved party wasn’t even here for it, though I suppose we couldn’t have just left it all up in the air. Just another thing making this whole situation so bloody difficult to navigate.

Thinking about it further, there was every chance that Sai still had no idea that our conversation had even been leaked. So far as I knew she was just as averse to social networks as myself, and I only knew because of Yaki. Which meant it was more than likely that Pep and I would have to break that particular news to her directly. How fun.

“Using sign language to monopolise my Peps? You’re just as selfish as ever, ain’t you, Dead Eyes?”

Just as I was grumbling to myself about one annoyance, another paraded herself into the room and slung an arm around Pep. The one I had hoped to avoid for the foreseeable future.

“Bitchqueen…”